One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

I would just like to share my story on this matter.

My brother has a 10 year old SD, which he has been actively helping to raise in every way since she was 1 year old. However, the biological father is not in the picture or the country, even. My brother went on to have his own child, who is now 5 years old. He treats the 2 of them exactly the same, and as far as I am aware, he has left equal amounts for them in his will.

Now, I commend him and support him with how he chooses to raise his children. That is how he sees them both, as his, and that is how we see them too. However, he does not expect his SD to inherit from our parents. His belief is that it was his decision and responsibility to take on another man's child.

I do believe my mum is leaving a financial gift for his SD, who calls my mum granny and the rest of us, Aunty and Uncle, but she is leaving more to her natural grandchildren. I do not think our dad has any plans of leaving anything to her, and I personally am fine and happy with everyone's choices and decisions.

Now, on the other hand, my niece, my sisters 1st child, was in a blended family for years and understood that perfectly. She is now an adult with her own house, but she never expected anything from her mother's boyfriend. She understood that her 2 sisters would inherit from both him (their biological dad) and her mum (their mother also), and she would inherit from her mother and her own biological father, although she never has relied on any inheritance, or even expected it. She has a good relationship with her biological father and has never entertained the possibility of receiving from outside of her own biological family. She was and is very content with that, too. It was never an issue for her.

We both feel like if you receive anything from whether biological family, or not, it is just a bonus. An inheritance is not even expected, but we would be very grateful.

Money doesn’t equal happiness. There’s nothing to say the richer sibling will be any happier. What can you do? I wouldn’t treat either differently and I don’t think I’d mention anything to either of them until the inheriting one turns 18.

@TheOnionEyes As can be seen in your family, I think whether the other parent is involved makes a big difference in how these things play out. When there is only one parent present, it's much easier for a stepfather/mother to become a parent to the child and for the extended family to step into the role of grandparents, aunts, uncles if they wish etc. But when the child has both parents in their life, there isn't a need for the stepfather/mother to take over as a parent, which also means the extended family is unlikely to take the child on as one of their own. When there isn't someone absent, people generally stay in their lanes.

I agree with you 💯

He's already 18

I’m not so sure she hasn’t. Or that she hasn’t fucked up her own relationships with them. She got ‘very upset’ when finding out that her youngest wasn’t going to split his earlier inheritance, so I do wonder to what degree she’s expected him to compensate his brother, not just monetarily but emotionally.

the stay in their comment referred to the anger often expressed here is step mothers take on the role of the mother - when there is an active and involved mother already in the child life.

like it or not - step grandparents and grandparents aren’t the same. No matter how much you pretend otherwise. In the same way a step- parent is not the same as a parent (legally or emotionally).

For sure she has damaged her relationship with them both. There was one of her threads I read that really bothered me. At the wedding of one of her partner's relatives, the photographer wanted to take a father and son photo ie. her partner and the youngest child. The OP flipped out and dragged the child away. The poor kid can't even have a photo taken with his own father because the OP thinks it's unfair to her oldest. I can't really blame him for not wanting to share his inheritance tbh. He's been compensating all his life for his brother having a different father. And now the OP wants to cut him out of her will. It's crazy.

Indeed. This is all about OP, despite her telling herself and mumsnet it’s about her son. He’s even told her to that he wishes she hadn’t behaved as she did, and that he’s been harmed by it, but she’s still persisting. For what? Because she thinks if she keeps going she’ll eventually be proved right and she can say it was all worth it? It’s been two decades of drama and they haven’t and won’t bend to her will. Instead, she’s pushed them completely away and they’ve ended up putting (clearly necessary) protections in place so she won’t be able to get her hands on their assets or influence her youngest son to cough up what she thinks should be his brother’s.

I don’t think she has any intention of changing her mindset and accepting the reality of the situation for what it is.

This is what can happen in blended families. Think of it this way - you manipulate/ persuade/ suggest that DD with the inheritance shares with his brother as you deem this fair.... you damage your and their relationship by doing this as the DS seen it as his money (which it is).

Then years down the line DS who did not not inherited ends up with a large bonus/better job/ lottery win etc this could end up with the DS who inherited feeling that that new fortune should be shared or even the original amount refunded.

Leave it alone. Do not lie but it's also NOT your place to share other people's financial situation

Sorry there is a typo I meant DS not DD

Did you both live with your step
sibling/s and mother growing up?

