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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse family overnight stay

96 replies

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:26

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

OP posts:
Lampzade · 11/01/2025 05:53

cansu · 10/01/2025 21:50

Why on earth did you invite them if you did not want them to stay over? They can't possibly come and not stay over somewhere. Do you expect them to pay for a hotel to attend a kid's birthday???

This

battairzeedurgzome · 11/01/2025 05:54

Who on earth travels two hundred miles to attend a kid's party? Either you must throw very exceptional parties or their children don't get any invitations closer to home.

Supperlite · 11/01/2025 06:37

Your house, your rules.

say no if you want to, with it being a kids party
it is a lot of stress and exhausting so if you can’t accommodate them that is that.

if you feel that you can’t say no then tell them, “that’s fine, but we will be so busy we won’t be able to host you. Please be prepared to sort yourselves out for food/drinks and clear the kitchen etc after you have used it. Thanks so much. You know what these kids parties are like, so exhausting on top of an already busy period! laughing face emoji”

SeanMean · 11/01/2025 07:50

It’s one night! Just be hospitable.

Eenameenadeeka · 11/01/2025 07:56

It's way too much driving for one day with a young child. So I don't think they're unreasonable to ask to stay. Youd have been better to not invite them.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 11/01/2025 08:31

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:31

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie i know and I get it with a LO - their DS is 6 - it is a jaunt!

I might be talking myself around, as I can totally see why they’d want to stay, it is free after all, but I really am dreading it!

Can you ask them to arrive late on tbe Saturday to ease the pain?

converseandjeans · 11/01/2025 08:43

In future keep the party for local friends & when they start school likely just class mates.

Arrange to see them another time & find a place half way to meet up.

I think it's too late to cancel this now.

OneOfTheTwo · 11/01/2025 08:54

I would just say sorry we can’t accommodate that, lots of plans with it being the birthday! Won’t be offended if you can’t make it though as understand it’s a long drive so wouldn’t expect that from you.

I often invite people who live ages away from things to events. They don’t come and I don’t expect them to but it’s just nice to be invited imo.

Huskytrot · 11/01/2025 09:00

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:37

@WhatFreshHellisThese It’s the fact they’re such awful guests if I am
honest, I usually look forward to having people over. Nobody picks up after themselves at all, aunt and uncle sit on their phones all day, there’s no conversation, they don’t offer to bring anything, expect to be fed and catered to, including their LO so I end up being their go-to all weekend. It’s honestly exhausting.

Why are you inviting these people to your child's birthday? How old is he/she? Don't they have their own friends fo invite?

Noshowlomo · 11/01/2025 09:02

Supperlite · 11/01/2025 06:37

Your house, your rules.

say no if you want to, with it being a kids party
it is a lot of stress and exhausting so if you can’t accommodate them that is that.

if you feel that you can’t say no then tell them, “that’s fine, but we will be so busy we won’t be able to host you. Please be prepared to sort yourselves out for food/drinks and clear the kitchen etc after you have used it. Thanks so much. You know what these kids parties are like, so exhausting on top of an already busy period! laughing face emoji”

If you do end up having them, this is a good response. It says yes, you’ll be sleeping here but we won’t be entertaining you in any way

midgetastic · 11/01/2025 09:07

It seems odd inviting them to a birthday party at that distance without the invite / assumption to stay
How about " yes that would be great although note that we are out until late Saturday - perhaps you could grab a takeaway on your way here ? I do really need someone toLook after ds Sunday morning while I prep the party so you could take the kids swimming. It will be great to catch up "

IKnowThis · 11/01/2025 09:12

Onlyvisiting · 10/01/2025 21:35

7-8 hours driving in one day with a child in the car? That is way too far imo to expect them to come for a 2 hour child's party, I think your invitation has created the expectation of an overnight stay, especially given they have stayed before. If they can't stay overnight I'd expect them to not come.

Show quote history

This.

LookItsMeAgain · 11/01/2025 10:06

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 22:23

@CautiousLurker01 @GivingitToGod not that I don’t want them to come to the party but it wasn’t exactly a direct invite, they were up for Christmas, asked if we were planning anything, I explained we’d booked a leisure centre for a bouncy castle party with nursery friends, and that they were of course welcome to attend if they’d like. They messaged a few days later to say they’d come and would stay at ours ‘if that’s ok’. They often visit the area and will stay with my parents or sometimes with friends as my aunt grew up here and has other reasons to visit, so I don’t think it would be fair for them to assume by me extending the invite to the party meant they’d stay here.. but I don’t know now haha maybe it did!

Edited

You don't need to host them.

You will have enough to be doing with the party to be worrying or fussing over relatives that have options - B&B, Hotel, your parents (even them, yeah!!) or they could drive home again.

Did you get a tattoo as a Christmas present that says "Doormat" and is it all over your face??

Even if you have 20 spare rooms, you are still not under any onus to host them. You have your own plans and they do not include having them to stay with you.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2025 19:13

we’ll stay with you if that’s ok

Why are you torn? You invited then only to discover they are not good house guests.

Reply 'that would have been lovely but I'm afraid it won't be possible. Continue to tell them only this.

Google will be their friend to find some lower cost hotels. Simples.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2025 19:14

And whenever we go down to visit them they’ve made it clear we should stay in a hotel/air bnb nearby (which I’ve never been offended by

Well, there is your answer.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 11/01/2025 19:18

Even before you said they always suggest hotels/Airbnbs when you go to stay, I would have said tell them they can't stay at yours!

If you don't feel confident saying it's too much when you'll be focussed on the party, definitely make some kind of excuse.

ClemmyTine · 11/01/2025 19:44

So, Op, have you told them?

Original poster
Coleman93 · 17/01/2025 18:16

Thank you for all the opinions and suggestions! I have responded to say that unfortunately we can’t put them up this time, and that we’d of course love to see them if they can still make it but there’s totally no pressure if they can’t! So yet to hear if they’ll make it but that’s okay!

OP posts:
GrandmotherStillLearning · 17/01/2025 18:18

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:26

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

Simply say no but nearest travel lodge is ...

It's your home !!!

florizel13 · 17/01/2025 18:22

Coleman93 · 10/01/2025 21:48

@lightsandtunnels I think this is me being somewhat unreasonable but I find it infuriating that I should need to hand out the jobs! But then I do end up doing it because if I don’t it just doesn’t get done, so I get it!

funnily enough re the invite I really didn’t think they’d come, as it’s just a bouncy castle in a sports hall for 3/4YO’s, all the nursery children are invited, so not really a family do as such just that we have always extended them an invitation as they have a LO.

If they live three or four hours away, I'd just stop inviting them to DS's parties. Once he starts school he'll probably want just friends anyway!

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/01/2025 00:46

8hrs driving for a 2/3hr party is madness

so yes I would invite them to Stay the sat night before and to leave after the party Sunday

I know you have said no to staying

have they replied yet ?

why do they say no to you staying at theirs but expect to stay at yours - if they have the space which they do

or say that abc /a friend is staying so you would love to see them but would need to stay in a local prem inn etx

tho that does add up to be costly esp with 8hrs of driving

and then find out the friends can’t come due to a sickness bug

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