Please help me to sit on my hands and not write this message.

[FlamingGalar]

My eldest DD split up with her boyfriend of five years in the summer. She had introduced him to her friendship group from school and he and his friends became part of this group and they all hung out together, went to parties etc.

The last year of the relationship was pretty awful for my DD. Her boyfriend would drink too much and become verbally abusive towards both her and other friends in the group. He would push her around and although he didn’t actually hit her, she became pretty scared of his unpredictability when he was drunk. She didn’t talk to us about this until they had split up. We saw a placid and sweet, if a little sad at times, guy that we had grown to love and care about as a family.

His mental health took a decline in the last two years they were together and we helped him to find a counsellor and gave him as much support as we could at this time. He was reluctant to talk to his parents and we did what we could to help while maintaining an appropriate amount of distance. We also encouraged him to talk to his parents which he ultimately did in the end, and they were very supportive and helpful when he opened up to them.

DDs female friends would tell her she needed to split up with him constantly toward the end. They saw this destructive behaviour from him and were at the receiving end of it many times. They were concerned for DD and the effect it was having on her. So in the summer DD had got to breaking point and broke the relationship off.

Since then DDs friendship group from school has completely ostracised her. Her closest friend dating back to primary school (and the most vocal about the relationships toxicity) has stopped messaging her and coming round. We were very close to her as a family and supported her through the toughest of times. I have taken her to hospital appointments and out for lunch afterwards for example. She’s been to family celebrations throughout the years and has basically been a part of our family since my DD became friends with her at the age of five.

My DD is devastated that her closest friend has sided with her ex, knowing all the details about how he was towards her during their relationship. There are constant posts of the friend and ex out together on social media. Just those two and as part of the wider friendship group. There was radio silence from her at Christmas and new year. There is no romantic involvement or interest from either side, I know that 100% so it’s utterly baffling. My DD has no friends to celebrate her upcoming 21st with and is understandably confused and very upset. I can’t help but feel really disappointed with this girl we have known and been close to as a whole family for so long, but I know I need to maintain a healthy distance from this situation.

I so desperately want to message her and tell her hurtful her behaviour has been towards my daughter and supposed best friend, but I know this is being far too involved in my daughters business. But it’s no exaggeration to say that my DD is devastated by this sudden withdrawal of friendship and she’s so so lonely right now. I’ve advised her to unfollow all of them on social media so she can’t see their posts, but she’s yet to do this. I won’t write this message to her but I really really want to!!

I guess what I’m asking for is some reinforcement from the wise mumsnetters to remind me of why this would be a bad idea, because my fingers are hovering over the keys right now.

Thank you for reading to the end of a ridiculously long post. As I write this I realise how overly invested I seem. I’m just so sad for my DD and disappointed in her friend’s choices.

she can celebrate with her bf, doe s she have any cousins etc that she's close to that right come around?

alternatively a big holiday is always nice for a birthday and doesn't need a big group to seem fun.

Sad that girls would rather stick with a guy they know is shit just for proximity but expected at that age unfortunately

You sound lovely OP. Well done for being the kind of parent your daughter feels safe to confide in. I think your instincts not to send the letter are right. If I were your daughter and you did something like that I would be cross and maybe avoid talking to you about my problems in the future.

Just on the counsellor note - do follow that up and maybe see if a group dynamics class is available too (poss thru uni)

replies here may vary between “she’s only 21 and whole life ahead” to “21 sure that’s grown up enough to cope”

getting a handle on interpersonal relationships and group dynamics now will be forever useful in both personal and work life

we are never to young or too old to start learning about how to navigate interacting with other people

this horrible time could be a really valuable pivot point for your DD as similar was for PP upthread

I think you are being very naive if you beleive that things haven't developed between these two arseholes.
Just support your daughter, don't write to her friend, it's something your daughter will learn from.

Definitely shagging

Your DD hurt is understandable OP. The fact her friendship? group are behaving like this writing to one of them would add fuel to the fire & indeed they would probably all take pleasure in the fact it's done what it was intended to do.I think I'd be more likely to kill the situation with kindness. I would write to her & say how sorry I am that the group feel hurt by the split but given the history I hope they understand I couldn't take anymore. Something along those lines.

I have to say I agree with PP OP. And you might not like it.

