Have i overreacted?

[Quiinkong]

I have a 5 month old DS. At 3.5mths old, i had to tell DP that he needs to start helping with night feeds because the exhaustion was unreal. So, he does night shift 2 days a week depending on work schedule, so days aren't fixed. Last week saturday night rolls around and he goes to go to sleep as normal until i tell him he's on night shift (he already knew this because he does night shifts when he doesn't have to get up for work the next day). He tried it with "i thought you were doing it" but i knew he was partly joking and we just laughed. I fed DS around 11.

Now, this boy's feeding habit is erratic. Sometimes he wants to feed again 2hrs later, 1.5hrs later, 3hrs later etc and DP knows this too. In fact, just last week Wednesday, he ate 3x within 3hrs (90ml each time, max he will feed is 120ml at a time). Around 12:20am, he started fussing in bed which is his feeding cue when he's sleeping, so i nudged DP to feed him (we were still awake in bed). DS only eats 60ml and DP is like "he wasn't really hungry" but 5mins later DS starts fussing again. DS has moments where he will eat a little bit and 5-10mins later, wants the rest. So, i said to DP "i think he wants the rest now" and DP said "no, he's not hungry", i left it and said nothing. About 20mins later, i got up myself because DS was still fussing in bed (fussing just means he's restless while his eyes are still closed), i take him and fed him the rest of the 60ml and he ate it. I say nothing to DP because he already started sleeping.

Just before 2am, DS is fussing again and i once again nudge DP because he's a deeper sleeper than i am, so, i usually have to wake DP to feed our son. I nudge him and he's like "omg he's not hungry, what time is it? What time did he last eat" and I'm like "that's what you said earlier but i got up and he ate" and DP said "yeah, so how long ago was that" and I'm like "that doesn't matter, he's hungry" and DP begrudgingly gets up and starts feeding our son (our convo was in whisper mode as we didn't want to wake DS). Once again, DS eats 60ml and DP comes out of whisper mode and starts going "see, he only ate 60ml, he wasn't really hungry, let him get proper hungry" and our son pops his eyes open from obviously the not so quiet voice and i was like "really? Did you have to bring this up right now?" and DP reiterates himself again and i was just like "ok, you know what, I'll do the night shift" and i scoot near the crib , essentially taking over where DP was sleeping which is usually my place to sleep.

DP starts going off "move back to your place, I'll do the shift" and I'm obviously over his complaining at 2am over having to wake up to feed our son and i tell him no, I'll do the shift and stay on that side of the bed. DP angrily (i could see his expression) puts DS in his crib and starts to power shove me to the other side of the bed, no bra on and he's just angrily trying to roll me like tissue paper to the other side. After he was done, i was so pissed off that i took my foot to his body and started pushing him back as well and he starts telling me again to move back to the other side "i know what you're trying to get me to do" he says. I'm there like wtf does that mean? I've never been violent in my relationships, never a shove or a slap or even cussing, me shovinv him was the first time ever for me in a relationship. So, i was there like is he implying I'm trying to make him be violent? What an effin laugh! Told him if he can't control himself, he shouldn't try to put that on me by gaslighting me. Mind you, our DS is fully awake in his crib. DP yanks my pillows and throws them on the floor, so i laughed, got up with the duvet, grabbed my pillows and went to sleep in the living room.

He goes to the kitchen while mumbling "i know what you're trying to get me to do and it won't work", i didn't say anything in response. Let's just say i had a difficult time sleeping. Sunday night, he goes to work. Monday morning, DS wakes up early and I'm obviously exhausted from night shift (waking up every 1.5-2hrs to feed him and then change him once) and sometimes when i wake up around 4/5am to feed him, i find it difficult to go back to sleep right away and by the time i want to go back to sleep, DS wakes up right then. So, i grabbed DS from his crib and put him beside me in bed and i start to doze off but fear of him falling out of bed (he's now crawling) if i actually sleep off made me get up and move to the sofa bed in the living room. This way, i can secure him against the back of the chair while i doze in and out of sleep. I finally get DS to go back to sleep an hour later and start to sleep too only to be woken up less than an hour later by DP semi shouting why i have our son sleeping in the living room. Honestly, i could have thrown him out the window. Our son was sleeping, i was effin finally able to get some sleep and he wakes us up. I told him to stop shouting and that we only moved to the living room in the morning, so not like i had our son sleep there all night.

