One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

Yes. I totally agree. There is no reason stepchildren should inherit. But MiL could have left her estate to her DC rather than her DGC. That she did not suggests she wanted to impose her will on her descendants by making sure they did not have access to her estate, and generally this is considered unreasonable. It's her money and she can do what she likes, naturally. It's not what I and my late DH have done and it was not hard to do.

The reason they are going to have vastly different lives is because you chose to have different fathers for them. This is a consequence of your choice.

Not really.

Hey bro… I just inherited a load of money, so I’m giving you ££. Enjoy!’

And if Bro then pisses it up the wall and comes with hand held out for more?

The implication, I think is not that MIL should have included the older son in the grandchild-inherit list, but that MIL avoided leaving money to OP's husband because that money would, she thought, eventually be split between OP's two sons, one of whom was MIL's grandson and one of whom was not.
It is fairly clear, I think, that OP thinks she and her husband should be treating her two sons at least equally (or, as far as their own assets are concerned, her husband should be leaving more to his stepson than his biological son). MIL might very well have decided to leave the legacy directly to the grandson if she didn't want that to happen; OP certainly thinks this was a motive, anyway.

I have a similar issue with my adult children which I'm mentioning to show that imbalances can happen in other ways too, DD's boyfriend has just inherited millions and will be buying a house for him and dd to live in before they get married.

Ds however will never own his own home despite earning a decent salary.

It's not fair and as a parent my heart breaks for ds. Absolutely nothing I can do about it other than alter my own will.

My dh is my children's step dad and treats them financially the same as his children. There is absolutely nothing way though, under any circumstances, that he would change his will to leave mine MORE than his own to even out an imbalance. This would be completely unreasonable, and it wouldn't occur to me to ask that of him.

Potentially there may have been a reason for this though? And it's highly unlikely a mother would skip all her own 3 kids to make sure it goes to the grandkids instead, purely to ensure cutting 1 step child out?

Far more likely the will was drawn up to be simply - "I have 6 biological DGC I would like my estate to be split to benefit them'...

Not, oh! There's this one from marriage, and then can we reflect if someone splits up? And XYZ...

I didn't do anything. See my later clarification. Im in the 'younger' generation though we were all adults at the time, I just worded it badly. I don't know what discussions were had etc and it wasn't my place to ask, my cousins were similar ages to me (30ish), the will skipped to us and to my cousins because we had both lost the parent who would have benefitted, but my grandparents had included the 'children of the whole blood' clause that used to be so standard (may still be I don't practice in private client).

When does a child of your new partner become a step child to them or you consider them a step dad.
When does your child from a different father from their son become a step grandson to your new partner's parents.
If you chose a new partner and he choses you does that mean all his family should now consider your children with someone else as part of their family.
That's the reality. These choices were between you and a partner who isn't the biological father of all of your children. His family have no connection to your children with a different man.

Sounds sad, OP

My older stepsister (who is estranged from her father) was treated exactly the same as the blood grandchildren when my grandmother died and my dad treats her as his own, as he does with her children. I know that's rare.

I would 100% have an honest and empathetic conversation with your older son. That's your right and will help him accept the differences in privilege better I think

And it happened to me not as a step child but as an adopted child at 8 months. At 25 my siblings inherited from grandparents but I didn't because I was not blood. Nice one Granny, I loved you too😀

OP and her husband haven't treated the two sons differently, though.
Husband's mother and great-uncle (or half-uncle, can't recall) have treated the two differently, leaving money to the younger (husband's biological son) not the older (husband's stepson). That doesn't say anything about the husband's own attitude, surely?

I totally understand where you're coming from on this & I'd really struggle with keeping secrets from my children like this, it's awful & you shouldn't be put in that position. To me, your DHs family sound awful, all this secrecy around money is horrible & divisive.

I don't know what the answer is I'm afraid but I definitely would not lie to my kids. I'd try to be flip about it, I guess, so eldest doesn't feel left out of some huge thing (it's just money after all), like a throwaway comment.

