One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

OP I understand why you feel so bad for your older son. I would feel like that if I remarried and had another child and my firstborn was left out especially if we’d been married for a long time and my child had grown up as part of the family for a long time. You’re concerned that they’d feel cast aside and could form resentment if their younger sibling could have advantages they’re denied such as paying off university fees or having a deposit for a home. I can understand your partner’s family making their decisions - I personally think it’s a bit cruel if your son had grown up in the family for a long time. I do think your partner is being insensitive though - he met and married you and did so knowing and choosing to be a stepfather. He and you went on and had a child together but blended families should work that all kids are seen as collectively ‘yours’. I can see it might be different if you get together when you’re much older and all the kids are already adults but this isn’t the case in your situation if I’ve understood correctly. As others have said I think the best thing would be to sit both brothers down and explain that you love them both equally and that you both just want to give them an equal opportunity in life and therefore you want to balance the scales and give assistance in the form of money to the oldest so they can have the same opportunities that the youngest has due to his two inheritances. Being open and allowing them to get the opportunity to ask questions and state their feelings means they won’t get a shock in future when the will’s being read and allows them to know why you’re making the decisions and hopefully will stop any future animosity between them. Talk frankly to your partner he has to be honest just like if you adopt a child they are yours regardless of biology does he see your older child as ‘his’? Hope you find a resolution that makes both your sons feel seen and loved equally. Good luck.

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CurlyhairedAssasin

ParsnipPuree
"I have a similar issue with my adult children which I'm mentioning to show that imbalances can happen in other ways too, DD's boyfriend has just inherited millions and will be buying a house for him and dd to live in before they get married.

Ds however will never own his own home despite earning a decent salary.

It's not fair and as a parent my heart breaks for ds. Absolutely nothing I can do about it other than alter my own will.

My dh is my children's step dad and treats them financially the same as his children. There is absolutely nothing way though, under any circumstances, that he would change his will to leave mine MORE than his own to even out an imbalance. This would be completely unreasonable, and it wouldn't occur to me to ask that of him."

"Don't alter your will without speaking to your daugher and son first. You need to check that a) she would be absolutely fine with this plan and b) that her future husband has not sorted things legally so that his inheritance and house is ring-fenced so that your DD would be entitled to none of it should they split up in the next few years. Imagine the ructions if you altered your will to benefit your son, you then died, son is left fine financially, then the next year your DD splits with her boyfriend/husband but there is a legal arrangement where she walks away from the marriage/relationship with nothing, and your son does nothing to help her.

It could be better to just leave it to them both equally and then upon your death they could decide between them AT THAT TIME to do a deed of variation in the case that your daughter decided she was perfectly financially fine without her share of your estate. But you can't assume. Never assume. Open and transparent discussions are the best."

Thank you so much for this advice. I will wait a few years to see how it pans out with my dd.. I'm in good health at present but one never knows.

I would be heartbroken if my sons were in this situation . Of course you want them to have more equal chances in life . I would be minded to have a very open conversation with them both and explain that you will be leaving your assets to the older son based on need not favouritism .
The secrecy you’ve described would not sit well with me either .

The lesson is don’t live your life based on what you think/might inherit. Assume nothing and then anything you get is a windfall. DH inherited zilch when his parents died and I’m probably going to get a decent low six figures inheritance one day but we haven’t planned our lives around it.

As someone else pointed out, the OP and her partner aren't married. He isn't her son's stepfather. And as it stands, his will leaves his share of the house to his son only. Had he received the inheritance from MIL himself, there is no reason to think he would have given any of it to the OP's eldest son. But by doing it this way, MIL has saved her son from being relentlessly badgered by the OP. Also, this "life changing" amount is £120k. That's not going to go far in London. Youngest son isn't exactly going to be financially worry-free for the rest of his life.

I agree. Why would you tell older son? None of his business. I feel you are over dramatic about this tbh, they have different fathers and therefore different families on one side.

Surely this happens a lot. I don’t expect to inherit from my Stepfather or his family.

Oh my heavens they aren’t married!!! So all this drama over her boyfriend’s son inheriting from his grandmother???

OP you need to give yourself a really good shake.

