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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandparents and baby names

106 replies

garciacherry · 10/01/2025 06:07

My parents are constantly pressuring us to tell them what we are thinking of naming our unborn child, and saying we should use X Y Z names, that it has to be a strong name, giving opinions on names they think are awful (some of which we like!), etc.

Whenever they suggest a specific name, it makes us want to strike it off our list, as I don't want my parents to think they have named our child and them grow up being told that grandma/ grandad gave them their name.

Is this petty? AIBU to tell them that we will choose a name and announce it when our child is born, and that they need to stop all discussion about names?

OP posts:
losingpatiencetoday · 10/01/2025 06:46

If they are the overbearing type, they probably won't stop doing it in all honesty. Just keep saying you've chosen and all will be revealed after birth.

My FIL was a nightmare for this. My dh was named after a footballer and decided that we named our youngest after a footballer too as he was my husband's favourite at 20 (we're mid 30s now 🙄). DS was not. He has a very, very common name and his name was number 2 on the shortlist, he was actually going to have a different name until the last moment when it was me that changed my mind. Literally nothing at all to do with football but FIL thinks that dh is a clone of him (he isn't). Ds is a toddler now and FIL still goes on about it.

CynicalSunni · 10/01/2025 06:47

My MIL bit get a bit annying about names too.
As soon as she found out I was pregnant kept mentioning family names. First to me in the sitting room, then she met my husband in the hallway and mentioned it to him.

Then in the car. 'Oh we always use this name on the family but it hasnt been used for my grandchildren yet' she only had 2 grandchildren now. It was constant over whatapps when we seen her.

We then said we had chosen a name and would announce it at birth in case we didnt like the name when she was born haha.
But it stopped the name chat

DefyingDepravity · 10/01/2025 06:50

Completely see your issue. I always think that you can't name anyone - or even an animal - until you've actually met them. If you set on a name then your baby arrives and the name doesn't suit them then...?

Use that tack with the grandparents: thanks, but we'll know what they're called when we meet them so there's little point in suggesting names right now.

Pleasejuststopppp · 10/01/2025 06:53

Ah, it’s a tricky one. I think, being generous, grandparents are bound to be excited and want to be involved! But I agree it can feel very intrusive, so I’d try and politely ask your mum to stop - other PP’s have given some nice ideas.

My husband isn’t from the UK, which led to some contrasting baby name pressure from both sides of the family. MIL likes to suggest extremely long and religious names from her culture, that would be very difficult to wear here. She tends to call two of her grandchildren by names that she would like them to have, which have nothing to do with their actual names - so she obviously didn’t approve of what her children chose! My family, on the other hand, dismiss any name that isn’t essentially one syllable and familiar - “no one will be able to say it”, “they’ll be bullied”. They all still insist on calling my 4yo by a shortening of his name that nobody else uses and that he doesn’t recognise as his name.

Baby three on the way and they all know the name is not up for discussion. Perhaps they are all resigned to our rubbish (attempts to pick something that works across two cultures/languages) choices. 😂

BilboBlaggin · 10/01/2025 07:03

Tell them quite firmly that you and your DH are the only ones who will have any input into choosing a name and that their constant suggestions are causing you (and ultimately baby) a lot of stress. That they've had their turn and this is your time to have the joy of picking your child's name.

Alternatively, say that going forward, every time they suggest a name, you'll delay them meeting baby by one day, so if they suggest three names, they won't meet them until day 4 after birth.

Painauraison · 10/01/2025 07:04

Don't tell them 🤣
Ours said they didn't like the names we chose, thought it was awful. I was rude back and said well I don't like your sons names, I think they are awful 🤣🤣

Just say it's not up for discussion!

Cosmos24 · 10/01/2025 07:07

@garciacherry you’re definitely not being unfair to bring this up with them. There are nice and not so nice ways of saying it, but as long as you say it in a kind and respectful way it will be much better for your relationship with them in the long run. It’s lovely that they’re excited, but they need to start treating you as the adult and parent that you are, not their little child. You need to set those boundaries now or you’re at risk of the issue perpetuating throughout your child’s life - they may start turning up at your house uninvited, because it’s “their grandchild” etc. Having clear conversations about boundaries from the outset makes it easier to continue that if other issues arise in the future. But I do get it’s hard! I just think you’ll be saving yourself grief in the long run if you make it clear that you’re the parents, not them, now.

I wouldn’t try to throw them off the scent by pretending you have a name already etc, as there’s a reasonable chance they’ll spend the pregnnacy trying to guess or something equally annoying. Just be frank and honest that you don’t want to talk about name suggestions anymore and gently remind them if they slip up.

RedHelenB · 10/01/2025 07:09

Just announce the names then.

Velvian · 10/01/2025 07:13

I would have no problem saying, 'that was on our list, but we have rejected it since you suggested it' I have no problem being slightly mean to people that are routinely pushing boundaries.