DP goes off like "go to the bedroom and put him in his crib" and i told him to take DS there himself then, he doesn't but keeps repeating himself and i just ignored him and he just kept going on and on saying how petty i get over a small disagreement, as a mother I'm not acting mature and i just continued to ignore him. On his way to sleep, he says "don't bring that boy in to disturb my sleep or else we'll have an issue". Oh, so his sleep is precious and mine wasn't? When DS took a nap, i just left him on the sofa bed because i didn't want to have any sort of conversation with DP. In the evening, he had the audacity to ask if i was going to be cooking dinner and i just continued to ignore him. As I'm typing this, i still haven't spoken to him.

AIBU? Was it really not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be because tbh I'm questioning my relationship with this man.

I am in the UK and really, we were discharged from her care. I've filled out a triage form for the GP just now hoping we'll be seen today

You need to speak to your GP then, you’re not supposed to be discharged till DC are 5 I think. They do a visit around 3/4 months then you don’t get another until they are 8/9 months but you still should be having those development checks. Do you have a red book?

They won’t keep visiting you except for the scheduled checks but you should have a way of contacting them for any questions.

Are you sure it was the midwife that discharged you? Or the HV from home visits but you are still on their register for going to their clinics?

I agree with everyone else - don't feed your baby until they are awake and hungry! Babies stir and murmur during the night as they go through the various sleep cycles. This is normal. It doesn't mean they are hungry. It sounds like you are doing similar in the day and shoving a bottle in his mouth every whimper. You need to learn to recognise what his different cries mean. My sister did what you are doing and just fed her baby then toddler constantly and has ended up with an extremely overweight child - you need to learn to only feed when they are hungry, or they end up wanting to eat for comfort!

A dummy may help, if you aren't opposed to this.

We put our sons in their own room (with baby monitor) before the recommended 6 months as I was waking up to every noise - then I couldn't get back to sleep knowing it wouldn't be long til feeding time.... we could still hear murmurs through the monitor, but it wouldn't wake me anymore. This was a game changer for me.

You haven't addressed the concerns about the sleeping on the sofa bed. Please read up on safe co-sleeping so that you aren't putting your baby at risk because you are exhausted.

Go to sleep during the day when your baby sleeps. Ask a friend or relative to take the baby for a few hours so you can get some sleep - this will help you feel a lot better!

With the teats, we sound the Avent variflow tests were the best - you could speed up if needs be or slow the feed back down if you went up too soon.

During the day, when he stops feeding. Make sure you are winding him and don't stop until you get a recent burp or two out. Then try the bottle again - trapped wind can make them too uncomfortable to continue feeding. If still not taking much in the day, space the feeds out. Try to distract the baby with toys or reading to him etc. Wait until he is making it clear he is hungry and needs food NOW.

Good luck!

whats the GP visit for? When was the baby last weighed?

It was definitely the HV that discharged us, midwife did too. I haven't seen the HV since he was 6wks. Yes, i do have a red book. For everyone saying DS is probably just in need of soothing, needs a pacifier etc and not to feed when he's asleep. You all know your babies and i know mine too. All babies aren't the same. Tonight, i left him be as suggested by some, if not all of you and he woke up each time. He didn't go back to sleep after soothing or pacifier given, he sucks the pacifier like his life depends on it when he's hungry and after feeding, i had to spend a considerable amount of time to get him back to sleep which isn't helping my tiredness. So, when my baby is fussing, i know he needs to feed....apart from needing to feed and sleep, he never fusses. I'm glad about 2 mums in the comment mentioned that their baby was exactly like mine too. I have ordered a new teat size and shall hope for the best. I will also try more solids even if he doesn't take much. I will take no more advice on that issue but i thank all that gave their opinions. Also, a few people have mentioned that I'm trying to micromanage DP because i woke him up to feed DS. This has been our arrangement since he started helping with night feeds and he doesn't or didn't have an issue with it but again, thanks for the opinion. I am hoping to get an apt with the GP today so he/she can have a look at DP for tongue tie.

You need to learn to recognise what his different cries mean.