Yes when I read back it was very badly worded. Because I see us as the child generation ridiculously! All were consenting adults. I agreed with why they did it but it must have been hard for the two who lost out, though I'm sure they wouldn't have expressed that.

I’ve always said Wills are contentious things, but have to accept what people’s wishes are.

That said I have in the laser seethed over the unfair distribution of equal areas.

I think if you bypass your children to go to grandchildren of more than one child, it should be split into equal % of children, so if you have 4 children each family get 25%, then any grandchildren are equally divided by their parents 25% as in what they would have inherited.

however parents of many children may baulk at an only child’s amount say, or any less children than they have. However as this is what they would have originally inherited “if” it had gone to their parents it would seem more fair from a general point of view. The second windfall I imagine people with the female grandchildren will also be seething, are they hoping the males give them the money also?

Your two sons will have different monies, this will be a benefit for the younger but, the people I know who have succeeded in life are often the ones that have been more hard done by, they seem to have more drive. I would put zero pressure on your youngest, if he decides in the future that’s up to him.

I part see why your eldest has been excluded, but I do wonder if in the future when blended families are seen more equal this general stance may change. It may have been nice him to be included even if it was a token gesture.

overall they are lucky children to receive anything, many people I know their parents have nothing to leave. May whatever they do they use it well.

Indeed lots of siblings have different lives. It’s not an issue until you make it one.

My BIL is a multi-millionaire, my DH is not, it’s not an issue!

My DH's half brothers (DH was 2 when DMIL remarried - he's 40 now, BILs are 36 and 32) inherited almost £500k each last year from their paternal grandparent and DH got £10k.

It is was it is but won't lie that my DH has felt jealous and has distanced himself from his brothers to help manage those feelings.

But why blame the brothers? Unless they influenced the will?

I think it is a bit unusual to expect to inherit from step grandparents unless you are very close. Mine had 10 grandchildren, of course I didn’t inherit. No idea who did.

I agree with pp you are being dramatic. Many siblings take different paths and one could be much richer than the other regardless of any inheritance. I don't like these posts saying they will give one child more in their own will. Regardless of any wealth of your children you should always split your will between them fairly. Otherwise you could cause huge issues with the siblings once you have passed away I think it's very cruel actually.

Technically calling her partner's mum "MIL" isn't correct either. This thread is basically "My boyfriend's mum gave his inheritance to his son because of me and now his uncle has done the same thing. I'm devastated that my other son from a previous relationship doesn't have exactly the same amount of money in the bank. Should I interfere again and cause more trouble?"

I do understand what you have said here. However, this could cause problems too.

Let's just say the SF leaves to his SC, and then the biological father and biological grandparents leave for their son/grandson, and of course the OP leaves to her DC1 too. He may end up getting so much more than the younger son.

I just think when you have blended families, it's going to be difficult to know what to do in these instances. It won't usually work out equal, but that's not to say it's not fairly carried out by some.

It's a sorry state of affairs that it's happened. If the money is accessible can you try redistributing it? E.g. youngest has less/nothing spent on them, they have to self fund everything? Might seem unfair but what has one of your children done to deserve the money that the other hasn't? It'd be a lesson in fairness (and economy)

Obviously, their money so their decision.

I have to say however that I am very sad for "stepgrandchildren" who are treated as "less than" than biological grandchildren.

Apart from the males only bit there is nothing surprising here.

Agreed.

I love the idea of inheriting from step parents.

My mother had 3 partners, my father 5. All my half siblings are very wealthy. I'd be loaded! I would have got some of what each of them got, I'd probably have more than them.

Sadly, reality is that that is not how it works. Nor should it be.

My first response is so what? I don’t mean that unkindly. Kids in families have different “outcomes” all the time. It’s just money. Money doesn’t but happiness but yes it affords choices.

My point is why are you letting this bother you? Yeah it’s unexpected and shocking but it is what it is - seemingly unfair but as long as your kids are happy and healthy that’s all that matters.

This.

Why should they be treated the same?They are not their grandchildren, but the children of someone their son chose to date.

Of course you don’t feel the same unless in very exceptional circumstances.

Why? Out of curiosity.

should ‘step’ grandchildren inherit from potentially four sets of grandparents? What about people who have three or four marriages?