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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse family overnight stay

96 replies

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:26

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 10/01/2025 21:50

Think you've set an unrealistic expectation here with the party invite. I wouldn't expect family more than an hour away to come.

I know it'd be better to front up and say you don't want to, but my moral fibre is low right now so I would rather leave it two days and then say there's a burst pipe / broken radiator in the spare room and you're in a bit of a hole with that, so it's a pity but you won't be able to have them this time. You'll come down and see them when the weather improves.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/01/2025 21:52

Reply with “As I’ll be preparing the house for the party, unfortunately, this time it won’t be possible to have you stay over. There’s a lovely b&b down the road from us or the nearest hotel would be X. Please let us know if you still can attend”

Don’t apologise. Just let them know that staying with you isn’t an option.

BilboBlaggin · 10/01/2025 21:55

So they want to stay at yours, but whenever you go to them they don't put you up? Is that because they don't have a spare room? It's up to you whether you let them stay this time, but in future consider whether you really have to invite them to everything if you don't want them there.

Oh, and make sure to check with them they are referring to staying Saturday night. Can't imagine it'd be Sunday if they have a child at school, but you never know...

LookItsMeAgain · 10/01/2025 21:55

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:43

@Eldermillenialyogi you’re so right!! And whenever we go down to visit them they’ve made it clear we should stay in a hotel/air bnb nearby (which I’ve never been offended by, would never assume they’re going to put us up and we always make the call as to whether we can visit based on if we can afford it as we know we’ll be booking somewhere!)

I will say we are lucky enough to have a spare bedroom and second loo so definitely less inconvenience than in your case, there’s no way on earth I’d be hosting if I had to fart around and give up one of our bedrooms!

If they don’t host you, there’s ZERO onus on you to host them. Ever.

colinshmolin · 10/01/2025 21:56

Apologise and say the room is taken unfortunately but you could look for a nearby hotel?

rebus · 10/01/2025 21:57

What language do they use when they let you know you cannot stay at theirs? As the a PP noted--if they don't host you, you really don't need to host them! Why are you doing this to yourself?

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:58

@Tink3rbell30 @OnceMoreWithAttitude @Onlyvisiting @Rachmorr57 I totally agree with the fact that it’s too far for a round trip! For context when we extended the invite, they had asked if we were organising anything for our DS upcoming birthday, and I shared that we were planning a local bouncy castle party with his nursery class plus a couple of my friends with LOs the same age, and that they are always welcome if they can make it up to join, but no pressure.

Got a message a few days later that said we can make it, we’ll stay with you if that’s ok.

@rebus Whenever we’ve been invited to their DS birthdays (some years we’ve made it some years we haven’t) we’ve never asked to stay and they’ve always referenced local hotel / air bnb in the area.

My aunt lived in the town I live until her twenties and still visits regularly to see friends etc so it would be weird for me to have suggested the local premier inn as she knows the town very well…

OP posts:
Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:01

PullTheBricksDown · 10/01/2025 21:50

Think you've set an unrealistic expectation here with the party invite. I wouldn't expect family more than an hour away to come.

I know it'd be better to front up and say you don't want to, but my moral fibre is low right now so I would rather leave it two days and then say there's a burst pipe / broken radiator in the spare room and you're in a bit of a hole with that, so it's a pity but you won't be able to have them this time. You'll come down and see them when the weather improves.

@PullTheBricksDown I can’t say I hate your suggestion of a last minute excuse but I don’t think I could actually go through with it so then I’d end up with them staying over.

which I might well do as I’ve not had the guts to reply and say no as yet!!

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 10/01/2025 22:04

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:58

@Tink3rbell30 @OnceMoreWithAttitude @Onlyvisiting @Rachmorr57 I totally agree with the fact that it’s too far for a round trip! For context when we extended the invite, they had asked if we were organising anything for our DS upcoming birthday, and I shared that we were planning a local bouncy castle party with his nursery class plus a couple of my friends with LOs the same age, and that they are always welcome if they can make it up to join, but no pressure.

Got a message a few days later that said we can make it, we’ll stay with you if that’s ok.

@rebus Whenever we’ve been invited to their DS birthdays (some years we’ve made it some years we haven’t) we’ve never asked to stay and they’ve always referenced local hotel / air bnb in the area.

My aunt lived in the town I live until her twenties and still visits regularly to see friends etc so it would be weird for me to have suggested the local premier inn as she knows the town very well…

Edited

Can you ask them if they mean Saturday or Sunday night so you can 'check your diary' and then tell them yes of course, I have xyz on until 6pm Saturday, so come up for dinner time. Have a pressing engagement at their leaving time so they won't be inclined to stay later. Manage it by limiting the available time, and be better prepared for next time.
Or- aren't you redecorating your spare room? It's full of stuff?
Or just be so sorry, you actually have plans that night so they can't stay over.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/01/2025 22:04

Just message back - it'll be lovely to see you for the party. Can't put you up I'm afraid but as you know there's plenty of B&Bs nearby.
See you soon!

mitogoshigg · 10/01/2025 22:04

I thinks it's not reasonable of you to think even close family will drive 3-4 hours each way for a 2 hour kids party without staying overnight. They are thinking you are inviting them to see you more generally. Be prepared for them to not come

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:05

BilboBlaggin · 10/01/2025 21:55

So they want to stay at yours, but whenever you go to them they don't put you up? Is that because they don't have a spare room? It's up to you whether you let them stay this time, but in future consider whether you really have to invite them to everything if you don't want them there.

