One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

All you can do is model to your eldest son that this is the way it is, accept it and get on with your life, not making a big deal of it.
If you need to get some therapy to help you do that I think you should.
Making a big deal of it will signal to your eldest son that this is catastrophic for his future. Who knows what his financial future will be: he may have a lucrative career etc.

Of course you want your two children, whom you love equally and want to support equally, to have the same chances in life.
But they don't, in this case because they have different fathers with different backgrounds and different family values.
There could have been other circumstances that meant one had more choices than the other. For example if one was disabled and the other not, or if one had undergone some trauma that the other had not.
Perhaps it would help to look at it like this: your elder son will not have the financial advantages that his brother has, but he has much else to give him a good start in life, including your unconditional love.
Life isn't fair, and sometimes the most peaceful way to live with that is simply accept it.

I understand that you are upset abiut the disparity, but your elder son has a family via his actual dad who he may/may not inherit from.

Your partners family are not blood related to your child from a previous relationship and therefore have no obligation to consider him.

I also agree with your partner than your will should be split 50/50 between your 2 children. That said he is not forced to do the same and could leave 100% to your shared child.

With the greatest of respect you need to get over it.

CharityShopChic

I very much couldn’t have predicted it. DP’s family weren’t wealthy. The bulk of MiLs will was a house but it was in London. Her sister and cousins went to Wolverhampton, and Birmingham, lovely houses but worth about a quarter of in-laws.

I feel sorry for you, it’s not right but your children have vastly different fathers clearly.

coming to terms with it, conversations could be had with both kids about sharing fairly?
money doesn’t always buy happiness though!

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

Our children have had very different lives. DSS went to private school, had multiple foreign holidays a year for example, and will inherit at least two properties (or the proceeds of). DH and mine two children were to the local schools and any inheritance from grandparents if there is any after care proceeds etc (an estate worth far less) will be split between them and 6 cousins.

We have accepted that and whilst our wills reflect that DH had 3 biological children and I have 2, they don't and never could make up for the financial differences.

You didn’t want your DH to adopt your elder child because you didn’t want to risk any inheritance from his biological father. Do you realise how utterly hypocritical you sound now the shoe is on the other foot and he is, to your mind, losing out?
Oh and don’t suggest or put pressure on your younger DC to share either.

My partner has told me I can’t tell my elder son about what has happened as it’s younger one’s business.

The nephew has told his dad but not his sisters.

DP and his brother aren’t telling their other brother.

Yes you can believe two different things at once, its a normal human thing

Personally I think she is money obsessed and a drama queen, all this talk of being in a lot of pain

Her children are presumably loved, valued, settled, seemingly have lives, jobs, somewhere to live, clean, warm and healthy

Whats the pain for?

So your older child is likely to inherit from his dad and from you? Thats a lot more than most people. Do you expect your ex to include your younger child in his will?

That was my thoughts she plotting to take from one and give to her oldest. If that happens then that's divorce over money. Some people feel entitled to more and are never satisfied. Her ex should have adopted his wife's child but the op was worried about money.

I can see why this would cause you pain OP. You said the second inheritance was directed to only the male descendants. Are there female relatives who have been left out? It might help your eldest son a bit to know he wasn’t alone.

In your shoes I would try and create a trust fund now for your elder son. If you can build something that is for him alone, that might in some small way compensate for what has happened.

What do you mean its not right, what isnt right?

From another of your threads:

“My eldest son believes that the sister-in-law's approach is much healthier and my approach just led him to being embarrassed all the time and ultimately disappointed. He feels that from day one if he had called the family by their names and not included it would all have been more honest. He feels his father was never mentioned whereas sister-in-law's ex comes in to chat (father of the youngest nephew elder one's father died). He believes the nephews' confidence stems from knowing what is what from day one. My partner agrees with him and said that I was neurotic wanting to create this ideal 'pretend' family.”

Your eldest son has said to you that your approach has hurt him, yet you’re persisting on what you think ‘should’ have been/be done.

Your emotions are out of sync with what you rationally know to be true, and you’re paying lip service by saying you know he isn’t their relative and has no right to inherit. In reality, you think you and he have been wronged. You feel how you feel, but while emotions are natural, they aren’t always ‘right’, and it can be unwise to validate ones that have only caused, and will only cause, negative repercussions in your life and those of your loved ones.

