One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

What nonsense. This situation needs transparency.

As for the disparity, annoying as it is… it is, what it is. My sibling retired in his thirties after selling his business. We are still siblings. The money doesn’t matter.

Sadly I don't think there is anything you can do. Many situations however lead to vast differences in the lives of siblings. It's the quality of the lives that matter, not always directly related to the amount of money. It's very important however that you don't make or encourage any comparisons between the two boys and their lives. This is both important both for them and for yourself. Enjoy your sons.

It’s up to the adults that have inherited to decide whether they wish to share their financial information. It isn’t for OP to make that call for them.

Yes it is very sad and I understand how upset you feel. In my family a few rungs up the family tree, the only male out of 5 siblings inherited the large house and land whilst the sisters got a few grand. It was common in those days. But it did mean that one line of the family became much more wealthy than the rest. Inherited wealth passed down the generations does make a big difference to generations of lives - not just to your immediate children.

There is of course nothing you can do legally about how others have chosen to distrubute their wealth on their deaths (I know you know this already). But you can do something to address the mismatch of inherited wealth in your own will. It is nothing to do with your partner what you decide about your own money. That you are not married probably legally makes a difference also. Personally I would do exactly that and leave all of my wealth to my least wealthy child if the other was very well off. Although I would be upfront about everything with your children and DP so they understand your reasons (even if they do not agree).

When contesting a will the courts consider the needs and housing of related adults with an interest in the will I believe. so this is a relavant factor (I may have phrased that incorrectly as I am not a solicitor).

Distribution of wealth is always unfair. But I think it will help make you feel a little better if you address it in your will. You could always leave something sentimental to your other son.

You can’t be sure he’d understand at all. You’d like to believe he would, but such action can have its own, equally destructive, ramifications. OP wouldn’t be righting some wrong done to her eldest.

There’s a huge difference between a parent treating children unequally, and a relative that isn't shared doing so.

I think this thread highlight the perils of step-families - it highlight I am very unlikely to create a blended family and I hate that I have half siblings. With that being said it doesn't bother that my siblings will inherit differently. I wouldn't have been upset if either of my parent amended their will to try and even things out. I personally do not care about receiving money from any step relatives. My father called me a couple of years to discuss my inheritance and the house he shares with his ex-wife. I couldn't care less about anything he owns with his current wife - she is not my mother.

I had understood the young man who inherited from his grandmother was an adult?

this is surely therefore his personal, financial business. The lady was not the older son’s grandmother. Therefore what level of transparency is required.

one day the older son will inherit his dad’s house. Will he have to declare the details of this to his younger half brother? Even though they don’t share a dad?

So you don't expect elder son to inherit from step-family, and acknowledgesnothers can do what they want with their money, so what would you rather have happened? That your younger son doesn't inherit anything either so they are all "equal"?

Move on and be glad that at least one of them got a massive leg up the property ladder (this seems to be the focus somewhat). There is no info on your DCs (or maybe I missed it) but unless they are already well past middle age with established life paths, how do you know your elder son won't succeed financially on his own accord and not having to "rely" on an inheritance?

She's dead. She could have at least given something to make the child feel they were part of the family instead of being a miserable old cow.

You should leave everything to your child that has missed out. I'm not sure why that is a difficult decision to make. If one child has been given a lot then of course you'll give what you can to the child that didn't get. I got absolutely nothing so just be glad you're from the kind of people able to do these things as for a lot of us, especially millennials, we can't even get in a position to buy our own homes let alone have someone set us up or leave us theirs.

There are moments when I am pleased I only had one child. This is one of them.

I would try not to think about it like this. Your kids knew they were from different family backgrounds and will be more able to deal with this than you as you just see it as a negative slight in your oldest.

my family have a similar situation, not with inheritance but with citizenship. My two older kids don’t have American citizenship and it has made everything in their lives so much harder than my youngest who is a dual citizen.

they just deal with it. They know life isn’t always fair and they make the best of it. Your oldest will do the same.

Have to disagree—first, adoption does create more than a legal relationship, otherwise adopted siblings would be able to marry legally. Next, kinship /marriage taboos vary widely (e.g., two babies nursed from same women may not marry in some societies). Blood is a central idiom in Euro-American culture, an ideology that links it to kinship. However, it is ethocentric to claim that simply because it is a meaningful symbol to you, that it somehow is more ‘real’ than alternative systems of kinship reckoning practiced in countless cultures worldwide.

Regardless of the inheritance, your children could vary vastly money wise as adults depending on what paths they take in life would you expect one child to subsidise the other if one was a ceo and the other a bin man, no you wouldn’t so they shouldn’t have to split inheritance to make up the difference. Yes it sucks donkey dick they left your older son out but it’s just how it is and it’s on you to make that up in your will if you want to even it out in the future but who knows if your youngest will be left more money from other family members in years to come

Your oldest son could set up a successful business, or marry into money, and end up just as rich as his brother.
Or the younger one could fritter it all away, you never know.

Personally if I was in your shoes, I would leave bulk of YOUR money to the oldest child, but explain it to youngest child first, so it is not a surprise to him when you die. Basically, explain to him that he is very thankfully set up for life, but that his brother is not, and you want them both to have the same safety net.

But whatever you feel inside, I wouldn't dramatise it to older child. He has plenty of opportunities in life to make his own money. His brother having more doesn't take anything away from him, if you see what I mean.

