Would you stop your child going on this trip?

[Rivett]

DS16 is going to a city about 120 miles away from where we live. It’s for his friends birthday and they going with his Mum who will be driving. They are driving halfway today and staying with family tonight then will continue on to the big city tomorrow and will return on Sunday.

The drive is mainly on the motorway and A-roads but I’m not keen on DS going due to the weather conditions. They’re setting off about tea time today.

I’ve told DS I’m not happy about it but of course he wants to go and doesn’t see the problem. I could say he’s not going but I feel bad for my DS as he’ll be mortified and embarrassed. The Mam doesn’t work (they’re well off) and I know the family member who they’re staying with doesn’t work weekends and there is nothing booked, though they have got an activity in mind.

It’s an unnecessary and pointless journey in such shit weather that I think it’s irresponsible of the mother to not change it to next week or the week after. The son gets his own way all the time so there is no way he’ll agree to swapping it for safety
and that’s why the mam won’t suggest it.

I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. You hear so many horror stories about crashes that I won’t be able to settle all weekend.

The more I think about it the more I want to say sorry but not this week.

WWYD?

In fairness 16 is still a child so op has the right to say no. However, it would be silly in this situation as this is her anxiety talking imo. The main roads are clear right now.

But why would you? It's hardly an extreme undertaking. Do you keep your teens home wrapped in cotton wool so that nothing could possibly happen to them?

I think YABU to say no but YANBU to be worried. It’s hard being a parent of an older teen (I also have one) because you need to let them do all sorts of things and become independent when ideally you want to keep them safe with you all the time.

It’s important to let him do things though. This is a very small risk and he will miss out on lots of fun if you say no. He’s nearly an adult.

@Mindedmy my son is now driving, so I have that mum worry. When we were talking about driving this week with the various weather warnings in place, we didn't just talk about his driving we talked about the impact on others. So with the local main road where hundreds were stranded for many hours, many rescue organisations had to be deployed to help these people. Would it not have been better for most of those drivers not to be there. If they had heeded the weather warnings and stayed at home if they could, it would have made lives easier for other people. Some of the motorists were interviewed, they didn't work in life and death jobs, they had been going out for a drive to some scenic tourist area and thought they could beat the weather warning! So I would not be encouraging my son to see it as an adventure but I would be asking him to think about would it be a risk for him, but also for others.

It's not a pointless trip if it's to celebrate a birthday. The point is to celebrate the occasion together in the way they want.

They're travelling with an adult, presumably experienced, driver and going on main roads. They're not even doing the full trip in one go if they're stopping en route, and 120 miles wouldn't even be that big a trip to do in one go.

What specific weather is concerning you? It's cold, but not dangerous to travel in a warm car. There's some frost and ice, but main roads will be gritted and mostly clear of ice due to the amount of use they'll get. Unless there are specific weather warnings covering the route, it's hard to see why a competent driver can't manage fairly short trips on reasonably well-maintained roads.

Make sure he's got his phone and a portable charger, get him to put on location sharing for the trip if you need that, and tell him to text you when he arrives at his destination. If need be, tell the mum driving that you're feeling anxious and ask her to let you know when they arrive where they're going.

I think that you need to have support to manage anxiety, I mean this kindly as this journey is fine and your anxiety will rub off on him.

Yes it's cold but there are no weather warnings. It's just a 2 hour drive and they aren't even doing it in one go.

He'll have a lovely time. Perhaps ask him to allow you to track him via findmyphone/life360. You'll only have to one hour at a time. Or relax with a glass of wine :-)

YABU, if she’s rich she’ll have a safe car.

One of our jobs as parents is to gradually give them age-appropriate freedom and age-appropriate experiences (including age-appropriate risk). It’s a really hard job, as our instinct can be to ‘keep them safe at all costs’ - but however much our children are our world, we fail them if we let our fears deny them preparation for independence.

Thanks guys, I actually feel much better now after your replies. DS is away on the trip and of course I’m not loving it, as it’s not been above zero here for days (-6.5 yesterday when I got in to the car) but I agree I’ll have more challenges when he’s older. I’m thankful the Mams driving and not the son! That will be next years worry no doubt 😕 😂

No. You use your brain. You have entirely missed the point. The poster was saying if something happened to your child and you had prevented that child from living a fulfilling enjoyable life because of your own anxiety, you would probably feel pretty bad about that.

I also feel extremely anxious about things like this, but try very hard to overcome my fears and let my children go on trips. I’d rather wrap them up and never let them go anywhere. I know it’s not healthy & I try hard to not them know how I feel.
You’re not alone, op. I hope you manage to get help for your anxiety.

It's going to be nerve-wracking, of course it is. But yes, I feel you're wise to let him go, under the circumstances. You're all to well aware that nothing in life is without risk, but you've made a very sensible assessment. Hope he has a great time.

Good for you!

Your idea of "caring" is extremely skewed from the norm by your anxiety.

This has been and gone… move on now