Have i overreacted?

[Quiinkong]

I have a 5 month old DS. At 3.5mths old, i had to tell DP that he needs to start helping with night feeds because the exhaustion was unreal. So, he does night shift 2 days a week depending on work schedule, so days aren't fixed. Last week saturday night rolls around and he goes to go to sleep as normal until i tell him he's on night shift (he already knew this because he does night shifts when he doesn't have to get up for work the next day). He tried it with "i thought you were doing it" but i knew he was partly joking and we just laughed. I fed DS around 11.

Now, this boy's feeding habit is erratic. Sometimes he wants to feed again 2hrs later, 1.5hrs later, 3hrs later etc and DP knows this too. In fact, just last week Wednesday, he ate 3x within 3hrs (90ml each time, max he will feed is 120ml at a time). Around 12:20am, he started fussing in bed which is his feeding cue when he's sleeping, so i nudged DP to feed him (we were still awake in bed). DS only eats 60ml and DP is like "he wasn't really hungry" but 5mins later DS starts fussing again. DS has moments where he will eat a little bit and 5-10mins later, wants the rest. So, i said to DP "i think he wants the rest now" and DP said "no, he's not hungry", i left it and said nothing. About 20mins later, i got up myself because DS was still fussing in bed (fussing just means he's restless while his eyes are still closed), i take him and fed him the rest of the 60ml and he ate it. I say nothing to DP because he already started sleeping.

Just before 2am, DS is fussing again and i once again nudge DP because he's a deeper sleeper than i am, so, i usually have to wake DP to feed our son. I nudge him and he's like "omg he's not hungry, what time is it? What time did he last eat" and I'm like "that's what you said earlier but i got up and he ate" and DP said "yeah, so how long ago was that" and I'm like "that doesn't matter, he's hungry" and DP begrudgingly gets up and starts feeding our son (our convo was in whisper mode as we didn't want to wake DS). Once again, DS eats 60ml and DP comes out of whisper mode and starts going "see, he only ate 60ml, he wasn't really hungry, let him get proper hungry" and our son pops his eyes open from obviously the not so quiet voice and i was like "really? Did you have to bring this up right now?" and DP reiterates himself again and i was just like "ok, you know what, I'll do the night shift" and i scoot near the crib , essentially taking over where DP was sleeping which is usually my place to sleep.

DP starts going off "move back to your place, I'll do the shift" and I'm obviously over his complaining at 2am over having to wake up to feed our son and i tell him no, I'll do the shift and stay on that side of the bed. DP angrily (i could see his expression) puts DS in his crib and starts to power shove me to the other side of the bed, no bra on and he's just angrily trying to roll me like tissue paper to the other side. After he was done, i was so pissed off that i took my foot to his body and started pushing him back as well and he starts telling me again to move back to the other side "i know what you're trying to get me to do" he says. I'm there like wtf does that mean? I've never been violent in my relationships, never a shove or a slap or even cussing, me shovinv him was the first time ever for me in a relationship. So, i was there like is he implying I'm trying to make him be violent? What an effin laugh! Told him if he can't control himself, he shouldn't try to put that on me by gaslighting me. Mind you, our DS is fully awake in his crib. DP yanks my pillows and throws them on the floor, so i laughed, got up with the duvet, grabbed my pillows and went to sleep in the living room.

He goes to the kitchen while mumbling "i know what you're trying to get me to do and it won't work", i didn't say anything in response. Let's just say i had a difficult time sleeping. Sunday night, he goes to work. Monday morning, DS wakes up early and I'm obviously exhausted from night shift (waking up every 1.5-2hrs to feed him and then change him once) and sometimes when i wake up around 4/5am to feed him, i find it difficult to go back to sleep right away and by the time i want to go back to sleep, DS wakes up right then. So, i grabbed DS from his crib and put him beside me in bed and i start to doze off but fear of him falling out of bed (he's now crawling) if i actually sleep off made me get up and move to the sofa bed in the living room. This way, i can secure him against the back of the chair while i doze in and out of sleep. I finally get DS to go back to sleep an hour later and start to sleep too only to be woken up less than an hour later by DP semi shouting why i have our son sleeping in the living room. Honestly, i could have thrown him out the window. Our son was sleeping, i was effin finally able to get some sleep and he wakes us up. I told him to stop shouting and that we only moved to the living room in the morning, so not like i had our son sleep there all night.

DP goes off like "go to the bedroom and put him in his crib" and i told him to take DS there himself then, he doesn't but keeps repeating himself and i just ignored him and he just kept going on and on saying how petty i get over a small disagreement, as a mother I'm not acting mature and i just continued to ignore him. On his way to sleep, he says "don't bring that boy in to disturb my sleep or else we'll have an issue". Oh, so his sleep is precious and mine wasn't? When DS took a nap, i just left him on the sofa bed because i didn't want to have any sort of conversation with DP. In the evening, he had the audacity to ask if i was going to be cooking dinner and i just continued to ignore him. As I'm typing this, i still haven't spoken to him.

