Grandparents and baby names

[garciacherry]

My parents are constantly pressuring us to tell them what we are thinking of naming our unborn child, and saying we should use X Y Z names, that it has to be a strong name, giving opinions on names they think are awful (some of which we like!), etc.

Whenever they suggest a specific name, it makes us want to strike it off our list, as I don't want my parents to think they have named our child and them grow up being told that grandma/ grandad gave them their name.

Is this petty? AIBU to tell them that we will choose a name and announce it when our child is born, and that they need to stop all discussion about names?

‘Thanks, but we’ll decide between us’

Change subject.

The problem is I don't want them to even suggest a name/ bring up the topic.

The other day my mum suggested a name which was actually on our list, but now we've crossed it off, because if we use it, she will think it was her choice (it wasn't, it was already there).

I don't want that to happen again because we've got a limited number of names we actually like!

Ask them to stop it. It's none of their business.

Tell them a false name to piss them off and keep them busy till the baby arrives.

Let them get worked up about it. Then when you do announce your baby's name they'll be so relieved it will all go away.

My sibling has this exact issue with my parent actually. Parent is adamant that they essentially ‘named’ all but one of siblings children, because they so happened to suggest names sibling eventually chose. Now maybe those names wouldn’t have been thought of without parents suggestion, but perhaps they would, but that doesn’t stop parent mentioning it regularly!! Enough so that I was adamant when having my first child, and this time around with my second, that I wouldn’t be discussing names or taking any suggestions at all!

Like the first PP but slightly different "we've already chosen a name ourselves. We'll tell everyone when they arrive"

@AlwaysFreezing We did wonder about that, but I think part of the 'getting all worked up about it' would be them suggesting a thousand alternative names. I just don't want to hear any of it tbh.

I would tell them you have decided on a name, but will not be sharing it until the birth.

My Mil tried this went on and on that none of the granddaughters had her middle name as a name and I finally asked so Mil what is your middle name and she told me Carol I looked at her and told her straight Mil that name will not be used for this granddaughter either she never mentioned it again
just stick to your guns
but I think people will always ask if and what names you have picked

I hated it too @garciacherry so I completely get what you mean! My MIL was batshit and went round telling people she was going to be a gran and that we were having a little girl and what her name was 🫠 When in reality we hadn’t given any possible names and we hadn’t found out the sex 🙄

She also used to send me list upon list of names that she liked/didn’t like - always during the night so I’d wake up to the list and have the rage all over again 😂

It all definitely tainted mine and MILs relationship if I’m honest! We had been fine for 10 years prior to that but she just way overstepped all the time during pregnancy.

We had a perfect little boy and she suddenly lost all interest because it wasn’t the “curly, red-headed granddaughter” she’d always imagined 🙄 A few months after he was born she asked if we’d be trying again quite soon for a girl as if we had had some kind of disappointing result 🙈

Yeah definitely talk to them about it. It’s none of their business. It sounds like they don’t trust your judgement on choosing a “sensible” name. I don’t think it’s rude to explain (nicely) that you don’t need or want their input on this and that you’ll let them know the name once baby is born and don’t want to talk about it with them anymore.

Are they weird/controlling about other things or just this? Is this their first grandchild or do they have other grandchildren with names they deem as unsuitable?! If they’re very persistent it might be worth asking why/exploring their concerns, not because you need their input, but just because they’re more likely to shut up if they feel heard. This doesn’t need to involve any name based suggestions though, just an understanding of where this is all coming from. If they’re just getting over excited and don’t have any actual concerns then that’s very sweet, but gently remind them whose baby it is.

I think you just have to ignore it. I'd just say 'we are going to wait and see what the baby looks like' and change the subject.

@PiastriThePastry Ugh, yes, this is exactly what I'm worried about! Very sensible response from you though - has it worked? I think my mum would probably still keep making suggestions anyway.

@Pumpkinseason3 That sounds horrendous! My mum is similar about girls. She would still love a grandson, but she is definitely obsessed with cute little girls and putting them in little dresses - she calls my husband's niece a 'dolly' (yuck!)

