To refuse family overnight stay

[Coleman93]

It’s my DS’s birthday in a few months, and we always invite family. My aunt, uncle and their DS live down south 3-4 hour drive and have stayed overnight before. On receipt of DSs party invite my aunt RSVP’d to accept, and said ‘we’ll stay with you if that’s ok’. Party is Sunday afternoon 1pm-3pm, but they are apparently planning to stop overnight, I assume on the Saturday, to avoid driving here and back in a day.

They are not good house guests and I am already dreading it. While they stay I am a glorified maid and primary childcare as they basically ignore their LO the whole time, they never lift a finger.

AIBU, as they are family after all, if I decline them staying overnight? I am torn, I desperately don’t want them to stay but I’m worried about hurting their feelings if I say no.

Edit: they asked to stay with us over Christmas for 4 days and I said it would t work as we had lots of plans, they didn’t seem offended at that time but given it was only a few weeks back I feel like I can’t say no again so soon!

The fact that they don’t put you up, when they have the space means that it’s an easy NO to staying with you.

Unbelievable that people expect hospitality when they don’t extend it to others. Fuck that.

Why did you invite them if you didn't want them
To come? Surely you knew they couldn't do an 8 hour round trip for a party??

I'd rephrase the invite.
Tell them it's turned out to be more or less just the children from the nursery coming and that you're going to be busy running about sorting the party that if they come up another time it would be better, so you can have a more relaxed time with them, instead of the party weekend when you'll be having to host a class of kids.

I'm sure they'd be glad of a reason not to do 2 x 4hr drives. It's nice of them to offer to make the effort to come up tbf.

I do think you sound a bit precious. It's kne night, not a fortnight. Surely acting the host isn't that difficult? If you didn't want them to come you shouldn't have extended a disingenuous invitation. By all means disinvite them but ywbu to expect them not to be offended. That said they sound pretty thick skinned wrt not inviting you so if you don't care that much how they react then yanbu to disinvite them.

You could say you're in two minds about having any guests overnight at the moment, you’re particularly tired and find even daytime guests exhausting but maybe the men could go out and get fish and chips to eat out of the paper wrapping for supper, maybe she might be able to coordinate the kids. You could always try to do minimal hosting, encourage them to help themselves.

So they don't put you up when you visit them? How could they possibly be offended by you saying 'No, we're not having overnight guests this time' or similar?

Don't do it to yourself OP, you'll have enough on without running about after their lazy arses.

O would be saying no OP. You'll have enough to do for your LO party
To don't need to give a reason just say you can't have them stay over sorry
We often stay in a premier inn visiting family as wouldn't want to put on them
It's different if they offer

This has been so useful to get opinions from all angles genuinely and I totally realise that I could just get over it and host them for one night. I’ve also really considered the different ways I could say no without directly saying no, but I suspect if I take that approach the next time they’re around for something I’ll get the same request and have to find another awkward way of pushing back. If they were ever in a real pickle and needed somewhere to stay I’d obviously have to get over myself, they’re family, but this just feels like an imposition. It’s kind of the principle now, I think because I feel like they take advantage when they’re here and have effectively invited themselves despite never extending the same when we visit them, I’ve felt I need to push back this time. Each time they’ve stayed with us before I’ve regretted it as they’re such awful guests… the more someone take the p* the less inclined I am to be the gracious host!

You guys are right @Boltonb @HadEnoughOfThisPish @mumzof4x I doubt they’ll be anymore than slightly miffed if I say no and I don’t need a reason!

I think I best be off to let them know sooner rather than later so they can at least make some plans and decide if they want to make other arrangements or skip the party this time!

Yanbu, don’t be pressured into it. “I’m really sorry but we won’t be able to have you stay over, I understand if that means you won’t be able to come up for the party”.
Tbh it’s not common to have the parents’ extended family for a child’s party anyway.

I wouldn't let them stay! I would tell them someone else was staying with you and there was no room for them. If they do turn up you'll have to get one of your friends to pretend to be staying there. They sound awful actually, I wouldn't care if they didn't turn up!

Say thry can stay but make yourself scarce or too busy at the times that is not the party. Say yes you can stay but Im not doing dinner as we have too much to do for the party but you arw welcome to get takeaway or cook yourselves. Just make it blatently obvious that you wont be around to do anything for them or even say, you can stay but i am going to need some help with the set up for the party and would you mind watching the kids while we get things ready etc

They do sound like they’ve taken advantage and given all the background I don’t think your invite opens you up to any obligation to host them. I can see why, given you’ve been a bit of a pushover in the past, they might have felt it opened the door for them to ask, though I suspect they’d feel happy asking whatever the circumstances.

