One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

18 and early twenties, I think.

No idea cos if one of my sons had this happen I'd feel so sad they'd be willing to hide it, I'd be really very surprised if they didn't share it - I wouldn't need to say anything at all.

Realistically why should they share it though? It's an inheritance not a Mars bar 🤔

Would you expect your sons going forward in life to share bonuses at work, partner's (if one felt the other had done better), children (if one couldn't have one), kidney's (if one didn't want to donate).

Your DP is wrong. Family dysfunction is fuelled by this kind of thing. It’s really important to talk about it honestly. They know they have different fathers and extended families. They can understand that it’s not your fault things have worked out that way. And no one gets to tell you what you can and can’t talk to your own children about.

One thing I know for sure - if I inherited massively more (or even substantially more) than a sibling or half-sibling, I would be sharing that money.

How wonderful for your DS2!
Be sure to help him make wise decisions and investments.

You can only do the same for DS1.
Help him save and work hard at earning as much money in his chosen field. Should he up grade his qualifications? Can you help with that? Should he look to swap his job? Move overseas to higher wages? Should he work in the mining industry as fly in, fly out?
Help him save for a deposit.
Be a guarantor for him to buy his first property. Be proactive in helping him become a homeowner with a great income.

That is all you can do... apart from YOU personally (not your husband) leaving your Will unequally and helping him with a house deposit from your own savings. Myself, I would do those two things. I would leave my Will 100% to DS1.

Your second son will inherit from his father too as he is his only child.
That's life. It is lucky for your whole family, really because it means that you can devote more of your hard earned money to helping DS1 get on the property ladder.

The secrecy is the biggest hurdle. I could not have secrets between your boys. Your oldest son should be able to know and be very pleased for his younger brother. He should be able to celebrate his brother's good fortune.
The secracy is what could tear your family apart.

They’re adults, and as such beyond the age where OP is entitled to make decisions on their behalf. Wanting privacy isn’t inherently about shame, and it isn’t ’encouraging secrecy’ to not tell someone something they have no right to know. It’s hardly a good thing to make wanting privacy a source of shame, or paint it as being somehow wrong.

They may be her children, but they’re also individuals in their own right, and may hold very different views to their mother regardless of what she’s tried to instill in them. That’s their right. She, and you, may not agree, but your view isn’t one you have the right to force on anyone else.

@user1492757084 You would really disinherit your second child? Even though both children will inherit from their fathers, you would still cut your youngest child out of your Will? 😳

Genuinely why would you leave your will 100% to only DS1? He's 24, hopefully and presumably OP is not going to die tomorrow. DS1 is unlikely to inherit for another 40ish years. Presumably he'll be on the property ladder by then.

His bio dad might win the lottery between now and then, who the hell knows? But to make an absolute statement to your two children that one is more deserving of what you financially decide to leave them than the other? That's not fair!

That's in now way "splitting a Mars bar between two kids". That's literally a kick in the teeth! Extended family/non relative inheritance is one thing. Your actual mum basically saying "I favour you", is another.

DS1 is not a blood relative - did not recieve a blood relative inheritance. Boo hoo, that's life 🙄

As if family dysfunction isn’t fueled by failing to respect someone’s right to privacy. Her son can absolutely tell his mother she has no right sharing his financial business. Of course she can go ahead and do so anyway, but then she’ll have to prepared to face any fallout that comes her way as a result.

She could find herself shut out from knowing anything significant about her younger son’s life, given that she’ll have proven to him that he can’t trust her. It could also lead to her relationship breaking down, and the sibling relationship being damaged because of her actions. Sure, you can say ‘that shouldn’t happen’, but that hardly means that it can’t and won’t, and it will be OP that has to live with that if it does.

How old are your sons OP? And how do they get on? I really feel for you as this would be extremely hard to navigate.

My father was a wills & estates specialist and saw so many families torn apart by inheritances that he and my mum adopted a policy to always be transparent with what they were planning and why. I am doing the same with my children.

When your sons are adults and the time seems right, I would sit them down and have a frank discussion about it all and explain your reasoning clearly for whatever you decide. Personally, I would also be allocating more to the one who missed out on the two inheritances. And rather than waiting until I died, if at all possible I would try and help him "get on the property ladder" if he's unable to get there himself. You can monitor how things are going and adjust your will as seems appropriate from time to time. Bear in mind that their lives won't be even in all aspects anyway and they may take quite different paths. But balderdash to keeping secrets - they only cause deeper heartache when people find out later.

