Male staff in nursery’s

[Itsoneofthose]

Ok, hear me out.. I know this is controversial but today I was shown around a nursery for the first time. I’m dreading leaving my little one, only because I’ll miss her and worry about her. I don’t think my worry is out of proportion or anything like that though. But today I saw two male nursery nurses. Now, I know there are many men who are great with kids, and not all men are a threat to children (obviously) and women can also potentially pose a threat to children but I just don’t know how I feel about male nursery staff. Hmmm. I know I’ll be shot down in flames for this. Nursery’s are well regulated etc etc. I just can’t help feeling a bit uneasy about the whole thing. Has anyone else experienced these thoughts? AIBU

Connect it to the post I was replying to

They are working hands on with females.

All three of my children went to nursery. There was only ever one male employee and he was with the older children, so probably not doing intimate toilet care, and they loved him. He just brought a different energy. They were cared for by some wonderful women too.

Poor chap was beaten up a few times out and about at night. I think it was because he was a soft-hearted, caring kind of guy, and maybe people knew what he did for a living, I don't know. What I do know is that he loved what he did, and I trusted him implicitly, same as I did the other members of staff.

The nursery was run as a tight ship, and the owner was very hands on. I think you have to trust your childcare provider or it's not going to work. I would have been very surprised if any carer had had the opportunity to abuse a child in any way, no least because of how the rooms were laid out.

I had two awful childminders after that - the details only emerged over time - before finding a gem.

That was my "risk assessment".

And that is what it boils down to.

It is potentially more harmful for us to instill this level of fear into our children, helicopter parenting has done huge harm to the mental health of children. They are led to believe by their parents and social media that there is danger lurking round every corner, that the world is about to explode due to climate change and that a pandemic is coming which will kill us all. They are living with a constant 'fight or flight response'. That is not to say we need to ignore safeguarding, of course we don't. But there is a balance where we as parents risk assess and allow our children to take calculated risk, for the benefit of their mental wellbeing and development. Children who have attended scouts or guides have lower crime rates, better earnings, better mental health, because they learn that they can take risks, develop independence and get away from over protective parents watching their every move.

It's never going to happen though and threads like this demonstrate why.

Young men going into caring positions are treated like lepers and viewed as paedophiles by some!

Why "especially girls" anyway? Don't boys get sexually abused to? Or even 'just' abused?

You're being unreasonable. But then, you practically said as much in the OP. You list umpteen reasons why something isn't a problem then say that despite all of them you "just can't help feeling uneasy about it"? That sounds like a pretty clear-cut example of being unreasonable to me!

To put this into perspective a little, I have just started working at a nursery I worked at a few years ago. They know I have had safeguarding training (and all the other training) but it’s their requirement for all “new” staff to complete this.

I will be repeating all this training (even ones such as “how to care for babies” when I have my own young children) to make sure I am following all the correct policies and procedures.

Our training is regularly updated and anything added we have training on top.

Am I weird in feeling a bit meh about another woman handling my breasts for a mammogram for example? I had male obs and gynae and when I had surgery a few years ago it was also a male consultant.

Not sure if I would feel differently if it was a man though, never experienced it!

I guess I just am not keen on having my boobs slapped on a machine like a piece of meat! I don't think I care who does it!

I'm actually finding the number of people on this thread saying, "my child is at a nursery with male workers and they are incredible/my child adores them" etc is giving me this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Please don't think that just because someone seems nice that they aren't a potential risk to your child. My EXH was a prison officer who used to say that it terrified him that the nicest and most charming men he worked with, often turned out to be paedophiles or the ones who had carried out the worst crimes. They knew how to behave to get people to trust them. The man who abused me was my childminder's husband, she was recommended to my mum by my aunt who was a social worker and who told my mum that the childminder and her husband were a lovely couple and my cousins loved them. They had watched my cousins and many of my aunt's social worker colleagues' children but he did not abuse any of their children. For whatever reason he chose me and my brother. Being nice and having children dote on you is not necessarily an indication that your child is safe with that person.

So sorry to hear your history @Jiminyilgrillo

This is exactly what I have also witnessed. I think many people just don't understand how very good at manipulation people that want to get near children are. They are highly skilled in appearing so friendly, so respectable, so trustworthy.
So good - no-one can see it. No one would ever suspect it. There are very few warning signs, often none at all.

Exactly. If someone wants to abuse another person, they’ll often be nice to gain their trust and the trust of those around them. If they were horrible, young kids and others would keep away from them. Being nice also means that if an accusation is made, people doubt it and think it can’t be true, it all works in the abusers favour. They’re not stupid.

I viewed a local nursery years ago for my dd. As soon as I saw a guy working there, I decided not to send her. It just wouldn't have worked for me.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

I'm happy with my risk assessment. If I went strictly by statistics then my children would never be left alone with a man and the risk would obviously be lower but they'd also miss out on so many positive relationships with male role models so the benefits out way the risks for me.

I don't think that makes me naïve, I just don't want my children to live in fear that every single man is a threat. It is more males but it isn't most males and the risk is still low.

The same young man that will be a good father who plays with his children when he has them?

Had two men my son's age grappling my boobs for radiotherapy whilst laying half naked on a table and not able to move daily for 4 weeks. A male midwife. Male GPS doing internals.

There were no male staff at our Nursery but the Male teachers at our Primary School were superb.

Just wow. It’s only seen as that because that’s what society decided. Why are men any different from women here?

I'm sorry that happened to you - it's absolutely bloody awful.

We can't live our lives in fear though. I experienced low level sexual abuse from several men in a part-time job I had while I was at school/uni. Basically felt up by various men who were all married with children, and I was 16/17. I wish I could go back in time and knee them in the goolies!! Men well regarded in their local communities, one a relative.

I still refuse to regard all men as predators though. Most really aren't. There's most likely a proportion of men who get into caring professions for their access to women/children. We all know that. There's also genuine men whose vocation is to care for people. It's not fair or right to tar them all with the same brush.

I never once felt the one man who cared for any of my children to be a threat to them, because I trusted the nursery, I trusted the owner and I trusted the staff that I knew. They didn't let me down.

That's bollocks!

What difference is there in a young man wanting to make it his career any more than a young woman?

Ridiculous prejudice!

Why shouldn't men be doing that kind of job?

If we're going to say we can't trust people who seem nice were are truly **ed.

There's a tiny minority of weirdos in the world and I'm sorry one harmed you. But the rest of us can't live lives assuming everyone is going to harm us and our children. We just have to chance it and the vast majority of us aren't harmed, because most people are good.

I'm sincerely sorry for what happened to you and your brother. I can't imagine the pain.

Does that mean that there are jobs that women shouldn't be doing?