Perhaps you could try something along the lines of:
Sorry to have taken so long to respond. DH and I have been considering and now the kids are older, we don’t think it’s going to work so well to have you stay anymore. The house gets too crowded and it’s too much work. Perhaps you could try an airBnB like we do when we visit you? Having somewhere private to head back to might be great for you too.

(The “airbnb like we do” bit is somewhat pointed and could easily be left off, depending on whether you’re trying to communicate that you’re a bit upset at them or not.)

You haven’t really answered why you think you need to let them stay with you when they point you to hotels when you visit?

Glad you saying no! Let us know their response.

I think that you've set a precedent by previously hosting them when they've come for your son's party so you have to honour it this year.

As others have said, give them jobs to do. Also, ask them to bring their own bedding with them. We've started doing this with close friends whom come for one night and it's a game changer. All you have to do is change the sheer rather than the whole bedding set.

And don't invite them next year.

I'm utterly baffled by the idea you invite people who will have to make such a significant round trip for a child's party? And that they would even say yes. But I know families work differently everywhere. It just seems so odd to me. (Granted I live a 24 hour flight from family). Children's parties are just another form of hell.

You have already invited tham so this time you need to be hospitable.
The changed circumstances means that you are hosting a party so you need to DO more in preparation.

Tell guests it's fine to stay but they will need to arrive after lunch and be prepared to help out doing Party jobs.
Make a list of jobs like ..
wrapping pass the parcel
packing boxes with things ready for the car trip
making up little lolly bags,
looking after your child at the playground while you do important prep
making a children's music tape

Enjoy the time; your child will have fun.

They sound pushy - asking you about the party, then when told about it and offered a token invite saying yes they'll come but they'll stay with you, when you never stay get an invite to stay with them, and when they do stay they expect you to provide a full hotel service with meals.

I mean I get that it's great for them, why wouldn't they come if it's a weekend of free childcare/food and no housework, but you do need to say no as you don't enjoy it and find them hard work. People pleasing and resentment are terrible for your health, believe me. Whereas setting boundaries and saying no are great.

there may be some pushback (and there's no reason that saying no at christmas means you have to say yes now) because you are changing the rules and withdrawing your hosting/childcare/cooking services, but that's OK, they will cope.

I would just say, we have someone in the spare room that weekend already (even if that's you, getting a good night's sleep!) let me know if you are coming, see you then!

Don't apologise, don't offer another date. They will get the message eventually. And if they do ask directly, just say tbh we're cutting back on guests staying so busy at work trying to keep things simple! Nothing personal, just a boundary.

People like this are used to playing dumb which is why you can be just as dumb back to them.

And no you don't have to honour it this year! End it now.

Just send a reply saying 'Sorry too late, the spare room has been nabbed already but let me know if you still want to come and I can send some local BNB's'. If they press for details, you have told a friend she could stay with her little one etc.

It's seems as if they view you as a bit of a cheap mini break. They have two spare rooms and don't host you. And I would lay money down that you are a dream guest. Chocolates, wine or flowers on arrival. Fighting to pay for a take away, offering to make the teas and do the washing up.

I think you should toughen up. Saying 'No' is fine, it's not as if the invitation to stay with them will dry up. See them at family events and it will be still be fun, don't let the resentment build up that is the thing ruins all relationships. And If they ask for next Christmas say 'No - just us, not having any guests it's too much work, I need a rest'.

Am horrified that they expect you to put them up at your house while they make you pay for accomodation when visiting them.
Just tell them you’re sorry but it’s not convenient for them to stay with you now but the invitation to the party is still open if they still want to come and stay in a hotel nearby. Don’t make up any excuses.

You say they’re lovely but if they sit around on their phones ignoring their child and never reciprocate the staying over I’d say they are a pita and should be avoided.

Invite someone else to stay over in the room, then you can go back with a clear conscience to point them in the way of hotels.

You don’t need to do this, but I suspect if they put you on the spot and ask why they can’t stay, you may crumble. So this is safer 😁

If you say you’re out til 5 on the Saturday so they’ll have to arrive after that and can they look after the kids Sunday morning while you prepare for the party then they don’t have too much chance to be lazy except a few hours Saturday evening

Absolutely this! Jeez OP, they don't let you stay at their house why are you overthinking this???

Sound like a right pair of CFs.

Send the text now! ;)

OP don't be silly, of course you don't have to have family stay with you just because it's your child's birthday party. They are not even grandparents, this is an uncle and aunt.

Just say unfortunately you will be busy over the weekend with the birthday/ party prep and can't accommodate guests. Say that you'd love them to come but they will need to make accommodation arrangements if they want to stay over, and you of course won't be offended if they don't want to pay for this, you will catch up another time etc etc.

You just need to do it and be firm or this will be an ongoing thing.