One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

What is more than a legal relationship? That an adopted child is recognized as someone’s child equal to any biological children is just that - a legal relationship. Not sure what you’re disagreeing with there.

Blood as a central idiom is not by any means exclusive to Euro-American culture, but in this case we’re talking about people raised and living within those cultural parameters.

You’d have a point with the rest of it if I said that blood was the only ‘real’ kinship, superior to any other system - except I explicitly said it wasn’t. I said it’s the dominant one, which isn’t commentary on value, but recognition of how prevalent it both currently is, and historically has been. Regardless of whether you personally agree or not, that importance is placed on it should come as a surprise to precisely no one.

Here's a thought maybe ops husbands family doesn't like the op. They only tolerated her because she married their son/nephew/brother/cousin. Op is married to her husband not his family she shouldn't have big expectations from them. She needs to protect her oldest son from disappointment and ensure he understands the dynamics. I do think the op never understood her husband's family dynamics and behaviour. Op needs to remember she came with baggage and her DH accepted them but his family doesn't have to. If I was the op I would focus on my husband and children and less on his family and what they do.

The way to deal with this is to put it completely out of your mind. It’s nothing to do with you. You can do nothing about it. Feeling aggrieved on your elder DS’s behalf is really unhelpful. It will seep into your thinking about your younger DS and damage your relationship with him. Be happy for younger DS. It’s a lovely unexpected thing that has happened. Your elder DS in no worse a position than he was. It’s not a zero sum game. You should definitely not tell your elder DS. It is absolutely none of your business. If you must think about it, reframe it to acknowledge that you don’t have to worry about your younger DS’s future prosperity and you can concentrate on helping elder DS make the right decisions for his financial future.
Many people can be happy for the good fortune of their siblings without feeling jealous.

I am with OP on this one. Though I believe she chose the wrong husband second time around. Any man who marries a mother should accept their child as his own, as should his family. Otherwise it’s going to cause grief. The poor elder boy must feel isolated and inadequate. Maybe she was smitten, or didn’t see the writing on the wall. This is the fallout. And talking of falling out…I would be very surprised if the two half brothers can have a healthy relationship in this toxic dynamic. The MiL should have had more foresight. Re: those saying the OP made poor choices by having children with two different fathers. They have zero idea about her circumstances. It’s sexism, simple as. I have absolutely no problem with her wanting to find new love, a new life and a father figure for her first son. It’s natural and healthy. Though she chose a man who wanted to prioritise any progeny of his own and THAT is a poor choice. It’s a shame.

I think it would be unfair to leave one child out of your will because the other had an inheritance from someone else! What if ds1 wins the lottery or has a very high flying job? Who knows what the future holds. Maybe people should put more thought into having children by different fathers if they are not prepared to accept that things won’t always be equal between them!

They're not married...

You want advice on how to deal with the disparity - well, teach both that they aren't entitled to anyone else's money and should be focused on making their own. Anything they do inherit is a gift - just like if one of them won the lottery, or got a top paying job while the other was unemployed. And gifts aren't equal. Being siblings doesn't mean any sort of equality from the world. As long as you haven't showed favouritism and given them the same opportunities, how the rest of the world (or in this case, wider family) treats them is not your business. You see your children as equals, the world does not. One of them has turned out luckier than the other with respect to inheritance, the other could be luckier in love, career, contentment, health, all sorts - not all of which are to do with choice.

She says her MiL…ie the mother of her husband…has left money to their shared child.

This sounds like a very unfair situation for you to be put in. But on this occasion, I’d agree with your partner.

1. Unless both want to equalise via the will, the best approach is to treat both boys the same. If you have differing wills, then if it comes out one of the boys will feel hard done by.

2. It isn’t your place to tell your other son that his younger brother has an inheritance. Life isn’t fair sometimes and siblings can have different lives. That’s just how it goes. If you mention it before your younger son does, it will seem like you are causing trouble. However, if you let your younger son to decide when or if he says anything, I think that would be better. It’s his private information after all.

It is hard watching one child get so much and another not but the best thing you can do is show both boys they are equal as far as you are concerned.

They’re not married. Despite her using ‘MIL’, he’s her partner, not her husband.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - people will decide for themselves what works for them, and taking on a stepchild ‘as your own’ is not something either a stepparent or their family is in any way obliged to do. What has been damaging is that expectation, and OP trying to force them into giving her and her son what she believed they ‘should’ have provided. Her own son has told her that her approach only resulted in disappointment and embarrassment for him, and that he would have preferred honesty about the reality.

If OP wanted her children to be equal in the eyes of all their family members then yes, she did make a poor choice. The same would apply to man in the same position, so it’s hardly sexism. A blended family is not the same as a nuclear one, and while some may choose not to differentiate, that isn’t something that can be expected, or demanded. Not unless you’re prepared to be upset, anyway.

Yes, but they're not married. He isn't her husband. He isn't her child's stepfather. The dead grandmother isn't her MIL.

