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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father’s behaviour towards child

114 replies

Questions112 · 07/01/2025 20:47

Posting for traffic.

I am after some quick opinions on a situation this evening.

4 year old was in the bathroom before bed, and ‘D’P decided it would be funny to lock them in from outside. I asked him not to but was ignored. Unsurprisingly, 4YO got upset and cried when they realised they couldn’t open the door (they could have unlocked it from inside, but panicked).

4YO ran straight to me afterwards as they knew DP had locked the door. DP then told them they weren’t a baby anymore and should think about the situations they are in and not cry (to clarify - DC IS FOUR YEARS OLD!).

I’m just left with a really bad feeling and don’t know if I am overreacting.

YABU - totally fine and normal behaviour from DP
YANBU - not normal and cruel

OP posts:
ThatEllie · 08/01/2025 00:33

Why is he tormenting a four year-old? What sort of lunatic does that??

HoundsOfHelfire · 08/01/2025 03:56

stunts are only funny if both people find the stunt funny. Your son didn’t find it funny, therefore it wasn’t a joke, it was unkind mean behaviour. Does your DH do this sort of thing often?

AnarchismUK · 08/01/2025 04:02

...and that is how phobias begin...what an absolute cunt!

fallingupwards · 08/01/2025 07:20

If he's not the father, you need to immediately get rid of him. Awful bullying behaviour and a very warped explanation about not crying. If he is the father can you talk to him at all about this? Can you get help/counselling? If you leave he obviously gets access to do whatever he likes when you're not there and the courts are still hung up on the parental alienation trope that would be thrown at you. I hope this is a deeply worrying one off that you can manage if he is the father. I'm sorry for you and your son.

Rewindpresse · 08/01/2025 07:51

What an absolute prick. Bullying a 4 year old. This hasn’t come from nowhere has it? Is this part of a wider pattern of abuse towards you or your child? You must take it seriously, quite apart from the fact it’s a nasty thing to do I would worry about your safety.

Maray1967 · 08/01/2025 07:55

You should have threatened your H with the police as soon as he did it.

And yes, I’d probably lock the bastard out of the house today. Unless he is totally contrite, I would leave him. No man does that to my child.

bombastix · 08/01/2025 08:02

I wouldn't accept any contrition. This guy sounds like a bastard who enjoys scaring kids. Child already knows he's nasty as ran straight to the mother.

Limer · 08/01/2025 08:09

@Questions112 I’m just left with a really bad feeling and don’t know if I am overreacting.

You are under-reacting. Protect your poor child. It's horrifying that his own father is abusing him while you stand by and accept "being ignored".

DorothyStorm · 08/01/2025 09:12

I think the fact you are asking this question means he also bullies you as you dont know what is normal anymore.

toomuchfaff · 08/01/2025 14:41

Mopsy567 · 07/01/2025 20:54

That's incredibly mean. Your child might get nervous using the bathroom again with his idiot dad around.

Maybe you and DC could lock your partner somewhere and just tell him to grow up when he shouts to be let out?

Very good point, queue another post in 6 weeks time where a previously continent child is now wetting themselves and refusing to toilet.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/01/2025 15:03

He's a horrible man and a terrible father. What did you say to your DH?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/01/2025 15:07

That is very, very abusive of him, not just unreasonable.

Thats a lifelong phobia of being enclosed in spaces started right there for your dd, which (as I have one from being locked in a shed by a neighbouring teenager as a child “for a laugh”) is no joke to manage through life. I can’t even take a window seat on a train or plane, or a middle seat, and have had a life of people not accepting that from me as a woman.

I would show your dd at least that this is incredibly serious, that her boundaries and need not be “teased” in such a horrific way are to be taken seriously, and get this man out of your life.

ByBusyTiger · 08/01/2025 15:09

Sorry but I would never allow a person like that near my child. WTH, locking a four year old in a bathroom is foul because a baby cannot understand. I’d honestly leave someone like that.

ByBusyTiger · 08/01/2025 15:19

The fact that you ask if you’re overreacting tells me you’re used to it. You shouldn’t be. Get your child away from that monster

Lyra87 · 08/01/2025 15:24

Your DP is a bully. Your poor DC, this will probably get worse as your DC gets older unless it's stopped now. You need to protect your DC.

