Have i overreacted?

[Quiinkong]

I have a 5 month old DS. At 3.5mths old, i had to tell DP that he needs to start helping with night feeds because the exhaustion was unreal. So, he does night shift 2 days a week depending on work schedule, so days aren't fixed. Last week saturday night rolls around and he goes to go to sleep as normal until i tell him he's on night shift (he already knew this because he does night shifts when he doesn't have to get up for work the next day). He tried it with "i thought you were doing it" but i knew he was partly joking and we just laughed. I fed DS around 11.

Now, this boy's feeding habit is erratic. Sometimes he wants to feed again 2hrs later, 1.5hrs later, 3hrs later etc and DP knows this too. In fact, just last week Wednesday, he ate 3x within 3hrs (90ml each time, max he will feed is 120ml at a time). Around 12:20am, he started fussing in bed which is his feeding cue when he's sleeping, so i nudged DP to feed him (we were still awake in bed). DS only eats 60ml and DP is like "he wasn't really hungry" but 5mins later DS starts fussing again. DS has moments where he will eat a little bit and 5-10mins later, wants the rest. So, i said to DP "i think he wants the rest now" and DP said "no, he's not hungry", i left it and said nothing. About 20mins later, i got up myself because DS was still fussing in bed (fussing just means he's restless while his eyes are still closed), i take him and fed him the rest of the 60ml and he ate it. I say nothing to DP because he already started sleeping.

Just before 2am, DS is fussing again and i once again nudge DP because he's a deeper sleeper than i am, so, i usually have to wake DP to feed our son. I nudge him and he's like "omg he's not hungry, what time is it? What time did he last eat" and I'm like "that's what you said earlier but i got up and he ate" and DP said "yeah, so how long ago was that" and I'm like "that doesn't matter, he's hungry" and DP begrudgingly gets up and starts feeding our son (our convo was in whisper mode as we didn't want to wake DS). Once again, DS eats 60ml and DP comes out of whisper mode and starts going "see, he only ate 60ml, he wasn't really hungry, let him get proper hungry" and our son pops his eyes open from obviously the not so quiet voice and i was like "really? Did you have to bring this up right now?" and DP reiterates himself again and i was just like "ok, you know what, I'll do the night shift" and i scoot near the crib , essentially taking over where DP was sleeping which is usually my place to sleep.

DP starts going off "move back to your place, I'll do the shift" and I'm obviously over his complaining at 2am over having to wake up to feed our son and i tell him no, I'll do the shift and stay on that side of the bed. DP angrily (i could see his expression) puts DS in his crib and starts to power shove me to the other side of the bed, no bra on and he's just angrily trying to roll me like tissue paper to the other side. After he was done, i was so pissed off that i took my foot to his body and started pushing him back as well and he starts telling me again to move back to the other side "i know what you're trying to get me to do" he says. I'm there like wtf does that mean? I've never been violent in my relationships, never a shove or a slap or even cussing, me shovinv him was the first time ever for me in a relationship. So, i was there like is he implying I'm trying to make him be violent? What an effin laugh! Told him if he can't control himself, he shouldn't try to put that on me by gaslighting me. Mind you, our DS is fully awake in his crib. DP yanks my pillows and throws them on the floor, so i laughed, got up with the duvet, grabbed my pillows and went to sleep in the living room.

He goes to the kitchen while mumbling "i know what you're trying to get me to do and it won't work", i didn't say anything in response. Let's just say i had a difficult time sleeping. Sunday night, he goes to work. Monday morning, DS wakes up early and I'm obviously exhausted from night shift (waking up every 1.5-2hrs to feed him and then change him once) and sometimes when i wake up around 4/5am to feed him, i find it difficult to go back to sleep right away and by the time i want to go back to sleep, DS wakes up right then. So, i grabbed DS from his crib and put him beside me in bed and i start to doze off but fear of him falling out of bed (he's now crawling) if i actually sleep off made me get up and move to the sofa bed in the living room. This way, i can secure him against the back of the chair while i doze in and out of sleep. I finally get DS to go back to sleep an hour later and start to sleep too only to be woken up less than an hour later by DP semi shouting why i have our son sleeping in the living room. Honestly, i could have thrown him out the window. Our son was sleeping, i was effin finally able to get some sleep and he wakes us up. I told him to stop shouting and that we only moved to the living room in the morning, so not like i had our son sleep there all night.

