My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

[Sevendayhigher]

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

How dismissive of parents who actually just want to spend time with their children!

I know women who left high paying/well established careers to be stay at home mums because they believe it is in their child’s best interest. Just because you don’t know any doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Nah she just chose differently herself and believes she would have regretted what dd is doing. All of which is perfectly normal for a mum to say to her child. It’s also fine for dd to be sad they’re not in agreement and carry on doing as she sees fit.

My mum and I disagree on lots of things.

I agree. Pp probably is incapable of seeing what fulfils and interests others beyond career or paycheck though so there’s little point in engaging.

I voted YABU as this just sounds like you had an ordinary conversation. I don't read anything judgemental in your mum's responses, but perhaps it came across in her tone. You work from your parents house and YOU started a conversation with her about how hard it was being a parent and how most households now need two incomes. Your mum has a different point of view. If you don't want to hear her point of view, don't start this type of conversation!

My relationship with my children has been ongoing for the last 35 years and with luck has another 30 odd to go. There is no way on my deathbed I'll be looking back over 6 decades of mutual love and care and shared experiences and be lamenting a handful of years when I spent time at work when I could have been cooking lunch and watching Peppa Pig. Outsourcing some day care so you can work, either from desire or necessity is neither here nor there in terms of the big parenting picture.

Your career was obviously high flying as was your lifestyle of new cars, fancy dinners etc. Most people can't afford those things even as a two income family. You must have had substantial savings put by or your DH was a really high earner to be able to stay at home with your children.

The majority of families with children where both parents are working are doing this to put food on the table and pay the mortgage and bills. How often do we read posts on here where the OP is a fairly high earner but feels unable to leave her abusive DH as she wouldn't be able to afford the mortage, bills etc on her own?

I think that you are commenting from your ivory castle.

What I found interesting was that my parents really pushed me academically when I was young, expected great things from me. However they also held the traditional view that women should be at home with the children. So how does that work?
Anyway as for you OP I think your mum is mean to spout off like that. And does she really want you moving away so she won't see you? It's not even as if it's a childcare issue for them as you use nursery.

I know someone who gave up everything and was the most ridiculously devoted SAHM to her son. She literally organised her life around him. He’s an adult now, rarely makes time to see her because he’s a selfish arse and didn’t invite her to his wedding because it was in vegas with mates.

Kids won’t necessarily be grateful and it doesn’t necessarily mean you will have a close bond.

If your son is unwell, why did he go to nursery?

Totally agree! My husband gets funny looks when he declines overtime at work after a 45 hour week. It’s assumed men will prioritise money > family (even if they have enough money to be comfortable) but women need to prioritise time with family even if it means a worse standard of living.

Working parents don’t spend 100% of their time at work, it isn’t either/or. If I didn’t work, my kids would get an extra 12 hours a week with me but they’d miss out on all the things my salary pays for - a house with a garden/big enough for a room each, trips out, swimming lessons, drama lessons, pets, holidays.

I wonder if all the people saying ‘you never get this time back’ homeschool their kids because they spend 30 hours a week at school instead of ‘making memories’ with their parents…

I agree in that she has her valid reasons, is justifying her decisions and maybe deep down a little jealous of her amazing daughter doing things she couldn't fathom.

She's witnessed a difficult morning (yay) and commented on that - she won't say well done for the 99% of normal drop offs as that would be odd
But you need to work on you - are you sure you're happy with your decisions and if so then smile and thank her for her comments but then say I need to pop off and work now.

It sounds like you need her tot support you - and good luck with that - 3 lots of therapy and 20 years of having conversations and it's still in-fathomable to my mum to say what I need and I'd say my daughter would say the same about our relationship.

Her views are valid as our yours - I was a sahm Mum as my Mum pulled me to shreds over my decisions and I wish I had the guts to say no - when I did I was told
I was cold / hard etc - it's a complex relationship but believe in you and your power to make good decisions for your family

How old is your mum? My mum married in the 50s and had me in the early 60s, and while she didn't go back to work until I started school, she always worked. Your mum's views seem off even by 50s/60s standards.

OP, some people just need other people to make the same choices they did and to want and like the same things that they did, and they seem to take it very personally when others don't. I'm getting the impression that 50 years ago plus, the culture here tended to be that men were expected to (and themselves were prepared to) financially support the women in the family. This is absolutely not the case today. Today, women in relationships who choose not to work outside the home (unless they have trusts/savings and or property) are taking a massive risk, we see this day in, day out on here. We all have to do the best for ourselves and our families in the time and place and circumstances we live in.