DemelzaandRoss · 08/01/2025 15:25

What an absolutely horrible, horrible person.
Can think of nothing positive to say.
Please remove him from your life as soon as you are able.
No second chances.

Ppzd · 08/01/2025 15:41

AnxietyLevelMax · 07/01/2025 21:10

This is really disturbing OP.

my 4 year old locked himself in a bathroom at my friend’s house and the lock got stuck…coincidence and no one’s fault but it took us good 10 mins to break the lock and open the door. He was hysterical. It really shook him up and it took me some time to calm him down. I dont know why anyone would find it funny and do it as a joke? Let alone a father, grown man to
a child? Really disturbing.

have you noticed this kind of behaviour before?

I think if it had been a similar situation to this one (accidentally locked in) and only after the child is out of that room and has been comforted and is calm, it can be helpful to tell them "it was really scary, wasn't it? You're 4 now and you know how to unlock, so trust yourself. You can do it! If it happens again, try not to be scared and try and remember how to unlock." But what your DP did was such a cuntish thing to do! Poor little kid!

WitchesCauldron · 08/01/2025 15:50

Questions112 · 07/01/2025 20:47

Posting for traffic.

I am after some quick opinions on a situation this evening.

4 year old was in the bathroom before bed, and ‘D’P decided it would be funny to lock them in from outside. I asked him not to but was ignored. Unsurprisingly, 4YO got upset and cried when they realised they couldn’t open the door (they could have unlocked it from inside, but panicked).

4YO ran straight to me afterwards as they knew DP had locked the door. DP then told them they weren’t a baby anymore and should think about the situations they are in and not cry (to clarify - DC IS FOUR YEARS OLD!).

I’m just left with a really bad feeling and don’t know if I am overreacting.

YABU - totally fine and normal behaviour from DP
YANBU - not normal and cruel

Nasty. Hope your little one is ok

Original poster
Questions112 · 08/01/2025 15:53

Thanks for all responses (even the ones blaming me), I have read them all ❤️

NC for this post, as some of you guessed, this is not an isolated incident. However this is the first one directed at DD, it’s usually me in the firing line. I just wanted some objective opinions with no back story.

You have all cemented in my mind what needs to happen in the very near future.

OP posts:
Penguinfeet24 · 08/01/2025 15:58

How he reacts when he's chewed out for it would determine what I did. If he was capable of accepting that was out of line, apologising to your son and never does it again then I would give him one hell of a row but I'd let it lie afterwards. If he continues to minimise your sons distress I'd kick him to the kerb and tell him never to darken my doorstep again.

Mnaamn · 08/01/2025 16:04

Awful behaviour.
Not normal.
He's a bully.
Poor child.

Original poster
Questions112 · 08/01/2025 16:12

Penguinfeet24 · 08/01/2025 15:58

How he reacts when he's chewed out for it would determine what I did. If he was capable of accepting that was out of line, apologising to your son and never does it again then I would give him one hell of a row but I'd let it lie afterwards. If he continues to minimise your sons distress I'd kick him to the kerb and tell him never to darken my doorstep again.

He is convinced it’s perfectly normal behaviour and doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He accused me of trying to turn DD against him as she has a complete preference for me and often says ‘Daddy is mean’. I never badmouth him to her at any point. He can’t seem to see it’s his behaviour that causes it.

OP posts:
Technonan · 08/01/2025 16:21

Were you not able to stop him? A father who thought this would be funny or a useful lesson is worrying, but if he went ahead when you were trying to stop him doing this - that is even more seriously worrying. Major red flags.

Original poster
Questions112 · 08/01/2025 16:40

Technonan · 08/01/2025 16:21

Were you not able to stop him? A father who thought this would be funny or a useful lesson is worrying, but if he went ahead when you were trying to stop him doing this - that is even more seriously worrying. Major red flags.

I did say it was a horrible thing to do, and would give her a phobia for life - unfortunately I didn’t have anything to hand to unlock it once he’d done it (it’s one of the safety locks you can open from outside with a coin).

OP posts:
Wallacewhite · 08/01/2025 16:46

That is a man enjoying sadistic power and control over a four year old child. Unless this was a completely out of character brain fart that he is deeply remorseful for, it is only likely to escalate.