AIBU? Was it really not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be because tbh I'm questioning my relationship with this man.

You were wrong about the night feed thing, the dads thoughts also matter and your son doesn’t need a feed every time he stirs at 5 months. Criticising, dismissing and taking over is obviously going to annoy your partner. Beyond that you should like a pair of big children in a dead relationship. What are you getting out of this?

I won’t vote, because it’s not a straightforward case of YABU/YANBU. You are clearly sleep-deprived and deserve kindness, not a battering.

First thought, midnight, why were you both still awake in bed? There are certain strategies you need to follow to survive the sleep deprivation of a baby. You could have gone to bed at 9pm and got a few hours sleep in already.

The most important thing here is, if DH is taking the night shift, you should be in a different room getting sleep. Nudging DH awake, and the inevitable arguments that follow, make no sense whatsoever. You are all cranky and no one is getting sleep. You are overbearing him. You need to leave him
to it and let him parent on his night shift. Of
course you are right, and baby likely was still hungry. But if dad is by himself with baby, he’ll soon figure that out, when baby wakes him back up twenty minutes later. He needs to learn to be a dad and develop his own instincts.

You should not have kicked him in bed. YABVU there.

If this situation is going to work, I think you need a totally fresh approach. DH can do his two nightshifts by himself with baby, while
you sleep on the sofa. Another method that works well is if dad does e.g. 8pm-1am each night with baby, then you do 1am-7am. That way, you can get a solid 5hr block of sleep each night, plus dozing in the early hours between feeds.

This way, i can secure him against the back of the chair while i doze in and out of sleep

Please never do this. This is not safe sleeping. Your baby could have died. Please always return him to the crib, or look up how to safely cosleep on a flat matress. Never on a sofa/chair.

He sounds unsupportive. He doesn't appreciate how knackered you are.

You sound at the end of your tether. Beyond tired.

The night he was supposed to be 'on shift' it sounds as though he knew he was letting you down and that's why he tried to move you over to the other side of the bed. You reacted with your feet, which could be interpreted as kicking. You were both tired and angry.

He was beyond out of order to shout at you when you were sleeping on the sofa. However, it doesn't sound a safe place for baby to sleep. He could have suffocated.

You're both tired. You're both angry and resentful. If this is out of character from him, can you try to get a few hours of calm together to talk it through? Maybe go for a walk with the pram and get your feelings off your chest as well as listening to him.

If, however, this is typical of him - sulking, swerving his responsibility, behaving aggressively, etc. Then maybe you should be thinking whether you want a long term future with him.

A restless baby does not necessarily need feeding. He should be going through the night by now and probably isn't because you feed him every time he stirs. If you just rub his back or hold his hand a couple of minutes he would probably settle. You probably only need to do that a couple of times for him to go through the night. No wonder your DH is at the end of his tether too.

I will put it down to you being tired for all the other nonsense.

It sounds very petty from both sides .

on another note - all my babies were on solids and sleeping through the night at that age . Does your baby still have only milk ? Maybe hes too hungry to sleep all night ?

The baby is 5 months old?

Try to not feed every time your baby stirs. Your partner is right, you should leave him until he is actually hungry.

I have a 16 month old who still has 1-2 feeds per night. When she wakes up, I wait until she’s actually awake(as in eyes open) or making sounds more than sleep sounds before feeding her. This is how we cut down her feeds in half.

Babies don’t start weaning until 6 months if you follow the guidelines.

What you are doing just now doesn’t work. Also a restless baby doesn’t need fed everytime they wake. Sometimes they just need soothed back to sleep other time a cuddle, but not a feed every time. A 5 month old baby should be going a good 4 hours at least between bottles.

dh and I took “shifts” dh worked a dangerous job up heights so I never expected him to get up during the night when I was on May leave however he covered the 9pm-1am shift putting baby back to bed after the midnight feed and then I did the 3am- 7am shift. This meant that we both got a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep and we both felt rested.

Please don't sleep in a chair or sofa with your baby. It isnt safe.

Have your DP do "his" nights beside the baby, but in a seperate room to you. Let him get on with it. That way, you get to sleep and he gets to make decisions around his child.

Go speak to DP, sulking doesn't make for good relationships.

So what really stuck out to me was you were trying to make him get up to the baby but talking in a whisper as to not wake the baby? Why are you getting up to feed a baby that is sleeping? I didn’t get up to mine until they were awake and started to actually cry? Also, 5 months old and still getting up to feed 3x a night is a lot. Mine had all dropped the night feed by that age. I think you need to increase his milk during the day as it sounds like he isn’t getting enough. Is he on solids yet?

mine were all pretty much 6 feeds from birth 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm, 2am and once they started solids they dropped the 2am and I would just do the 10pm later and the 6am abit earlier.

Second this - my DDs were both sleeping through long before this; although they also slept through before going onto solids.

Those quantities sound like much younger baby feeds. I’m sure we were using the bigger bottles with over 200ml per feed by five months.