How ironic because i do know exactly just that and yet I'm being told I'm wrong.

It’s good that you tried but you can’t night wean in one night, especially with a newborn teat, it isn’t just that everyone on here is wrong. Hopefully new teat size allows the baby to take more milk, I hope you manage to get baby sleeping in longer stretches soon.

You need to get more food down him in the day then if you want to ignore all the advice on here. Do you have a schedule? He is snacking and you need to move the feeds apart more. It might be tricky for the first few days but that’s all it will take, work on the day first of that is less painful. Do you do a big feed around 11pm? I found that really helped.

OP, I would seriously start thinking about weaning him on to solids at this point.

I know that people uphold the need for no solids until the day of their 6 month birthday on here, but the fact is, he’s not getting enough milk. My DS started taking less milk as a sign that he was ready for solids, and he never looked back.

But ironaically people will swear blind that giving solids before six months is going to do some irretrievable harm, whereas they actively advocate co sleeping even though that carries a risk of SIDS.

I would try and get onto a little bit of a schedule, starting during the day. I understand he's only eating little and often but he's not going to eat more if he's continuously fed. Say he feed every 2 hours during the day, slowly start spacing this to 2.5 hours, then 3 etc, the naturally he'll start drinking more. Don't do anything drastic, and start with day not night. I agree with upping the teats too. Definitely don't agree with the rice in the bottle suggestion!

To be fair, I never bothered with the classes/clubs, etc. The teat size information is right there on the packet when you buy them. Or OP could Google, "why is my baby not eating enough?"

Well OP is stropping off because people are trying to help

So I don't think that this incident with her DP is isolated

The world is full of adults who were weaned at 4 months (the recommendation when I was a new mum in the early 2000s), and even earlier (my mum started weaning before 3 months even). It was a nightmare holding my son off to 16 weeks, so I'd never have managed milk only til 6 months. He was a monster-baby though.

OP, something I noticed is how obsessed bottle-feeding mums were with how much their babies were drinking. I EBF, so never had a clue what he was taking, but he was a monster baby, so presumably all was well.

Of course, it's a good idea to have him checked by a doctor if you are are worried.

I wonder if he can never take much because he's never able to feel hungry, as he's constantly being 'topped up' at any noise, even if he is sleeping? A night with his dad alone might be a good idea, as you could sleep, and Dad would wake if baby was properly crying. 'Fussing' at night is often just the baby creating 'white noise' til they drop into deeper sleep.

But you say he only cries when he's hungry or tired. That's obviously not the case (babies will cry when they have wind, when they have growing pains, when they are cold, when they are lonely). What has happened is that you have fed in response to every cry, which is unnecessary and causing feeding problems. The baby will also only associate comfort with food, now, which is not healthy.

Speak for yourself. I wasn't up all night with a 5 month old.

Time and time again i read threads about women getting the silent treatment from their partners and how wrong it is because it.
Yet you op are doing it and thats ok is it.
Im not going lie or sugar coat it grow up your a parent so his he.
You overreacting.

Your baby doesn't need feeding every time they stir. At 5 months I'd expect them to self settle and be going through almost an entire night without feeds, especially if they only take a few ml. So I'd say YABU.

Op, I’m not sure you’re hearing what’s being said; of course your baby wants this, it’s a learned behaviour. He’s been taught he will be fed. And of course he’s hungry as he’s eating very small amounts at a time.

you will need to try to break this habit. Mine went through at 11 weeks. Bottle fed, with the right sized teat often means their tummies are fuller and they sleep longer.

for your child’s sake, and both of yours you now need to try to break this habit. Go longer between feeds, use larger teats, not new born, the hungrier your baby gets before a feed the more they will consume when they are fed, assuming it’s the right sized teat and they can.

and honestly I’d also consider weaning hut as your baby only has ever had small amounts at a time, I would personally try to get them used to having more milk first.

OP, I really want to emphasise that I’m not judging you at all, and I expect that goes the same for most people on here.

I hope the GP can help, if it turns out he is tongue tied then there’s a definite solution, but the GP might be able to give you other contacts that can help locally.