Do you mean your Mum was born in the 1950s rather than was a parent then?

I haven't read the full thread yet, but I think there can be some misconceptions between the generations. I don't have a car or phone on finance (both are second hand), I buy clothes from charity shops. My parents and their friends are much more unwilling to buy second hand for some reason, especially when it comes to clothes. They also go on more expensive holidays than I do. I'm sure there are lots of young people who do have cars, phones etc on finance, but I'm not convinced that the younger generations are any more extravagant than the older generation. I think there are just more options available to all generations than there used to be, more things to spend money on - but that doesn't mean the younger generations are any less able to manage their money responsibly.

Thanks for asking :) Just to clarify because a couple of people have asked me why I've sent my son in unwell to nursery - he's teething, he has three coming through at once. I wish I'd just said that in the first place and unfortunately I can't edit the original post to clarify. He's not caught an illness, he's just miserable and teethes for weeks on end (has done since three months old). Unfortunately I have only a few days holiday left from extending my maternity leave and if I took a day off every time he was teething I'd be out of a job anyway!

Why is your mother talking about the 1950s?

The only correct response is 'okay boomer.'

My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had'

Oh this did make me laugh. How funny (and out of touch).

But what do the 50s have to do with anything. I assume your mum was born in the 50s/60s, so that's the very beginnings of her childhood. I presume you were born 80s/90s. People did have 'luxuries' then. We went on a long-haul holiday once a year and skiing and had a game console and SKY TV. My mum was a SAHM. There's no way that life could exist on a single income now – my parents bought their house for £34k in 1983 (a town 40min commute to central London) and my dad earned £50k a year.

Regardless – you don't stop mattering just because you have a child. Your child matters more, but your happiness and wellbeing don't matter less. My DH is a high earner and could easily keep us all, but I absolutely love working and love my job. I still work 5 days a week and am very happy doing so. I also like holidays and buying things! Anyone else's input is not relevant.

It's somewhat off the thread, but poor little lad - no wonder he's feeling poorly and miserable. My wisdom teeth came through between 17-20 (it's teething as well, even if we don't think of it in the same way) and I still had to get to get on with things. I just swallowed my painkillers, saw the dentist and cracked on. So I get what you mean.

But your argument relies on the fact that families can't make ends meet - and that's not the point of this discussion. OP asked whether working even when you don't 'have' to was reasonable or not. If you must work to put food on the table then obviously it's not a question. The question is whether making some uncomfortable but possible sacrifices to be able to not work are reasonable.

Thank you for being so understanding <3 I feel so sorry for him and wish I could stay home with him to help him but as you know, it's weeks and weeks of pain... fingers crossed those teeth cut through soon! x

What about long-term effects of making this sacrifice? You give up work as you think you don't need to work. Then you are 5 years down the line having minimised your pension pot and stalled your career prospects. Then your spouse falls ill or dies or leaves you. Just one of many things that can happen in life.
Or you float through life working part time and end up in poverty as a pensioner.
Not to mention that kids might actually benefit more from having access to activities and travel which extra income brings rather than "time at home with mum". Nice though as it may be.

“SerenityNowSerenityNow · Today 13:09

Childhood is short and the benefits associated with giving your child / children time will far outweigh the kudos of a nice house car or holiday or career you can always revive after the hard slog of mothering.
Nobody ever tells men they are working for luxuries do they? Why are working dad's providing for their families but working mums doing it for holidays and nice cars??
Also, not all careers can be 'revived' after a significant break.”

Totally this. I think SAHMs and WOHMs bring different but equally valuable things to the table but it’s really interesting how some some (not all!) SAHMs seem to regard WOHMs as somehow playing at work, as doing it for pin money and treats, as if they cannot truly comprehend a world where women act as fully-functioning and responsible adults in the workplace, earning a living to support themselves and their families. It’s such a sexist viewpoint. And actually most working parents spend a great deal of time with their DCs, just not during the working day.

I think SAHMs who hold such views of WOHMs probably don’t take themselves as seriously as they should.

I think we should avoid to generalise. I believe few SAHM believe that WOHM are working for pin money.

i gave up a brilliant career (and a lot of money) to be a SAHM for my children when they were small (up to end primary school). I believe having me at home was hugely beneficial for them in supporting them emotionally and practically. This is why SAHM are home - at least the ones I know.

i have now restarted my career and am probably a decade behind where I would have been. But I am doing well, making good money and my children are really supportive of me.

sometimes you make different choices during different times. And different choices are right for different parents.