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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse family overnight stay

96 replies

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:26

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/01/2025 21:27

It's a long drive for a party so maybe they think that it makes up for them being there. It's rude for them to just expect it though.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/01/2025 21:29

I hate house guests so it’s a no from me. Plus the back story about their laziness and it being a Sunday night then double no

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:31

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie i know and I get it with a LO - their DS is 6 - it is a jaunt!

I might be talking myself around, as I can totally see why they’d want to stay, it is free after all, but I really am dreading it!

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 10/01/2025 21:32

Too far for them to travel and not stay.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/01/2025 21:33

Tink3rbell30 · 10/01/2025 21:32

Too far for them to travel and not stay.

That’s what hotels and airbnbs are for. They need to less obnoxious guests

SallyWD · 10/01/2025 21:33

I'd do it. It'll pass quickly.

Rachmorr57 · 10/01/2025 21:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ItsCalledAConversation · 10/01/2025 21:33

Surely not that much effort to host one family for one night? What do you expect them to offer help with?

Onlyvisiting · 10/01/2025 21:35

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:26

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

7-8 hours driving in one day with a child in the car? That is way too far imo to expect them to come for a 2 hour child's party, I think your invitation has created the expectation of an overnight stay, especially given they have stayed before. If they can't stay overnight I'd expect them to not come.

Beautifulweeds · 10/01/2025 21:35

They're making the effort to drive a long way so of course they stay over. How you manage it could be changed to telling them kettle there, food in cupboard for snacks so set the expectations. Just don't run round after them. Xx

Inflamed · 10/01/2025 21:36

Let them stay bit do not be their maid. Give them jobs to do. " Please can you clear the party plates while I hoover?
"Please can you make us all some teas now.'
It's really not that hard....it's your house so your rules.
Or when replying about weather they can come say " yes that's fine please can you bring and sort some breakfast (or dinner) for us all as I'll be tired after hosting the party"

Or

Oh yes that'll be nice for you to stay over, I could do with an extra pair of hands getting things ready and packed up, before and after the party. Please can you XYZ"

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:37

@WhatFreshHellisThese It’s the fact they’re such awful guests if I am
honest, I usually look forward to having people over. Nobody picks up after themselves at all, aunt and uncle sit on their phones all day, there’s no conversation, they don’t offer to bring anything, expect to be fed and catered to, including their LO so I end up being their go-to all weekend. It’s honestly exhausting.

OP posts:
Eldermillenialyogi · 10/01/2025 21:40

It's okay to say no. We travel a similar distance to see in laws and always stay in a hotel. They stay in a hotel when they visit us most of the time. It's okay to say no h it hard to. I wouldn't mind if we had a guest room and bathroom but my in laws staying means giving up our room or one of the DC giving up their rooms and also means we have to change bedding that day and the day they leave when we're already busy hosting. It's okay to say no but also okay to say "Yes you're welcome to stay for the night. It will be good to have some more adults to help with the prep and cleaning up!"

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:40

@Inflamed I definitely need to be clearer with expectations on meals, this might be the best solution. Although I think if I have to hand out tasks while they’re here I’ll lose it 🙈

OP posts:
lightsandtunnels · 10/01/2025 21:41

Seems like the invite is already out for this year. Could you not change arrangements for next year and just do a party for your DS instead of a big family do?

To get through this time just give them jobs to do. Oh Aunt, please could you set the table/peel these potatoes/Your DC is crying I think they want you. I think you could perhaps be a bit less accommodating and involve everyone in the weekend rather than you taking responsibility for everything.

Brombat · 10/01/2025 21:43

Pick the kid up, drop him in his parents' lap each and every time. Why wait on them?

I didn't let family stay and it did cause a rift but it's your choice really.

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:43

@Eldermillenialyogi you’re so right!! And whenever we go down to visit them they’ve made it clear we should stay in a hotel/air bnb nearby (which I’ve never been offended by, would never assume they’re going to put us up and we always make the call as to whether we can visit based on if we can afford it as we know we’ll be booking somewhere!)

I will say we are lucky enough to have a spare bedroom and second loo so definitely less inconvenience than in your case, there’s no way on earth I’d be hosting if I had to fart around and give up one of our bedrooms!

OP posts:
Ilovethatbear · 10/01/2025 21:43

Say you can’t have people staying overnight, so sorry. If they query it say it’s for personal reasons. There’s no challenging that.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 10/01/2025 21:44

Too far to drag a 6 year old on an 8 hour return journey.

It’s ONE night. And to attend your Ds’s party.

I would not do an 8 hour round trip drive, or pay £100 plus for a hotel / AirBnB on top of petrol costs to attend a 2 hour party.

If you would like them to attend be a bit hospitable!

FictionalCharacter · 10/01/2025 21:45

WhatFreshHellisThese · 10/01/2025 21:33

That’s what hotels and airbnbs are for. They need to less obnoxious guests

Show quote history

Yep. I’d never assume I can stay in someone’s home unless I was invited.
OP you don’t have to say yes this time just because you said no last time.

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:48

@lightsandtunnels I think this is me being somewhat unreasonable but I find it infuriating that I should need to hand out the jobs! But then I do end up doing it because if I don’t it just doesn’t get done, so I get it!

funnily enough re the invite I really didn’t think they’d come, as it’s just a bouncy castle in a sports hall for 3/4YO’s, all the nursery children are invited, so not really a family do as such just that we have always extended them an invitation as they have a LO.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 10/01/2025 21:48

Just say in advance that its fine for them to stay, but you'll be busy with the party and they'll need to help out a bit.
8 hours driving in one day is a lot - would be even without a 6 year old.

Inflamed · 10/01/2025 21:49

Although I think if I have to hand out tasks while they’re here I’ll lose it

Genuine question why?

Some people feel they are getting in the way if they start clearing up without being asked or instructed.

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2025 21:50

Send them a link for tavellodge

cansu · 10/01/2025 21:50

Why on earth did you invite them if you did not want them to stay over? They can't possibly come and not stay over somewhere. Do you expect them to pay for a hotel to attend a kid's birthday???