I think it would be pretty awful for the new step parent to keep their families separate, engaged and loving to only their by biological child/ren.

It seems by these comments, that she is punishing everyone else for her lack of long term consideration and understanding of how complex the whole blended family thing could become.

If these comments are true, I can only assume she got together with her partner for very selfish reasons, with little, or no regard for him, her DS1 and her DS2. I say that because of the comment about dragging her son away from his biological father.

There seems to be a control issue here, along with selfishness, a lack of responsibility, and quite bullish tactics that her sons will be picking up on too.

Would she appreciate her partner or anyone dragging her child away from her?

I just think she should understand the biological relationship between her partner and his biological son and not dismiss it. After all, her biological children are exactly what is driving and motivating her in her thoughts and actions. So, why shouldn't her partner be moved to take a simple picture with his DS without any hesitance or guilt?

It’s very normal for the family of a stepparent to have a completely different relationship with their actual grandchildren/nieces/nephews. That isn’t the same thing as being unkind to the stepchild.

It’s also standard for inheritance to pass according to bloodline.

I’m aware it’s normal. It’s also incredibly detrimental to the children involved. Normal doesn’t mean optimal

This!

My youngest kid gets 1 holiday a year, my eldest has 5 or 6 holidays year with his dad/dad's family. They give him money etc, he gets double the amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas. And my youngest son doesn't really give a shit, because he's not materialistic and weird. When his brother inherits his own dad's house and no doubt gets left a wedge of money from his own grandmother and uncle, my youngest won't be crying about it. Same as if my youngest gets left anything from my in laws, my eldest can't cry about it. It's only materialistic parents getting mad vexed about this stupid shit. Life's full of ups and down when it comes to what's fair.

Did your husband legally adopt your son? If so, this might make a difference to the inheritance

No.

And he's not even her husband.

And no...legally, even if both were true...no one is entitled to an inheritance from a grandparent or great uncle.
Or parent for that matter, unless Scottish.

Your children are descendents from two different family trees on their fathers' sides. This is obvious.

Some families are richer than others. This is obvious.

People are rich or poor from a combination of many factors - inheritance is just one, and inheritance can come down from both maternal and paternal sides. There is also talents, nurture, ambition and determination. Just one of these is handing a disadvantage to your elder child - the paternal inheritance. Presumably maternal inheritances will treat them equally and all the others are down to the individual.

The only consternation in this scenario comes from some kind of expectation of equality that has no basis in reality. Every individual on the planet has their own unique circumstances. That your elder child and younger child have different circumstances is entirely to be expected. The differences between the two of them are relatively minor on the scale of the most advantaged and most disadvantaged in the world.

I disagree. IMO it’s absolutely preferable to expecting stepfamily to adopt those roles, as if they’re somehow obliged to provide those paternal or maternal relationships.

Case in point - OP. Her own son has told her that trying to force him onto her in laws only hurt and embarrassed him, and the would have preferred her to have been honest about the reality of her blended family rather than trying to create what she saw as ‘the perfect family’ (a nuclear one, apparently).

Is it because it makes you feel bad about your life choices and you feel that your partner's family should pick up the slack. It don't work like that your partner or husband decided to take on the responsibility not his family. Marry for love not money.

Not necessarily. It depends on what expectations and entitlement have been fostered. It appears OP and partner aren't married.

OP's expectations and feelings of entitlement are the real problem. She feels so entitled that she's having issues not "being open" ie sharing her younger son's financial info, which should be private, with her older son. I think she's trying to foster older son feeling entitled to younger son's money. The only way out is for her to drop her expectations and feelings of entitlement to her partner's family money for her son by another dad.

The partner's family obviously knows what's up and they're controlling their financials accordingly. Partner has been bypassed for inheritance.

OP willingly chose to go into this with her eyes open. She chose to bring her existing son into a family with a lot of privilege and had expectations that didn't pan out. If she leaves her money unequally, she's going to be resented by younger son.

It's a blessing she isn't married to him.

This situation does apply to me, I just have empathy for those it does.

“respnnsibility” that’s how you describe a child who just wants the adults in their life to live and care for them without CLEARLY demonstrating they aren’t as valued as other children in the family.

Yes, a child is a responsibility - of their actual parents.

He wasn’t, and isn’t, their grandchild/nephew so no, they didn’t ‘value’ him in that way. He hasn’t taken issue with that, but with Op trying to force a relationship that wasn’t there.