@Cosmos24 I think you're right that they don't trust my judgement, my mum doesn't really see me as an adult despite that I'm in my mid-30s.
It is their first grandchild so they are also super excited which I do get and I'm so glad they are here and involved. But yes, my mum is being weird/ controlling about several things to do with the pregnancy, the name is just one of them tbh, but it's the one that is bothering me and my husband the most.

@YSianiFlewog I think that might be what we have to do (even though we haven't decided - and they will definitely pressure us to tell them!)

For the most part, yes @garciacherry although I do definitely think she’s inclined to go on a bit more this time around than last time, but perhaps that’s because I haven’t been quite as firm in my ‘we have a name, we don’t need any more suggestions shush now’ stance! With someone who can be inclined to overstep, it’s nearly always best, I find, to agree clear boundaries between you and DH early on and hold that line without exception. Best of luck, and congratulations!

The problem is if I ignore it, they will keep suggesting names anyway.

If I say 'we're going to wait and see what the baby looks like', they will just carry on with 'how about X name? or Y, that's a really nice name. Definitely don't use Z, though' - and then that's 3 more names I know their opinions on.

I just don't want to know their opinions in the first place really!

I know it needs a firm conversation to tell them to stop bringing it up. Just wasn't sure if I was being a bit mean!

We had something similar. At first we told them names we were suggesting and found out they’d told other people outside the family. We then told them (with our first) the name we were thinking of (and ultimately did use) only to be told ‘no, that’s terrible - use this’. At that point we shut down all name discussions and said we wouldn’t be saying. Second time around we didn’t mention any names at all and I think they knew where the boundaries were.

Does it really matter if they think they named them? Or are you fixating on something relatively minor because of other issues that are actually important?

My IL heavily hinted (phone calls from abroad etc) that our baby should have his first name used as a first name. We ignored and only did a family name for the middle name (my dead grandad). He was upset after he was born and this time has explicitly said his name should at least be middle name this time. It has made me 100% not want to use it and I felt so petty too. But I spoke to a friend who said she experienced the same but gave in and it makes her cross every time she has to write her child's full name and he's 10! My point being, no you're not being petty!

I just can’t believe you’d cross off a name you like just because of this!

I think claiming ownership of a huge life decision, a name, is quite big, you spend 9 months thinking about it and may have other reasons for using a name that you'd like to share with your child one day. I wouldn't want someone going around telling my extended family that they had named my child.

My dad suggested a name for my cousin's little boy which he did go on to use.

The child is now 9, and my dad regularly brings it up to this day how he named him. Like almost every time we see him.

This is going to be our only child, and we want to name them ourselves.

I see a name as something really special and important, and I want us to be the ones to give that to our child.

Just agree with one of the suggestions she offers, and say yes, that's our favorite too, and it is what you are using. But use a name that you actually do want when the baby arrives.

Maybe don't make it personal. Just say "we have decided not to discuss names anymore as we want to decide after the birth."
If they bring it up "remember we are not discussing names?"

My MIL was a nightmare when I was pregnant with my third/DD (first granddaughter for her). She kept saying we needed to sit down and chat about names (like she had a say?!) and would diss any name that could be shortened (like Franny for Francesca).

As suggested above, we would just calmly say that we had a few ideas and wouldn’t be picking until baby had arrived and we knew what she looked like. You just have to be firm and repeat that over and over. When DD arrived and we went with our first choice name my MIL decided that we’d named her after some GP my DH saw as a teen who diagnosed a fairly significant problem so it’s likely no matter whether you scratch names off the list or not your DM will somehow take ownership. Just go with what you love! When my MIL made the GP-DD name comment the first time I looked at her bewildered and said “where did you get that idea?!” loudly amongst a group of people.

Your parents sound really controlling and annoying. Perhaps limit the time you spend with them and tell them why. If they want a relationship with this grandchild they are going to have to respect you as parents, because you can't afford to have them undermine you right from the get go.

Also, never use them for childcare or let your children stay there overnight.