You must be at an unbelievable level of exhausted to be on multiple night feeds still for this length of time. Really try not to put any judgement on your relationship until you’ve had a week at least of proper nights sleeps.

He was violent with you, OP. He shoved you and you had the absolute right to defend yourself by pushing back with your foot. How dare he put his hands on you like that!

My question would be why you are expected to wake him if it's his night to take care of the baby? If you have to nudge him awake, you're still on duty, not getting any rest. So his pretence that he is taking over two nights a week is a big fat lie. He fully expects you to wake him and takes no responsibility for it. This is his passive aggressive way of protesting having to do it. He should be setting an alarm and would if he actually gave a shit.
From what you've said he sounds like a typically lazy, entitled fucker who gets abusive when he's expected to do anything, even though it's nowhere near his share. You and your child deserve better and entitled men like this don't change. They give lip service to doing things, but will find sneaky ways to get out of doing them, just as he is done. Then they'll blame you and get aggressive if you protest. I would get the hell out. Pushing you out of bed may be the opening salvo in a pattern of abuse that will get worse with time.

Ignore the people who are blaming you. Internalized misogyny is rampant on MN.

You want DH to do a “shift” you let him do it his way. He doesn’t need you micromanaging him.

To be totally honest, you both just sound tired and you’re acting like a pair of bickering kids.

How on earth is your baby crawling?

And yabu feeding so often

Fussing could mean a bit of wind or something

shush pat back to sleep

Baby doesn't need fed as soon as they stir - this is shown by the small amounts they are taking Let the baby wake up properly rather than jumping as soon as they stir - like have a full grinch/crying if it hasn't been long since a feed then resettle without feeding.

co-sleeping needs to be done in a careful environment not a sofa bed.

For him to do the night shift sounds like you need to sleep in another room Dp will wake up when baby properly cries to be fed

I hear what everyone is saying. Our DS does not eat more than 120ml at a time, recently only even 90ml, there's nothing we can do about that. If he was eating 180ml per feed, then yes, he should be able to go 4-5hrs before needing another feed. We recently bought cerelac to start incorporating inbetween feeds, he eats just a tiny bit before refusing. DP and i are both new parents and just figuring things out on our own as we go.

To those saying i should just leave him to it when it's his turn, i would leave him to it IF he wasn't such a deep sleeper, not trying to micromanage him at all. Thing is, during the day when our son feeds multiple times in a row, DP has no problem with that at all and only now had an issue with it because he's the one having to get up to get the job done.

He isnt completely on his hands and knees but he moves from A to B, so, it should be considered crawling, right?

Our DS never cries for a feed, he has always been this way. He will only start fussing when he wants to be fed and if he has to eventually open his eyes, it will take almost 2hrs, an hour if extremely lucky, before he goes back to sleep because he will refuse to sleep after his feed.

You are both being really weird and need to chill the hell out

He doesn't eat enough during the day for me to be like "oh, he just needs his hands to be held". At his age, he should be having 180ml 6x a day but he eats 90ml 4-6x during the day. We obviously cannot force him to eat more than he wants, which is why the night feeds are important because that's where he gets the rest of his necessary daily intake

Babies don’t need feeding just because they are restless. There are lots of reasons babies can become restless… If he’s only taking 60ml, he doesn’t need a feed and without being rude, you are making a rod for your own back and encouraging abnormal routines! Do you feed him when he’s the slightest bit restless during the day? Getting up to feed him this often isn’t going to help him develop a routine, which means you are going to be sleep deprived for soooo much longer than you need to be. I’d suggest you both leave DS until he is letting you know he is properly hungry. Don’t keep topping him up unnecessarily. You’ll find your relationship benefits from this approach too because you’ll both be much more rational!

My first was the same with regards to only drinking little and often until a friend suggested going up a teat size. Was a game changer when we went to the next size up! Might be worth looking at if you haven't already done so 😊

Ooh I feel for you both, the first is so difficult. I remember making DH fill out charts I had hand made with feeding times, nappy changes, nap times, wake times 😳 I don't know how he didn't strangle me. By my 5th we were extremely relaxed and could laugh together about our behaviour before.

Tbh it's all guess work and learning as you go. Thankfully there's the internet now to check out things.

The thing I'll say is and it's an old one but works 'sleep when the baby sleeps' it doesn't matter if the house is falling down around you, even lying in bed is resting your body. Also 'communication', as much as you want to lose the cool with each other, have a plan on place, communicate with each other, who's doing what that day/week and stick to it, let the other parent do things their way, mother's will always think our way is right, but in reality it's just different than the other parent. I hated the way DH did nappies but with practice he improved 🤣

Night feeding is the devil, every parents nightmare. It doesn't last forever. I don't remember amount of formula mls, see it won't scar you for life 😁 I'm sure you're doing everything correctly, however I do remember one of mine waking out of habit because he knew he'd get some milk, so he liked to wake every 2 hours.

Where I live we have a public health nurse do you have something similar? They can be a wealth of information and have tips and tricks.

You'll be fine, you'll get through this difficult stage.