DP goes off like "go to the bedroom and put him in his crib" and i told him to take DS there himself then, he doesn't but keeps repeating himself and i just ignored him and he just kept going on and on saying how petty i get over a small disagreement, as a mother I'm not acting mature and i just continued to ignore him. On his way to sleep, he says "don't bring that boy in to disturb my sleep or else we'll have an issue". Oh, so his sleep is precious and mine wasn't? When DS took a nap, i just left him on the sofa bed because i didn't want to have any sort of conversation with DP. In the evening, he had the audacity to ask if i was going to be cooking dinner and i just continued to ignore him. As I'm typing this, i still haven't spoken to him.

AIBU? Was it really not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be because tbh I'm questioning my relationship with this man.

Christ! Get a white noise machine.

I didn’t bottle feed but this makes sense. Are you still using the smaller tests? If so that could be why he’s only having 90ml. He’s got to work to hard to get it.

do you have a child health nurse you could see? You really need to up his milk during the day. 90ml a feed doesn’t sound like enough for a 5 almost 6 month old.

being a new parent is really hard, you are just working everything out for the first time. But it’s always good to listen to experienced mums or people like a child health nurse.

It really sounds like you are micromanaging him, if you want him to help at night you need to let him do things not sit there telling him what to do the whole time otherwise you may as well do it yourself. Sounds like he might be right anyway, he might be stirring but not hungry. And you should never ever co sleep on a sofa or chair that's incredibly unsafe for your baby.

Have you chatted to the Health Visitor about the feed amounts? They might have some tips and either be able to reassure you that it’s sensible to persevere with what you’re doing or recommend something to try.

I agree with the people suggesting trying a faster teat, but with a caveat of trying it carefully, as my eldest didn’t ever get on with faster teats, we looked like we were trying to drown her with milk a few times we tried!

Does he have reflux? That might cause stop/start feeding if it’s making his tummy hurt to have too much at once.

Something as simple as swapping milk brand can make a big difference. DD1 started on SMA but we swapped her to Aptamil fairly early on when she started being fussy; DD2 we thought we knew what we were doing by then, but Aptamil seemed to make her sick more, so we settled on Hipp Organic after trying a few others.

Is he on a normal growth curve? (If you’re in the UK, the red book has everything like that in).

There are teat sizes? Thank you for the information!

Health care visitor discharged us from her care when he was around 6wks. He is on SMA too. Maybe we will try another brand and definitely another teat size as suggested.

If your baby is putting on weight well, then i wouldn’t worry about exact feed amounts too much. It can make it much more stressful if you are constantly trying to reach a daily intake amount.
agree with the others, sleep in a different room when it’s your partners turn to feed at night. My partner & I do this for our 6mo… it’s the only way to get a really good sleep (make sure you have white noise / earplugs or else you’ll want to run in everytime you hear him cry!)
I’m sure your partner will wake up when the baby starts crying (vs fussing which you might be more tuned in on). Your partner needs to be able to look after the baby without you there, and you’ll only create a rod for your own back if you’re the only one able to look after the baby because he doesn’t do it ‘right’.

Hi OP. My DS was like your son. Only taking small amounts of formula at each feed and feeding very regularly through the night at five months. It turned out he had a tongue tie. Maybe get him checked out for this in case there’s a reason why he feeds like this. I’m sorry that you are going through this I remember it will and it’s very hard

You are tired, but yes yabu. If your husband is on the night shift he is the care provider - leave him to it.

Feeding your son every time he fusses is what's causing the problem. If he is hungry he will wake and let you know. As it is, you are disturbing his sleep and not allowing him to sleep through the night which he easily can at that age.

Edited to add, do get your son checked for tongue tie.

Doesn't sound so much like it's the baby fussing as the mother... Why are you feeding a baby that isn't fully awake, demanding to be fed? No wonder you're tired; just sleep until the baby firmly informs you they would like to be fed.

Are you in UK? This doesn’t sound right?

Regular visits from HV massively slow down as baby gets bigger but you should still be able to contact them with any questions till baby is a lot older. If you don’t have their contact details can you get them online or through GP?

Does he have a dummy? Might be looking to comfort suck rather than feed

I’m sorry I could not read all that but it sounds like he might benefit from some ground rice in his last night feed. It’s likely he’s waking due to hunger or habit at this stage so water down feeds at night he needs more food during the day

Sorry op. I understand the stress of having a first baby, but I’m not sure you’re doing yourself any favours with the constant feeding like this, that’s why he won’t eat much,he’s getting used to little amounts.