OPs kids are 18 & 24. Would your father have professionally advised that adults should have their personal finances discussed with other family members without their expressed permission?

You chose to be open about your own finances, which is very different to being open about someone else’s without their permission.

It’s up to OP’s son to tell his brother if he wants to. It’s not for OP to do what she wants in order to make herself feel better, not unless she wants to risk alienating not just her partner and youngest son, but eldest too. It can’t be assumed that he would want to know, or would appreciate being told. He’s already told her the damage that trying to force him onto her in laws has done to him, and that he doesn’t think it was the right thing for her to have done. He could quite possibly consider her telling him to be her yet again doing what is best for her, not him.

Do NOT put any pressure on the younger son. Do not even mention it. It would be unreasonable and potentially drive a wedge between the half-brothers. Your resentment is probably already palpable to them both.

That’s just so shitty of everyone involved. Oh don’t tell the women and we don’t have to worry about it. They could all fuck off.

this happened to me in a slighlty different manner. It bothered my wife more than it bothered me. Not saying that is the case here, but something to think of.

If your younger son has already inherited these two lots of family money, and you want to even things up by leaving your older son your own funds/assets, I would take legal advice and start looking at this now.

If you were to to be diagnosed with dementia, or another health condition requiring care (but not NHS care) in the future, all your funds/assets would be earmarked for this. Once you know you're likely to need care, your options for transferring money or leaving inheritance to people, become very limited. This is due either to the 'deprivation of assets' rule or simply that everything you have bar around £14,000 (need to check that figure), could be spent on care costs.

You might want to work out what you will need for yourself in the future, and if there's any sort of excess, consider gifting it now (within certain tax rules, so also take advice on that).

I don't get why you're so surprised.

You had children with different fathers, how can you expect them to be dealt the same cards in life? Their only common denominator is you.

It's perfectly fair that MIL gives the inheritance to her actual relatives. And is also just as fair that your partner gives to his ie. Biological son.

Why anyone would expect to inherit from a step parent and their family is beyond me.

You sound quite entitled.

Op thought the money would be coming to her via her dh, and she could redistribute it herself after benefitting in other ways when the time comes. It seems her dhs extended family were on to her, and have a very accurate view of her, and she has been bypassed altogether.

Sounds that way!

Thanks to the heads up from other posters, we know OPs posts in multiple threads show a substantial degree of interest in inheritance, and assets that she wants her children's fathers to pass to them. Which is likely to have been noticed. It's been going on quite a while. She even mentions a 'seismic' fallout. This is one of those threads where it would be very enlightening to hear the side of the other people involved.

And honestly OP, this has been going on a decade. Your partner's family clearly don't want to do anything that means your son gets their money. If you struggle after this many years, you're likely to be in a mess every time someone dies and doesn't leave your eldest any money. I can only suggest some form of therapy to come to terms with that. It can't be doing your family life any good.

❤️

I have sympathy with the OP because any kind of unfairness is horrible to deal with and reconcile in your mind. Wills are a grim business and I know of very few wills that have been distributed happily, without some kind of dispute or bad feeling.

However, I have been reading Mumsnet for a long time and it never fails to amaze me how women (and men) take decisions that significantly complicate their lives and then are surprised when their lives end up, well, complicated. In that category I would put having children with more than one partner and partnering up with someone who already has children. Sorry, but the seeds of this were sown a long time ago.

I grew up with resident paternal half brothers. We're all in 50s/60s now. Several times in the last 40 years they have inherited considerably from their maternal family. They also inherited from my grandparents/their step grandparents. That's just the was it is. No one has ever tried to redress the balance. I'm over it- my sister never will be!

Well the only person who can address the inequality here is your son who has inherited. If he feels as you do then he can share with his sibling. If he doesn't, then that's on him isn't it? No use getting upset with the dead about what they choose to do with what you rightfully stress to be their own money. If one of your children ends up with a much better life than the other, then they have every power to 'right the wrong'.

It depends what the inequality is that the older son is upset about.

. Both boys have two parents and families. Both boys will inherit differently thought their lives. To fully address this inequality both boys would need to agree that they put anything. They ever get from their respective families in a pot and split it equally. That would address the material inequality - but the idler bit has also to be prepared to share.

to be honest I would do this for the sexism but not for half and step siblings who aren’t related to the person leaving the money.

id the older boy is upset that these people didn’t consider him family then then his half brother can’t fix that.