As for only giving inheritance to the males? What the Fuck is that even about? Did this guy die in 1850 & someone only just found the will?

I understand how you are feeling op

Me and dh have never had any significant inheritance £20k from dmil as she was in a care home. So we know inheritance isn't guaranteed and have planned our finances around that mortgage nearly paid off etc

There is only my dm still alive now and due to a fairly recent family situation which is being investigated but i don't hold out much hope she has told me she has changed her will so i presume it all goes to my not so d sis IT IS DM MONEY SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS but it makes me so sad as we could of used it to help dc get on the property ladder they will inherit from me and dh equally but as we are 47 and 55 I am hoping it won't be for many years to come

No idea who dsis will leave it to if there is anything left she hasn't even waited for dm to die before remortgaging dm house as she's single no dc of her own and she's blocked my dc as well as me and dh

The ‘secrecy around money’ is respect for an adult’s privacy.

OP’s youngest is an adult, and his financial circumstances are not something his brother is entitled to know. If he wants to tell his bother it’s up to him to do so, it’s not for OP to do it for him.

I like the idea of paying into a life insurance policy for dc1 to inherit when you die. Then you split your other assets equally.

Where does it say the ages specifically? OP mentions that the original inheritance won't be available to him for another 6 years so we can assume he's 12 & has to wait till he's 18?

Eitherway, I think the age is irrelevant when they are both her children & are brothers. She's being forced to treat her OWN children differently - children she bore.

In an earlier thread. The original inheritance is in a trust, and didn’t become available to him when he turned 18.

Them being her children does not mean she’s entitled to share their personal information, and no one is entitled to know about their sibling’s finances. How is OP being forced to treat them differently?

How? By being told to keep secrets about something to do with her own kids, it's ridiculous to allow money to be this divisive, incredibly unhealthy.

It's just money! It's not that important & certainly not more important than honesty with your children

How far does that go? Do they get medical privacy, for example? Or must they share the ins and out of their entire lives with their siblings?

Her own kids are adults that can decide for themselves what they want to share. It’s not for mummy to decide she knows what’s best and share their private information to make herself feel better. Sharing that info could absolutely blow up in her face and end up being far more damaging than simply minding her own business would be.

Sadly this is true. Maybe your younger DC will choose to give some of his wealth to his older brother after he is 18. You shouldn't pressure him to do so though. Just if he chooses to. Your elder DS is on the housing ladder so will be fine.

It says nothing about how he feels about his brother. The inheritance is about his relationship with his relative.

OP, I understand you find this painful, but please don't do anything to harm the relationship between your sons. It's not unusual for people to only leave money to blood relatives, and at the end of the day.... it's just money. You're risking causing bad feelings between your sons for zero gain for anyone.

Okay, and how exactly would that conversation go then?

'Hey kids, so DC2 you have 120k, and DC1 you have nowt! But, it's not important, and it's more important I'm being honest with you about it, and it's just money!"... Enjoy 👍

Sorry I'm still not clear on how old these children are.

Fwiw I have brought my kids up to open about things like health - especially important as they are all boys - & to not feel shame or embarrassment about these things. As such I wouldn't be betraying anyone by talking about it as its unlikely I'd find myself in any 'position', whether it was financial or medical.

I'm sorry, I just do not think it's a good thing to encourage secrecy &/or shame around ordinary things.

If you have a look at the OP's other threads you will see that the OP's sons will be absolutely fine about this. It is the OP who is obsessed with people being left out. She has countless threads about unrelated people not inviting her to things, or not inviting her husband to things, or not inviting her children to things. This obsession is so extreme that it has caused drama in the wider family.

OP, genuinely, you need to talk to a professional about this. This level of jealousy and rage is not normal. Your eldest even told you that the approach you have taken has caused him embarrassment and disappointment at times. He has his head screwed on right. He knows there are differences between him and his brother. He accepts and understands that. It is you who needs to accept it.