Oh, and make sure to check with them they are referring to staying Saturday night. Can't imagine it'd be Sunday if they have a child at school, but you never know...

They have 2 spare rooms, one with ensuite, so definitely not a space issue - although that makes it sound like I was in any way put out by them not offering to put us up, which I totally was not, I genuinely love them as family members but would never expect them to have us overnight if they didn’t want to, and prefer my own privacy so happy to stay somewhere else!

and you’re right re assuming which day they’re staying, hasn’t crossed my mind they could mean Sunday night, eek!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:15

@Onlyvisiting I could definitely push back a bit on how long they are here for to try and keep my sanity, and as you say prepare for the next time and reconsider how any invite I do extend might be received! @CoffeeBeansGalore when you put it like that it sounds so simple, and I have to question why am I making a big deal of it haha! I definitely worry they’ll be upset but actually there need not be any bad feeling, if I was just to reply to say I can’t!

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 10/01/2025 22:17

Why did you invite them? No need to invite aunt/uncle and cousins from that distance for a kids birthday, surely? By asking you may have implied you would put them up as it’s unreasonable to expect them to travel that far.

Your only recourse is to write back and state, ‘no, I’m afraid we can’t put you up this time. Totally understand if this means you can’t make it.’

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 10/01/2025 22:18

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/01/2025 22:04

Just message back - it'll be lovely to see you for the party. Can't put you up I'm afraid but as you know there's plenty of B&Bs nearby.
See you soon!

I would definitely go with this OP, especially as they never ask you to stay at their place when you go there. If you haven't already, get on and do it, send them a text NOW!!

GivingitToGod · 10/01/2025 22:21

Tink3rbell30 · 10/01/2025 21:32

Too far for them to travel and not stay.

THIS
You are expecting them to come to the party

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:23

@CautiousLurker01 @GivingitToGod not that I don’t want them to come to the party but it wasn’t exactly a direct invite, they were up for Christmas, asked if we were planning anything, I explained we’d booked a leisure centre for a bouncy castle party with nursery friends, and that they were of course welcome to attend if they’d like. They messaged a few days later to say they’d come and would stay at ours ‘if that’s ok’. They often visit the area and will stay with my parents or sometimes with friends as my aunt grew up here and has other reasons to visit, so I don’t think it would be fair for them to assume by me extending the invite to the party meant they’d stay here.. but I don’t know now haha maybe it did!

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 10/01/2025 22:23

No need to ask them again ! Just say class party, no one else being asked.

Original poster
Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:24

Noshowlomo · 10/01/2025 22:23

No need to ask them again ! Just say class party, no one else being asked.

I definitely know for next time!!

OP posts:
Greenfingers37 · 10/01/2025 22:24

We have family travelling quite a distance for a special birthday party in a few weeks and it's just been taken for granted that we'll put them up. I'm
not looking forward to it but it's 48 hours and I'm hoping that the feeling of relief when they go will make it all worth it!

CautiousLurker01 · 10/01/2025 22:33

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:23

@CautiousLurker01 @GivingitToGod not that I don’t want them to come to the party but it wasn’t exactly a direct invite, they were up for Christmas, asked if we were planning anything, I explained we’d booked a leisure centre for a bouncy castle party with nursery friends, and that they were of course welcome to attend if they’d like. They messaged a few days later to say they’d come and would stay at ours ‘if that’s ok’. They often visit the area and will stay with my parents or sometimes with friends as my aunt grew up here and has other reasons to visit, so I don’t think it would be fair for them to assume by me extending the invite to the party meant they’d stay here.. but I don’t know now haha maybe it did!

Edited

Very sweet that they want to come, but you should reply with a ‘so sorry, but we can’t put you up this time - perhaps see if the parents have room?’.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/01/2025 22:36

@Coleman93 I think you need to reconsider your guest list for future years! tell them you have other people staying this time!

dcsp · 10/01/2025 22:37

They are presumably spending £50+ on fuel and buying a present for your son. If they were to additionally pay for a hotel or airbnb for 3 people will probably mean they're out £200+ in total to attend your child's birthday party, as well as wiping out their entire weekend.

Based on that I think I would have them stay. Then next time I'd think before inviting them whether I was happy to have them.

FallenRaingel · 10/01/2025 23:01

Make plans for the Saturday night. If they stay with your parents at other times why can't they stay there this time? Are your parents sick of playing maid to them too?

Just tell them you can't host them. If they take the huff let them.

Our family regularly travel 3 hours each way to visit each other and book accommodation, often for 2 or 3 nights. No need for such drama.

crockofshite · 10/01/2025 23:08

Send them links for a local Travelodge and Airbnb options with the excuse you're not up to hosting overnight guests at the moment as you have too much on and a children's party to organise.