Grandparents and baby names

[garciacherry]

My parents are constantly pressuring us to tell them what we are thinking of naming our unborn child, and saying we should use X Y Z names, that it has to be a strong name, giving opinions on names they think are awful (some of which we like!), etc.

Whenever they suggest a specific name, it makes us want to strike it off our list, as I don't want my parents to think they have named our child and them grow up being told that grandma/ grandad gave them their name.

Is this petty? AIBU to tell them that we will choose a name and announce it when our child is born, and that they need to stop all discussion about names?

I take it you have told her how it makes you feel? What did she say?
If you haven't been honest with her i think you need to be. She might not get how much it is annoying you if you haven't been clear.

MiL was like this with DD. Every time she asked, we said we were thinking about something completely outlandish or inappropriate (my favourites were Adolf and Lucifer!). She couldn't work out if we were taking the piss or not as we said it with all seriousness. She eventually gave up asking and when DD was born and we announced the unusual but perfectly normal name, she was so relieved she loved it!

I think that seems a bit daft tbh just changing it because your mum suggested it, I lost my mum after my first was born and would love to discuss baby names for my other two with her.

They've had their time parenting is not used to limit any enjoyment GPs have. It's used to remind them to back off and stop overstepping the boundaries and trying to be parents again.

A friend of mine who has very very overbearing parents sat them down and said that her favourite name was one they both hated (ironically thename of an overbearing in law of theirs). Out of respect for them she was prepared not to use it, but if they didn't respect her by not making 6283729 name suggestions she would.

It really made them behave 😂

She'd seen them really try and bully her sister into their name choices so she went hard line very early.

I've just had horrific flashbacks to my otherwise all right mum constantly suggesting the name of her deceased brother as a name for my first DS. I wouldn't have minded so much, but his name was Bertram, and my DS was NOT going to be called that! We mollified her by giving DS one of my deceased uncle's middle names as a middle name. But why on earth she thought I would be having a baby Bert I have no idea. Nothing wrong with the name just.... SO not me!

You need to build some boundaries, or this is going to be a horrible experience all around. They’re sure to have opinions on things and it sounds like they will share them…

You need to be able to firmly tell them that you are going to choose the name and you don’t want to talk about it ahead of time - and you need to know they’ll respect that, because otherwise they’re not going to respect anything else you ask them; either.

Loads of people think they know what they're going to call their baby (I decided what my future DS would be called when I was 14) then change their mind when it's born (DS just didn't look like a Callum). Just tell them you've already got a few ideas in mind but you're not going to make any decisions until baby is born. End of conversation.

You need to have a very strong conversation with them both saying how upsetting you are finding it bombarding you with names. A name will be decided when baby is born, and you don’t want to hear another word about names not even any suggestions

if they start very quietly say I told you not to bring this up and walk away or leave,and do that each and every time

I would strike the suggested names off the list also!

My family tried this... we said firmly we'd picked the name Darlene, refused to discuss any other name, and called the bump that for the rest of the pregnancy. ( it was convincing because unfortunately DH actually liked this name 🫣). When DD was born we revealed the name we actually chose when she was a month old (we couldn't make our minds up!) And they were so happy she wasn't really called Darlene they never said another word.

*apologies to any Darlenes reading this !

I totally understand. My mother heavily pressured me to call my baby a name I actually liked, but I didn’t want the decades of “ownership “ that would come with it, and I wanted to name my own child.

Eventually she bullied my DB and SIL into calling their firstborn the blessed name.

Your only option here is a hardcore one. She either shuts the fuck up ir you will leave/hang up/block her if she persists. Every. Single. Time.

Just tell them you've already chosen so not to ask again.

Barry, Gary or Wayne for a boy and Barryanne, Garyana or Waynetta for a girl because you want to use British names that are dying out. You'll choose between those once they're born.

Just give them a fake name to give them something to grouse about.

Or tell them you've already chosen a name and you won't announce it until baby arrives, so they're wasting their time (and yours) and their breath.

A potential pro lem there is that they could go out and buy all sorts of monogrammed baby items, tell all their friends and relatives, and you'd feel pressured to keep that name, or they'd have their noses permanently out of joint.

Make them guess the name, by giving clues. But the clues are red herrings.

"It's an ancient Greek mythological name. Four syllables. Related to sea creatures"

LOL my MiL went a step further and presented me with a dress she had made for a baby girl. When my son (and only baby, her first grandchild) was only a few months old.

Next time they mention a name (say Adam) go "oh wow I love that.. dh what do you think?" DH: "ohh yes Ilove Adam as a name it's perfect " then refeer to baby as "Adam" around them and if they suggests another go "ohh no we like Adam" then when child is born use the name you want and say
" Ohh yes he just didn't look at all like an Adam. ''

God,this was my mother
She seemed to think she had the final say with my kids
She got her way with the first and second but I refused to let her have any say with the rest
My brother told her to 'shut the fuck up-its between myself and my wife' with their baby
She hit the roof and didn't speak to them for weeks
When my ds and his girlfriend where having my first grand baby,she started up again apparently and was told to butt out (I had pre-warned them)
She sulked for ages and slagged them off to everyone she knows
She's pulled the same stunt with friends children/grandchildren
It's like she thinks shes the gatekeeper of baby names
I don't like the name they chose for my first grandchild but stayed well out of it and just gushed about what lovely taste they have in baby names

Bit spiteful.

I’d actually go a different way with this in your shoes. I’d tell them that you’ve chosen a name, it’s a name you both love and agree on and a name you’ve chosen between you! Explain that you won’t share the name until the baby is born because you don’t want to be influenced in any way but they are free to speculate as they please because it will have no bearing in the name you’ve already chosen!

That way, if they say a name and then try to ‘claim’ it was their name suggestion after birth, you can calmly explain that you’re glad they like the name you chose, but it was decided on long before their speculations.

I don't know why parents do this. I'm a gran 6 times over and didn't make any comments about names other than that's a nice name, even if it wasn't one I'd choose.

Tell them that your child is going to be called something but keep the name (s) you actually want out of the conversation, then you can do oh but they don't t look like a insert name here.

Ours became an issue after my DC was born. My partner and I agreed that we our son’s middle name would be the same as my FIL’s name. He was obviously delighted and touched when he found out. We decided that one middle name was enough. During the first visit (when we told my ILs about the name) my MIL said that we must give my son another middle name after her dad, so to include BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY. I guess that would make me a surrogate.

My FIL kept saying to my husband he thought our son should be named 'Joe', as he had an Uncle Joe! My husband hadn't ever met his Dad's Uncle, didn't even know he existed!! Every phone call, he'd bleat on about this bloody name! My husband in the end had to be blunt, and tell his Dad, that we wouldn't be naming our son Joe as we didn't like it (sorry if anyone reading has a son named Joe 😬!). You need to be firm with your parents every time 'We aren't discussing names, and will decided once our baby is born'. Just shut down the conversation, if 'baby names' are mentioned. Be consistent and firm.

They've had their time parenting is not used to limit any enjoyment GPs have. It's used to remind them to back off and stop overstepping the boundaries and trying to be parents again. Different viewpoints, I guess. Where I've seem it used, it's to stop overstepping boundaries by doing anything with the GC that haven't already been done a hundred times with the parents."It was her first time using a paint brush and MIL has stolen that moment from me"