One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

I do think we open ourselves up to this when we get into blended families. I think we have to understand that the children may not receive equal amounts when it comes to inheritance. 2 families can be on quite different financial spectrums. Grandparents usually consider their biological grandchildren. I don't think they are wrong to do that. An ex partner will consider their biological children and not the children that his ex goes on to have children with.

All of these things and more create this inequality

And that’s also unfair. One DC inherits from 3 sets for example and their half sibling from 2 sets only 😉🤷🏻‍♀️

And nobody should plan their life or their children’s around a potential inheritance. People can do with their money what they want!

@SchoolDilemma17 I am not suggesting he blames his brother, or anyone. But jealousy is a normal, understandable, emotion in the circumstances.

It isn’t hers to redistribute. What does ‘deserving’ have to do with anything? He doesn’t need to deserve it to have it, and him having it doesn’t mean that OP is required to compensate his brother, who hasn’t even been treated unfairly. The brothers have been treated differently by relatives they don’t have in common, which is entirely different proposition to their own mother treating them unequally.

Rather than a lesson in fairness, such action is more likely to create bad feeling and destroy relationships.

You say they are entitled to do what they want with their will, then complain about it?

You can't have it both ways.

Oof, the fallout from the consequences of inheritances, intended or otherwise, can be so harsh. No advice, I'm afraid, except to offer you and your eldest son my sympathies. I'd be feeling the same pain as you.

Yes, I totally agree

Your husband adopted your first son. That changed everything. I wish that people would stop equating step-child with adopted-child. Adopted children are given the same legal and financial rights as a biological child.

A step-child does not have these protections.

I admit it's imperfect, but it seems to me the current situation is very likely to create bad feelings and destroy relationships on its own already. One brother is being taught that he's automatically entitled, and the other undeserving.

I do know in some cultures that they believe the females will go on to get married and their husbands will take care of them financially, and that is their reason for not leaving them such an inheritance.

Oh dear another reason to think before starting a blended family. If the brothers get along can you ask him to split the money

I don't think they have quite caught up to the culture over here or the times we are in, to be honest

When I was at school, many years ago, Prizegiving Night was eagerly anticipated by pupils and parents to see who'd been awarded what. It was a fair process with many prize recipients already known as in they 'came first in class' or 'received no late notices' or some other quantifiable quality. Then there were the ones awarded by the pupils or teachers submitting nominations, and these were the most sought after.

I think today's habit of schools giving everybody a prize so no one feels left out is raising unrealistic expectations that their lives ahead will be fair and that they're entitled to what other people have.

One common factor across cultures, and throughout history, is the importance placed on blood relationships. It’s disingenuous to deny this. Is it the only form of kinship? No, of course not, but it is the dominant one.

Adoption establishes a legal relationship that simply marrying someone that is a parent does not. Even so, there are still plenty of people that would consider adopted relatives differently to their blood relatives, rightly or wrongly.

OP, if I had to explain this to one of my children I would equate it to a lightning strike. Nothing to do with deservedness or not. Some people get good luck sometimes, like a windfall. Some people don't get it. Some less fortunate people get struck down by illness. Again, nothing to do with deservedness or not.

This is circumstance; nothing more than that.

There is absolutely no scope for any of that inheritance to be 'redistributed' and it would be very wrong. Likewise, leaving an unequal split yourself is also ill-advised given how easily people equate inheritance with love.

So much this that I wonder whether the reason OP isn’t married to her partner/bf is precisely because he and his family want to keep her and her son at a distance. I wouldn’t be impressed with any boyfriend who did this to me.

Reaching a bit there aren’t you?

@EWAB , I can empathise with your sadness that you can’t make things ‘fair’ financially for your two sons. Unfortunately, life can be (and often is) unfair in myriad ways - many of which are random and not due to life choices. Financial disparity will only cause division between your sons if they choose to let that happen.

The way your dp’s family are trying to keep inheritance secrets from one another is a case in point. Even if your youngest DS keeps his latest inheritance secret (and his male cousins do the same) unless they stick it all in the bank and never buy anything much with it, it will be blindingly obvious they’ve got these huge sums of money from somewhere! I’d hazard a guess your older ds and the other relatives being kept in the dark are likely to be more upset if they feel they’ve been deceived than if the beneficiaries told them the truth from the outset!

Come what may, love, health, integrity and happiness are far more important than money and these are the things that all the money in the world cannot buy. You’ve only got to listen to some of the vindictive, bitter and twisted rantings of multi billionaires who’ve been in the news recently to see that!

It sounds like you’ve always tried really hard to be a good mum to both your sons and loved them fairly, acting with honesty and integrity. Maybe one way you could try to come to terms with financial differences between your two sons is to consider how you can continue to show them you love them both equally whatever their financial or any other circumstances may be. A fair share of your love is worth far more than money!

Talk to the youngest son and explain that you’ll be making adjustments to your will. I’m sure they will understand.

The message that your partner thinks you’ll be leaving is that you don’t love your youngest son as much as your eldest. Explain that isn’t the truth. Ask your youngest son, if there’s anything special of yours you would like to directly to him. Talk to him like an adult. I’m sure he will understand.

You can also give sums during your lifetime, to the eldest son. You have to be careful and stipulate in your will that you intend for the eldest to have the largest share though.

This isn’t the crisis you think it is. You also don’t have to tell your partner anything. You aren’t married, your estate doesn't automatically pass to him.

I think the best thing you can do is push the importance of education. The better they educate themselves, the more choices they will have later in life. Money offers you choices, but it also comes and goes.

Have you been in this position, and done as you have said? It's just that you say, "One thing you know for sure..."

I do think it's extremely easy for one to say what they would do, especially with large sums of money, when only hypothetically speaking.

I usually get the feeling that a person using these words is trying to force their feelings onto someone else and make them feel wrong, guilty, or even foolish if they don't take on that other person's feelings or act on them.

My brother and I have the same inheritance still different lives. He earns 20 times more than me a year and lives in a house that is 10 times more expensive than mine.

What does inheritance have to do with how well you do in life.

You concentrate on giving a message of how the younger one has met with random good fortune and actively steer away from any suggestion the older one has lost out or is less deserving.

If it's a lot of money so that the circles they move in will be different then your older child may benefit from access to a circle they wouldn't have done otherwise.

You bring up both your children to value people for their value not their wealth and you teach them via demonstration to think about how someone with less money (but as much worth) can be helped to join in whilst not patronising them. That will help your younger one access some of the advantages.

I would perhaps favour one in terms of help or in a will if it meant both children could be on the property ladder or if it meant they could avoid specific debt etc but otherwise would try to keep even.

I don't know the sex makeup of the rest of the grandchildren but wondered if the MIL brother was evening up the division a bit by only allowing the males to inherit. (If the 3 siblings are girl heavy)

The reality, I'm afraid, it's that the richer one may have an easy life and the poorer one struggle or alternatively the richer one may grow into an arsehole and blow it all and finish up destitute whilst the poorer one may learn the need for hard work and diligence and make a mint. In some ways avoiding the latter should be your focus.

I find all this skipping generations to avoid money going to step kids, just giving money to boys, and insisting everything is secret pretty grim. I know people do it but I would loose trust in your partner, he seems to think its ok, I would make sure your eldest is provided for in your will as I wouldn't trust him to.