This is the awful consequence, creating unnecessary secrets and possibly stress for those who inherited. I can't think how you can even it out. Whatever you do will create imbalance. Can you, loan the elder son money of your own for house purchase, at 'no interest' ?

That's a terrible imposition to put on these boys and the secret keeping will create problems in the future no doubt. Talk about storing up trouble! I feel for you but you seem to be in an impossible situation considering your DPs attitude, and that seems threaded through his family. Very unhealthy, but not for you to solve

It’s not about ‘keeping secrets’, it’s about respecting someone else’s right to privacy. Her son is an adult, and his finances are his business - if he wants to share that information his brother it’s up to him, not OP.

As if OP telling her eldest couldn’t have negative consequences for her relationships with her sons and partner.

As much as OP says it's not about expecting inheritance from her DP's family, all the emotions stemming from this arrangement being "unfair" to her first child kind of suggest she is. It would have been obvious by bringing a child into a new relationship that things will inevitably not be the same. Even with best of intentions, I would think there is a natural bias with the biological child. If the relationship doesn't work out not like DP got any claims to the elder child.

Just make it clear to both boys they inherit from their own father's side and anything else if they ever get any is a bonus. If one family is richer than the other, well the mother picked to have a second partner and child. Realise it early on such is life rather than bringing them up like they are exactly the same as it will only bring failed expectations later on.

Do you expect your eldest to share his inheritance from his father's side of the family?

I don't get why this is an issue when he will still inherit separately?

There are terrifying statistics about the awful
impact of having a step parent in the home on the life of a child.

This thread really shows why in full view. If a child is forced into a “blended family” but never treated equally to the “biological children” I can only imagine how that would
affect you psychologically. people will always say they are treated fairly but the child knows deep down, if it isn’t brazen and often it is. But people show their true colours in their wills.

I think you should absolutely right the disparity for your older son when and if you have the chance and if your husband doesn’t agree I’d be questioning the father he is.

They are not married

Wasn't reference made to her stepson having to keep his inheritance secret from her son ? Nothing to do with privacy. (Of course that assumes they have a relationship of course). No one is suggesting that she gets involved in tattle telling between them. That would be madness

No one is obliged to do this. To right ‘the wrong’ There is nothing with children inheriting from their parents and extended family. It’s perfectly natural.

When the child is old enough an honest explanation might be needed, so that they grow up understanding the reason for the differences. Each child will have different experiences, as they have different parents/heritsge. All the blending in the world won’t change that.

Sexism with regard to negative judgment aimed at women with children from different fathers, which is apparent in many responses. It’s the 21st century. Divorce and separation are common and children generally stay with their mothers. OP should have understood what the dynamic would be regarding her son and any potential stepfather if she wanted love between them plus equal treatment for him and any future siblings. She can’t direct what her partner’s mother will do regarding her ‘blood’ GS, but before she hooked up with her partner, rather than complaining about him prioritising his biological son perhaps it would have been better to establish whether that would be the case before they created another child.

I think in a lot of cases, children really don't need an explanation when they are in blended families and where both biological parents are still alive. These children usually have an ongoing relationship with the parent that they don't live with and there is a clear difference between the SP's, the SC, the biological P's and the biological C, normally.

All the family members are aware of this and are usually accepting of these family dynamics, but most parents of blended families do try and treat the SC and biological ones the same, as much as possible.

So, I believe not being included in a certain inheritance would not necessarily come as a shock, as the family dynamics are understood to quite a great level as the C grow, I believe. I just think it might hit a SC harder at that time. I don't necessarily think an explanation of Why?, is needed. However, in this case, a reminder from the OP that her DS1 will be in the position to inherit one day too, from her and his biological father. I'm not sure about biological GP's.

I'm not sure enough credit is being given to DS1 from the OP. I think it is her that needs to come to terms with it. I wonder if she feels some element of guilt for putting him in that position by becoming a blended family. Maybe it is so apparent to her that he is now going to feel like an outsider to a great degree, in her opinion, and she feels responsible for that. Perhaps that is her struggle.

The family definitely have OP’s number, going by previous threads. OP was already NC with them before this thread.

To all the people saying it should be the same...bla bla.

I met my half brother's gp maybe 4 or 5 times before they died.

Do you really think I should have inherited from them?

Sorry but I cnt believe your having to have a conversation like this,the money is for each child not there parents so once they fly the nest or grow old enough to have there money they will all have it individually, so will all have the same anyway,just coz the have 3 kids it's still split between them all equally,your Lucky she did a will,my dad passed away 12 years ago now and didn't leave a will as my sister got her greedy hands on the lot coz she was the "older one" even tho my dad brought me up on he's own and she 15 years older than me and hardly ever went to see him,be thankful they got something and don't make yourself look greedy and ungrateful for what your child has got,some will miss out some won't in every family so try not take it to heart