Some HVs can be really abrupt and off putting and give you the feeling that they don’t want or need to see you again, but in my area there are HV clinics run every week for baby weigh-ins and “sanity checks” which were really good for me to touch base with professionals even when I didn’t have any specific questions. Even if your HV did discharge you, you can ask at the GP whether there are any support services available (even if it’s just that you can phone an HV).

I’ve met some really lovely HVs who really helped (as well as the one who tried to lay down the law for me on how to breastfeed, and how mixed feeding was wrong - even though it worked for me).

Don’t be put off by some of the posters on here who have annoyed you (I know that probably includes me!) just read through everyone’s ideas and see which ones could work for you. Ignore the rest.

Everyone first time parent is making it up as they go along. It is hard, it is exhausting, but it is just a phase and it will get better

This exactly. OP you say you’ve tried but you tried for one night and with a newborn teat. Your baby will still be working very hard to only get a tiny bit of milk. They need an age appropriate teat and you to keep at it. The longer you keep drip feeding the baby every few hours all night, the longer you’re going to be sleep deprived.

This isn’t proving you right at all. It would be beneficial for you to stop seeing the kindly given advice as criticism.

I was the one who said about learning to identify the different cries - this poster has understood what I was trying to say.

OP we aren’t saying these things to get at you or criticise you - we are trying to help you! The people replying have had or have babies and we are giving you info on the things we have learned. Do you really think all these different people that agree are wrong, and you are right despite the fact you are exhausted, your baby is waking constantly at an age where many are starting to sleep through? We have been there - it is horrendous! Let us help you get through it too or you’ll have no relationship or sanity left!

in terms of cries, a hungry baby cry is very, very different to cold, wet, wants a cuddle, tired, over stimulated, teething pain, poorly, too warm cries etc. It’s experience that gets you to tell the difference, but some people do fall into the trap of “they’re crying they must be hungry”. So then your baby feeds a little and feels comforted because of the sucking mostly - and they learn they need a bottle to settle. And all of those cries really are different! At night they have to learn to self soothe - it doesn’t happen instantly. And because your baby has learned you feed every whimper, they now can’t get themselves back to sleep without a bottle.

I hope all goes well at the doctors. And definitely try to see if a friend will take your baby for a few hours for you to sleep. You’ll feel so much better and then it’s easier to see the bigger picture. Plus you need to be rested if it’s going to take a few days and nights to get your LO into a new routine!

By the way, when I mentioned my sister doing the same, her baby was above the top percentile, despite not being born around there. In primary school she came back as morbidly obese in both height and weight checks. You could be setting your child up for a lifetime of issues with food - as crazy as that sounds! Obviously there was more to it than just the milk, but will you continue on solids and give food as a comfort every time?

@Quiinkong I'm glad you are reading the replies and ideas to help and I understand why you're maybe being a little defensive but really, posters are just trying to help.
When you said you tried not feeding your little one as soon as he stirred last night but he didn't go back to sleep after the dummy, was he actually crying or just wriggling and fretting? Do just leave him be to self soothe? (Not controlled crying!)
Your little one needs to start to get onto a different pattern of feeding and hopefully the different teat will help but it might take a little while to break the small, frequent feeds that he's got used to.
I do hope you're taking on board the advice to sleep in the spare room or whatever when your partner is on night duty, or my suggestion that he does the 10pm and 6am feed and you do the one in the night. Good luck

You're both knackered and irritable.

You're baby doesn't need fed that many times a night though, if he's only taking 60ml at a time he isn't hungry. You said he was fussing but eyes closed, it's fine to leave him like that to go back into a proper sleep. I used to make the same mistake and feed DS as soon as I heard the light fussing because I associated it with he's going to go into a full on cry soon. Once I started leaving it to see what happens, he would mostly fall back asleep.
Honestly once they're in their own room it's a lot easier

Yes! Definitely go up at least 1 size, I think we were on a size 2 before 2 months. They get tired and fall asleep because so little is coming out. Might drink a full bottle

Sorry you are getting such a hard time in this thread OP. Loads of my friends told me that they didn’t know about the teat sizes until someone told them when their babies were a few months old. I’m lucky someone mentioned it to me before mine were born because with the sleep deprivation I barely knew my own name when mine were babies. I think a lot of people forget what that’s like.

It sounds like you are a great mum and you know your baby as you say. Well done for booking a GP appointment to check for a tongue tie.