"If the money is accessible can you try redistributing it?"

I rather doubt that the OP is either an executor or trustee. Even if she were, it would be totally unlawful and unethical for a trustee or executor to do this.

"E.g. youngest has less/nothing spent on them, they have to self fund everything? Might seem unfair... "

Might seem unfair? You think?

As I understand the situation, the OP's younger son is currently either 17 about to turn 18 or has just turned 18.

I believe his earlier inheritance becomes vested at a later age (maybe 24 or 25).

"...youngest has less/nothing spent on them, they have to self fund everything?"

I can just imagine that conversation:

Dearest DS2, I know that you are just turning 18 this year and will inherit some money in a few years time. As a result of this we will not support you in any way during your time at university. Good luck.

ps Your older brother, DS1, is very happy in his house with the help given him with the deposit but you aren't getting anything because you're DS2

Is this really what you are advocating for?

Frankly, that is a really nasty attitude.

OP, it just is what it is.

The truth will come out in full about the inheritance. However, I just think it would be best to explain to both your DC at that time, that they are both loved equally, but that they both have different circumstances, which has put them in different positions.

They just need to feel confident that you will be there for them both and help them as much as you can. It's not only financial help that our kids need. One might be financially equipped but struggling mentally, or emotionally, and the other not doing so well financially but still be quite happy and content in his life.

If you make the inheritance into a big deal, then it's more likely that your older child will believe it is too, and then feel hard done by and unfairly treated, I think.

It’s interesting you talk about life chances OP.

i completely understand your upset at this disparity and wanting your children to have the same chances and be treated equally. That is entirely to your credit and shows you are a great mum.

it sounds like the money is enough to buy a property, but not have a life where you never need to work. Is that right? That takes a huge amount of stress off your youngest son.

but it’s important to remember that people with wildly different starting points can end up in the same place and vice versa. ( like your family)

You have no idea how their lives will play out. Your eldest may decide he wants to work harder in a lucrative career. Your youngest may decide that his financial security allows him to pursue a job that is more like a hobby. Those choices bring their own rewards and sacrifices. Their lives could be very different, but not worse.

money can be a blessing and a curse- and it’s impossible to know which way it will go.

things like divorce, career path, choice of partner, health, academic ability could completely reverse this situation.

I’ve seen these things play out over the years with various people. I know of a family where the child of a wealthy family has never held down a proper job and is in their 40’s. I’m not saying this will happen to your youngest, but it shows that money doesn’t compensate for everything.

The important thing is not to let your eldest son feel hard done by. His brother’s good fortune (luck) is not his bad luck. He needs to understand that this doesn’t set his future in stone as being less than his brother. His future- and how he decides to live his life - is entirely up to him.

Reason why I avoided children from different fathers or no more children after first child if relationship didn’t survive coz I feel yr pain as a parent

I can see in some circumstances this might seem unfair, but I don't see why it is as a general proposition. The fact that a person's own child marries someone with children and has both biological and step children doesn't obliged that person to treat the stepchild(ren) as if they were biological grandchildren. They might do, they might not. But it doesn't necessarily seem "sad" to me.

OP you ask how to deal with it.
I married a DS1 in a similar situation. He honestly has zero resentment towards the siblings (technically half) who inherited. I think I helped that he didn't have a strong relationship with the person who died, so didn't feel left out or like the deceased owed him anything.
I also know that it really upset their Mum when it happened and particularly when the younger came of age to receive the inheritance. At various points she considered changing her will to try to redress the balance but I don't think she went through with it. Partly because several years later when they are all grown up the non inheriting kids are doing absolutely fine. Financially in terms of decent jobs, nice homes, but also in other ways, good health, nice families.
I don't know if it might help to know that others have been there and with the passage of time the pain does recede.

I would agree with you.

I was talking to someone the other day whose dbro inherited a couple of million from his Godmother.
She nor her other siblings did not.

She did not resent it at all; felt it was luck of the draw; and it wasn't anything other than just one of those things, and certainly he should not have felt any pressure to share it between them. They'd all had a friend of their mum's as their Godmother and this one was the only one that hadn't married/had children.

She said the Godmother had often taken them all out for day trips, but when it came to birthday/Christmas presents they'd only given to their Godchild. She didn't see why anyone would begrudge it. And no, she isn't far richer than her bro and the money would have been useful to her.

It's a similar thing. There was a different relationship through being a Godparent.

Should the ops oldest child's dad or grandparents leave money or property to his younger half brother as well? Other wise it's not fair and his dad and family will be unloving to his son's/grandson half brother.

I mean in the ideal world, we would all love and treat everyone equally, but in this world, we are just naturally conditioned to love and favour our biological families more, on the whole.

My eldest son (16) has a different dad to the son I had with my now husband. My husband got together with me when my eldest was 1 and took him on as his own (inc 50/50 split in his will to both kids). His parents also took him on as their own kinda grandchild (amazing imo, my DH was only 22 at the time), and at that point, they had no other grandkids (they now have 4 biologically not inc him). But I still would never expect my in laws to leave any inheritance to my eldest. And tbh, I probably would feel deeply uncomfortable if they did. My eldest could benefit from inheritance from people on his paternal side, and that's nothing to do with my youngest son, or me or anyone else really. I'd put this down as just being one of lifes pissers rather than a massive injustice tbh.