My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

The only thing that emerges from these threads is a disdain for women's labour whether that's in the home or a more formal workplace.

How old is your mother for her to experience being a 1950s housewife?

my granny (who would have turned 100 this year) was married in 1947 so would have been a 1950s housewife. Except she wasn’t.

she had to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet so it definitely wasn’t a given households did just fine on one salary

There’s a giant variation between SAHMs though. Fair enough if someone is musical, bilingual, endlessly patient and absolutely dedicated to making sure their child has the best start in life. Most people are nothing like that and children of SAHMs don’t necessarily turn out better than those who go to childcare. Often the opposite- they see their mum working hard in a good career and it motivates them to do well. And someone who doesn’t enjoy being a SAHM is going to be miserable and that will rub off on the kids.

Staying at home with your child can be a positive choice that some people make. I enjoy my work but I wish I could be at home more with my children and that society valued parents who choose to look after their children.

Everyone should have a choice.

I don't get the feeling it's just that she disagrees with her. It's more the element of judgement that it sounds like is behind her mum's comments, that OP is choosing frivolous luxuries over her child.

And in the 1950s women often had no agency or control over their life, marital rape was legal, divorce was difficult to access, and many women were unhappy. Is that what she wants for her daughter?

It's tough because things have changed so much that anyone who isn't dealing with it now has a hazy idea of how things add up.

My parents are shocked and concerned any time I refer to dropping my son off at 8am or picking him up at 5:50pm. Every time, they do the maths and are horrified that it comes to nearly 10 hours. But at the same time they would be equally horrified if I didn't work, and they know how long a working day is... it's as if the reality just doesn't filter through until they are confronted with it, and then it fades and they are surprised again next time.

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.

Ha! You’ve never met my FIL. He’s an the end of his life (he’s old and has terminal cancer) and actually his days are filled with regret about properties he didn’t buy, millions he didn’t make, investments he should have done. Quite tiring to listen to but nothing in there about wishing he’d spent more time with family 😂

Also it’s only middle class or rich people who say that sort of shit about money being irrelevant. It’s only irrelevant because they have it. Ask someone who can’t afford to feed their kids properly whether money and a nice house matter and they will say yes they fucking do.

1. For every year out of work (on average), a woman's wage drops by 10%. This is specifically related to childcare/maternity leave. It's no surprise that the sex wage gap shows up after people have kids as the women is usually the one who is penalised/downshifting goes part time. Your husband has no guilt in maintaining his career and financial health; why should you?
2. Don't work from your parents house. If you are in therapy due to them, you need to enforce some space & boundaries.
3. London is expensive, but the trade-off (from what you say) is worth it. Good transport links, job opportunities and schools. You could move, but the invisible burden (lack of friends/family/built environment issues)would increase.
4. Keep going. The nursery stage does not last forever. Having a job of your own builds your family's resilience if anything ever happens to your husband. That's a good thing.

Ask her how she expects you to eat and keep a roof over your head if you don't work.

And when she says the inevitable, you say "relying on a man is the wrong answer, try again".

Too many people think that mothers only work for the luxuries. That is way off the mark but even if we were, why is that wrong? Why can't we have kids AND luxuries?

Yes I’m sure drug dealers houses are never raided in London………. Plus I can be in any of 4 major UK cities in just over half an hour if I need more as you describe interest; where people still behave a lot better than most I have come across in London……a boy has literally just been stabbed on a bus a few days ago there, it’s nearly a daily occurrence there so how can any child be safe?

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children

You can't say that, people are all different and have different wants and needs in life.

I couldn't disagree more with this comment. Staying at home with your child in 2024 (or indeed in 2025) is a sign that you've made a choice that works for you and your family. There is nothing intrinsically superior about being a person who gets more reward out of paid labour than spending all their time with young DC. I have many intelligent, ambitious, personable friends who chose to take career breaks to raise DC. And I say this as someone who does have a rewarding job and didn't go the SAHM route.

You could just as easily say, having to go to work in 2025 to get your fulfilment is just a sign that you've been unable to find or make sufficiently interesting and rewarding experiences at home or in your community, how sad for you.

OP, you shouldn't feel bad about being a working mother. Many people were, even in the 50s. As a family you prioritise what is right for you. In my own case, that meant both working 3/4 days a week.

Not RTFT but absolutely this:

“WannabeMathematician · Today 10:18

I like working. I also hate the idea that I was told I could be anything but now I have kid all I should want is to be a SAHM. I’m not cut out for it. Just like it stupid to tell every little girl to want to be a doctor it’s stupid to think every woman with children should be at home with them.”

Actually, I’m well into middle age and my mum worked in paid employment as did my friends’ mothers and as did both my grandmothers. And why is it you who should stay home? Why not your DH?

This. She’s envious.

It does make you wonder. But I think there are a lot of people out there who don't want their offspring to have it better than they did. MIL was a bit like that. But I also think she was frustrated with the hand life had dealt her and could probably see that if she had been 30 years younger life would have been much easier.

"Money driven"?

The only people who have the option to just stay home with their kids are the ones who have the opportunity and are happy to let someone else pay for everything. Usually a man.

I don't imagine you are criticising your husband for being "money driven" because he has a job, so please don't criticise other women for having a job.

That was what she wanted to do, you don’t, and that’s ok

Commiserations on having a mother who doesn't value you for you, whose love is a little bit conditional on you being the version of you that she wants/needs. Validating her choices by criticising yours is just a bit shit.
She's also sadly deluded about the salary thing for vast chunks of the country

Thank you! <3

I think that either choice is a choice for the parents ALONE and she should butt out.

It's a topic that brings up very strong emotions, and is typically connected to one's own experience.

If she was a SAHM, she might take it as a personal criticism that you don't think that's the best way of doing things.

I'm in the opposite situation where my mum prioritised her career, worked 6 days a week, all hours of the day, while I was cared by a combination of relatives, friends and paid childcare. She doesn't understand why I am not doing the same.