I think you were both overtired and stressed. And had one of those ridiculous wee small hour arguments due to it.

and you need to calm down with the feeding, don’t feed him every time he fusses, try fk stretch it out longer and longer, for your babies sake as well as both of yours. The baby is getting little sleep as they don’t take enough in a given feed and are getting used to feeding this way.

I’m afraid I’m in agreement with your husband on this.

You're both tired and being silly.

You are part of the problem.

I think YABU for you both, but is likely due to the exhaustion you’re facing. By 5 months your baby’s stomach should be able to hold far more than it is taking and breaks between feeding should be longer in duration as a result. In addition, your baby should be able to self soothe, but if you are feeding every time they fuss/stir in their sleep you aren’t giving them than chance, and if you are waking them to feed every time they stir then they aren’t getting the proper sleep they need for their brain development so actually holding them back as a result. You are also not allowing your child the chance to properly get hungry to therefore take in a proper feed (think your DP referenced this and he has a point).

You mention you weren’t aware of teat sizes - this is the first thing, to go up a teat size to see if this helps your baby take in more. In addition you should contact your health visitor for advice/infant feeding team if your local authority has one (HV shouldn’t have discharge you and is there to support until 5 years old in the UK typically).

If the above doesn’t work then I’d suggest a GP appointment for advice. As a PP mentioned, it could be tongue tie affecting them feeding them effectively, or something else that needs looking into. Or it could be his way of feeding due to feeding every time he stirs, but I think you definitely need some advice either way.

Hope this helps.

Try not seeing to him every time he stirs, he may drop back to sleep.

You need to find a way to communicate better with your husband because the tiredness isn't going away for a while! Generally you have to leave him to it, and if you have a spare room I would recommend you actually go there when it's his turn to do then night.

I agree with others that your 5 months old doesn't need to eat so frequently at night, at that age you want to give them a gentle nudge to eat less at night and more during the day.

My son was a bit similar to your baby, being unsettled rather than crying for milk. I know it was keeping me awake too to hear him moving and it was very frustrating, but he actually slept through the night very quickly when we moved him to his room at 6 months. I think we were disturbing him too, and he's never been able to sleep in the same room as us since.
He also was eating much less than the recommended amount, then a lot more when he got to 12 months old, then very little again later... It just varies depending on their growth phase.

If you're in the UK the HV won't have discharged at 6 weeks, the midwife will. You can call the health visitor any time up to 5 years of age.

I didn't FF so can't really advise on feeding, but the little-and-often feeds are entirely plausible IMO at that age - that's how it worked for me bf, so why there shouldn't be ff babies it works for I don't know.

I'm mainly posting to stress again, like some PPs, how dangerous it is to sleep with your baby on a sofa/sofa bed. Bedsharing in your own bed is safer, if you make sure they can't fall out or get wedged and clear duvets/pillows etc out of the way.

OP is feeding her baby responsively like you would if you were breastfeeding. Isn't that exactly the current guidance on bottle-feeding? I find it so odd that so many people are advising her to respond to the baby less or to push feeds later or push baby to eat more. This is a 5 month old! Mine were nowhere near sleeping through at 5 months!

That said, it's not really safe to sleep on the sofa with a baby, so he was right to stop you.

If you want him to do the night shift then I do think you'll have to sleep elsewhere. If he takes longer to respond and the baby is awake then he'll have to deal with that. His brain needs to know that he is in charge so that it tunes in. When we had a baby and toddler, DP was tuned into the toddler so I often didn't really hear her.

It's really hard to be nice to each other when you are horribly tired. It sounds like you are having one of those horrible tired arguments.

The baby is not waking up, though, just stirring.

Also, those of us who bottle fed know that the amounts the OP's 5 month old are drinking are way off. The OP didn't know about different flow teats needing to be used as the baby gets older. Leave this on e to the bottle feeders, who know what we're talking about.

She’s not breastfeeding and she can see the baby is taking small amounts. People are trying to help her.

If he works full time and then does the night shift on his days off he will also be exhausted.

I wonder if it would be better for you to continue doing all the night feeds, since you're waking up anyway, and for him to take the baby for several hours in his days off so you can sleep then.

There is a difference in crying and waking for a hungry baby and one just churning through sleep cycles. If she carries on as she is she will be training her babies body to always wake at that stage of sleep, and then she's in for a long ride of several years with a child who never sleeps.