Challenge yourself on why exactly you feel as you do, be honest about what you did expect from them, and consider why you expected it. Work on accepting that life isn’t fair, and that ‘fairness’ isn’t something life owes us. Work on accepting what you cannot control, and stop allowing your hurt and bitterness over this to define your life and relationships.

Why are you being so dramatic about all this?

Your DH is protecting his child from any grief he may get from his older step-brother, now or down the line. Isn't that normal?

What concern is it of your what your BILs and their children do?

It sounds like you're looking for things to get het up about....and then complain you're in a lot of pain. Just don't do it! Go for a walk! Cook dinner! Do you hobby! Do a 5k run! Stop winding yourself up about all this, it's so destructive.

1. It's fairy common knowledge that houses in London are of higher value than anywhere else in the country. So you might have predicted it.
2. What have your partner's mother's sisters and their property got to do with anything?

accept that your children have different fathers. Accept it. They're equal to you as you are the common parent. They're not equal to each other, or to anyone else. This is a fact.

As the eldest child in a blended family this is really upsetting to read. It may be factual but thank god my mum and step dad have brought me up to be equal to my brother and sister. My mum had me when she was 16. She split up from my dad when she was 17. She met my step dad when I was 18 months old. My step dad is my dad to me. I haven't seen my biological dad since I was 7 years old -when he decided to have me for a week with his new family to see how I'd fit in. Clearly I didn't because I never saw him again.

The only person in my life who has made me feel like I wasn't part of my step family was my step dad's mum who had a hierarchy of grandchildren, even the biological ones. She had a photo wall where her eldest son's children were at the top, second eldest next and then my dad's at the bottom, fewer pictures as the levels dropped. I wasn't even on there.

My dad is a grumpy bastard but any inheritance is equal. I know this because his own mum's will was very unequal... there was a hierarchy with her children too: eldest got the money - no one knows how much, middle son got the house (which he actually owned anyway as he had bought it from the council for them) and my dad got the contents which mostly needed to be house cleared. The brothers are really close but this tested them. My dad declared he'd never do the same to his own family, blended or not.

Not all step families are the same.

Even if you couldn't have predicted the inheritance stuff, you could have predicted that issues of "fairness" arise when you have two children with two different men, creating this sort of set-up where one child is related to people who the other child is not related to.

Have you misunderstood the situation in some way

The eldest son is NOT RELATED to these people, what do you mean 'help to know he isnt alone'

Guess what, I didnt inherit from these people either, can we wallow together about that?

Your eldest son will inherit from you and his dad. Why should he inherit from a family he isn't related to when he has his dad's side of the family? How old was your eldest son when your youngest was born?

A lot of people don't leave anything to people who aren't blood relatives. You may do what you like with any money you have. What you can't do is contol how other people allocate their money.

Your partner is right. It isn't your business to tell.
It's understandable that you feel disappointed for your eldest, but you're needlessly catastrophising.

What a great opportunity for your son.
he will I’m sure understand that he is fortunate.
and lucky that his family have the means to gift him money in their legacy.

I would think that he will totally understand when you own legacy is skewed towards his sibling.

but he shouldn’t feel guilty about the imbalance.
why would your partners family gift money outside of their actual blood family?
and I think you shouldn’t think too deeply into it. Surely it’s not a surprise. Why would they leave money to a child that isn’t theirs.

don’t put a wedge between the brothers
dont try and encourage someone to do “the right thing” etc etc

It is the younger ones business, and it would be wrong of you to share his financial circumstances with his brother. He’s an adult, if he wants to he will. It doesn’t seem like he has any intention of sharing with his brother, and nor should he be expected to. He isn’t responsible for his brother, his brother hasn’t been wronged by not getting an inheritance from people he wasn’t related to, and your youngest isn’t obliged to put his brother on an equal financial footing. Putting that on him could very easily damage your relationship not only with him, but also with your partner. It could also easily lead to resentment towards his brother - it isn’t just the case that it’s not sharing that can lead to the breakdown of the sibling relationship.