I would reference your dad bringing up your cousin's baby name all the time and that it is personal and between you and DH.

I suggested my nephew's name, but I haven't mentioned it since and I think my sister may gave forgotten, which is fine with me.

whippyskippy · 10/01/2025 08:05

Yeah YANBU. My MIL asked us not to use DD’s name because she knew a horrible girl at school with that name. 🙄 We used it
anyway. I’d just nicely say you are keeping names to yourself and change the subject.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/01/2025 08:11

I agree with @Velvian. Letting them know that you have taken a name off the list because it was suggested and you want to choose yourselves is a good way to clearly make your point.

changecandles · 10/01/2025 08:13

How about saying 'we've already thought of that one and it's already on our list' to the names they suggest.

They might still claim they thought of it if you end up using it but you can do a twinkly laugh and say 'oh granny, you know we had already planned that name before you suggested it. But wasn't it good that you also happened to like it' every single time

changecandles · 10/01/2025 08:14

In fact say that it's great that you both like so many of the same names and they have suggested so many names you already have on your list.

They may just want to feel included so it might shut them up

user13842 · 10/01/2025 08:18

We had a similar problem with MIL. At first we were happy to discuss names with relatives but she was so judgemental of anything we suggested that DH told her it was no longer for discussion, she wouldn’t know until the baby was born and she was not allowed to make any comment to us about the chosen name. He has a good relationship with his mum but was very firm on this point and whenever she tried to bring it up again he just reminded her it wasn’t up for discussion and that if she didn’t drop it we were leaving.

Parents are tricky but just be firm and stick to your guns.

Daisyvodka · 10/01/2025 08:19

'Oh yes, we'd already considered that one. But we have actually chosen the names and we'll let you know at birth'
If they keep discussing:
'We've already picked names, so we don't want to discuss it'
If they KEEP discussing:
'This is a bit of a silly conversation when we've already picked names'

Piffle11 · 10/01/2025 08:31

I know what you mean OP. With DC2 we had chosen 2 names and were trying to decide which way around to use them. I loved them both but was leaning towards XY, whereas DH preferred YX. Told my parents: dad tells me he likes XY and preceded to call the baby X from then on. Kept telling him we hadn’t decided, he just kept saying ‘well I prefer X’. It was infuriating! Parents were telling their friends and relatives that the baby was going to be called XY. So in a way my DF did choose the name for us, as he made my mind up to go for YX!

Vanillalime · 10/01/2025 08:40

I think I would go down the being slightly mean route too. You could say you are naming your child after your MIL/FIL, or that your MIL/FIL suggested a name that you like!

FeedMeSantiago · 10/01/2025 08:46

Oh, we had similar, it was really annoying. We also had to find a name which worked in both cultures and had the whole 'oh, it won't be from [the other family's] culture, will it' from both sides 🙄

We just stuck firmly to 'we haven't chosen a name yet but we won't announce until baby is born'.

It's really annoying I know OP. I think you just have to be a broken record and show you won't engage in name chat.

Occasionally I had to be firm with my mother and say I wasn't discussing the issue.

Fortunately, both sides were happy with the name (or have had the grace to keep schtum). Baby was very poorly when born so we didn't finalise the name until we'd been home about a week. Now we get annoying comments about how long it took us to choose a name 🙄

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 10/01/2025 08:46

Naming a baby seems like the world's most important thing at the time - in the long run it's really quite a minor part of their being and your parenting.

(having said this we gave my eldest child a 'joke' middle name just to piss MIL off.... )

familyissues12345 · 10/01/2025 09:02

I think I would say we're choosing between this and this - so you don't give them a false name that risks them wasting money on personalised things (blanket etc), but also avoids saying we've chosen but are keeping it quiet and they keep digging to know.

Then when baby arrives, say you had a change of mind between the two names Grin

HettysHandbag · 10/01/2025 09:09

I would say that you've agreed a name and it's one she has suggested, but that you can't be specific because you promised each other not to tell or that you are superstitious about it.

Then "suddenly" realise that baby was a Charlie/Susie on seeing her at birth.

If you're one and done you won't ever have to worry about it again.This should stop all the suggestions and you won't worry about being given personalized blankets etc

Jaapssthia · 10/01/2025 09:14

It’s none of their damn business. Shut them down by telling them just that.

Ella31 · 10/01/2025 09:53

I'm currently pregnant and we are telling no one the name. Tell them, it'll be a surprise and shut down the conversation. They'll soon get the message. I'm normally not this precious but I saw with my sil's babies how opinionated people were and judgemental so I learnt quickly to keep back somethings.

Love51 · 10/01/2025 10:01

My mum got excited about names. It is about the only thing you can do until they are born if you aren't the Mum. I ended up saying "you know we aren't naming this baby by committee?" She laughed!

ToEllewithIt · 10/01/2025 10:06

Tell them you don't want to hear any talk of names until baby is here safely. You could even feign being superstitious about it; many people are.

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