One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

You are being a bit hysterical. Blood is thicker than water and it's really none of your business who relatives leave money to. I think with your attitude you are actually likely to make the situation worse with the way you discuss the subject with children.

You've hit the nail on the head here! Op, if you choose to have one child with someone from a wealthy background and one with someone from a poorer background this is the natural result. Two sons from two different families, and you are the common denominator.

But you had two kids to two different men- you made that choice (and I say this as someone with two kids by two very different men). This is as a result of choices you (and their fathers made). It's not down to anyone else.

Yes good point, I see what you mean

Go and get some therapy. These things are actually SFA to do with you and there is nothing you can do about them. Your own older DC has already said you’re embarrassing him about it.

And to be very frank, it doesn’t sound like you want to get over it - it sounds like you are very money oriented and want some form of “justice”. So, I reiterate, go get some therapy.

I’m assuming big lumps of hundreds of thousands- enough to buy a house with - possibly millions depending on where the mean old grandparents had their property.

Where’s the judgement for men who have multiple mothers for their kids?

The sexism on this thread is terrible.

The reality is your first son is not a blood relation of your in laws.

If it were my kids, I would hope my youngest who has inherited would step in and gift some money to their older sibling, especially if a situation arised in which they needed financial help.

Im confident my children have a close enough relationship that they would do this, happily. I would certainly help my brothers if I had inherited and they hadn’t, and they needed help. I guess it depends on the relationship between your two boys.

👀

"am also upset at not being able to have an open and honest conversation about what is happening. I.e. eldest not knowing some significant has happened"

It's not his business. It involves your younger son, not your older.

You're going to have to change your expectations and entitlement regarding your husband's family money.

If it helps, I was the step kid in a family that had a lot of wealth. I never expected anything from my stepmom who had the big money. I paid for my own school and my own car and my own place. I developed self reliance and independence. Your older son probably will too.

Absolutely!
My Dad had two wives- three kids between them-

But a well known millionaire artist has about 14 kids spread between several women-

He too left money to some and not others.

There aren't any fathers with multiple mothers on this thread. This is about the OP and the fallout from having a blended family.

@EWAB - this is a problem only in your head. Your eldest already seemed to indicate you should pull back, judging by pervious posts. He isn't bothered so you shouldn't be. There's no unfairness on anyone's part. Life works out that way sometimes. The way to come to terms with your feelings is to acknowledge they are just that - your feelings. They don't alter anything, so moving on from them is your best move.

It’s not the dads here complaint about their children getting different amounts based on their mums families deaths. It’s a women complaining.

Send us a man moaning and we will tell
him the same.

"The thread is wanting to know how to come to terms with the difference in life chances."

There is the old cliche of the Serenity Prayer (there are various versions):

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You first have to accept (I believe from what you've said) that this is something that you cannot change. One son has inherited an awful lot more money than the other son likely ever will.

Some posters have said that you should give more money to one child than the other in your will. Yet, others have warned against doing this as children very often do associate the amount left by their parents as a measure of how much they were loved.

I certainly don't have an answer for how to come to terms with something like this. I am going to suggest something that I have never ever said before, either online or IRL; perhaps you need to speak to a professional therapist about this?

Someone who can help you develop coping strategies to deal with your feelings? Mumsnet really is not the place for that.
.

"I am also upset at not being able to have an open and honest conversation about what is happening. I.e. eldest not knowing some significant has happened."

Why is it that you feel that you cannot to your eldest child about what has just happened? Also, why do you feel that you in any way should speak to your eldest child about this? Perhaps a therapist could help you answer these questions?
.

"That DP’s brother and nephew have not told their daughters /sisters shocks me."

I am making a very big assumption here about your DP's ethnicity.

It does not shock me at all if I am correct about the ethnicity.

What would happen if the daughters/sisters found out? Would they be able to change anything in any meaningful way?

Personally, I might well be tempted to say something, but there again, I'm not related to any of these people so any family fallout (which there inevitably would be) would be no concern of mine.

It's a difficult decision to make as to whether you say anything or not. I certainly don't have an answer.

Yes of course- I will be open and explain to my children and make sure they understand. I am sure they will. They will be equal in all other ways .

i have thought long and hard about it…. I can’t see any other way. I don’t want one child to be loaded and the other 2 to not even be able to afford a deposit on a house. Their relationship with each other will suffer if that happens.

It happened to me in my family. However I don't feel bad as 1 half brother ended up with more than me via illegal means and the other I'll make alright when our mother dies.

Various sources say he may have 30 kids via different women ( a relative knew one of the partners).

Unfortunately the judgement for women is always worse.

Don't keep secrets, first of all. It will damage your relationship with your eldest child. It is not up to your dp how you manage your relationship your eldest.

Be fully honest about the money and where it came from. It is what it is. Both of your sons will need to come to terms with this. Not allowing anyone to talk about a vast difference in wealth will only breed bitterness and resentment.

Also, forgot to add, my DF went on to marry and have 2 children with a lady from a very wealthy family who is an only child herself. My DF is also quite wealthy.

I imagine that whenever the time comes that my half siblings grandparents and parents pass away, they will end up with considerably more wealth than me and my full brother due to their mothers side of the family.

It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It has never occurred to me to even think about this (until now!). I earn well and don’t need any inheritance. Perhaps you are doing your eldest a disservice by assuming he will be bothered?

Would it not if possible be better too help the two needing deposit type help while alive,
still letting their sibling know and then leaving the will equally split?

Obviously not possible if all the money is tied up in your home.

I agree with your partner that you should not give more in your will to your eldest. Despite what money they both come into in life, this sends a clear message of how YOU value your children and they should be treated equally in my opinion. With the exception of any fallouts or questionable behaviour etc.

This is what can happen when the children in a family have different fathers /mothers?? There’s absolutely nothing you can or should do about it. It’s not anyone’s fault and it isn’t a situation that needs to be fixed.

There isn't anything to come to terms with. The problem is in the way you are framing this in your mind. Your youngest being given an advantage doesn't disadvantage your eldest. They are not rivals. They are not in competition with each other. What would be unfair is you, their mother, changing your will to leave your eldest more money than the youngest. Your youngest has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be treated lesser by either of his parents.

The people who are actually being disadvantaged here are the nieces. What a disgusting choice that was.

The whole idea of it remaining secret is puzzling to me.

if my brother was able to buy property with ease and didn’t seem to have a vastly different job to me for example I would probably be wracked with feelings of failure, whereas if I understood they had inherited the means then I would understand that it wasn’t my failure to launch or lack of budgeting and saving etc etc .