I'll give an example because parents can be oblivious to what is really going on, they only ever hear their child's side of the 'argument' or situation.

My DD in Year 6 was treated horribly by two other girls in her class, let's call them A and B.

I know the mum of girl A very well. She lives very close to me and we see each other all the time. Since our girls left primary school we've become good friends.

She's asked my DD to her house many times when she has little gatherings of parents and friends. But would my DD want to go to her house? Not on your life. Her daughter, girl A will be at that house and my DD does not want to mix or spend any time with her at all.

My friend, Mum of girl A is mystified as to why my DD doesn't want to come.

I've never told her how horrible her daughter girl A was to my DD or girl B for that matter, who is also part of the Mum friendship group I'm now in. They would probably be stunned to hear the mean horrible things their DD said to my DD.

My DD is on the spectrum so she doesn't lie and just gets hurt sadly, much of the time.

However, girl of Mum A had a massive falling out with another DM because that DM did tell her how mean her DD was being to her DD. So she started to get an inkling and would occasionally say "well our daughters aren't all perfect are they, they are still learning".

Girl A and Girl B were mean but their DMs knew nothing of it, not really. They thought it's just one girl, one isolated incident whereas actually they were mean to everyone, but particuarly to my DD.

You don't really know for sure what your DD has been doing or saying. You only hear her side.

I'm not saying this is your DD and it does sound like her BF has been very unpleasant. But it's just to be wary of taking sides. Let them work it out. Stay out of it. Be there to pick up the pieces. Don't intefere. Karma has a way I find of sorting many people out, often. Not always, but often. I hope the counsellor is good and helps her find her self-esteem and better boundaries in future. It sounds like it went on far too long.

Support your daughter but do not get involved. She's an adult and needs to navigate these situations on her own.

Different circumstances, but my daughter went through similar aged 17 to 19. My rage at this former friend was off the scale, especially as I knew the parents well. I confess I was full of rage and wanted to text her/her mum. Instead I admit I just bitched about this girl to friends who did not know who she was and I vented and they let me. My daughter wasn’t angry, just hurt and devastated.

Several years on, they now get on again. I admit that deep down I haven’t forgiven her for the absolutely nasty things she said to my daughter and the effect on my girl’s confidence. But I am glad now that I said nothing.

Going to also add that it’s worth considering that if the ex was manipulative and controlling that of course he’ll have honed in on your dd’s best friend

especially if she has had a traumatic childhood that may have left her vulnerable to being groomed charmed

so vitriol towards her might not be the best use of energy - could be in a few months time she will be in the position your dd was in prior to Christmas - only without her best friend in the picture at all

nice and isolated, just how abusers prefer, along with a big dash of self-loathing/guilt that she doesn’t deserve any better bc of her actions towards your dd

Agree with this. I think there’s more to this than you know. I suspect the friend does have feelings for the boyfriend. In you shoes I think I would tell your dd that this is not what real friends do- they all sound v immature and she did the right think breaking up with someone who behaved and bullied her. Show her threads on here of women married to alcoholic ms, kids etc, trapped. That’s what she has avoided for herself and should be congratulated in doing so! can you do something fabulous with her? A lovely holiday the two of you? Or weekend shopping and lunch etc. Stand by her side and keep lifting her up. lots of luck x

No, keep out. The former friend has got involved with the ex - and will regret it. She's currently coping with feelings for him, guilt over how she's treated her friend plus jealousy that they were in a relationship once, and the fallout from how he'll be behaving towards her. Leave them both to it.

Focus on your daughter.

She's a still very young adult and she will make new friends, have other relationships.

Help her deal with this sadness and disappointment in their behaviour - and be there as she moves on. It's temporary.

It sounds very much like your DD will be better off without this girl in the long term.

Don't romanticise the issue of "cherished childhood school friend". Just because someone is a long time friend, it doesn't mean they are a good friend. It sounds like friend's behaviour has not always been great, but your dd/you have smoothed this over. Sorry to be blunt, but cut the disloyal bitch loose and be happy about it.

This is a really good point.

Abusers often groom the network around the person OP so many of your daughters friends may still be enthralled by him. Abusers often have an eye on someone new if they know a relationship is doomed and they are experts at finding those who are vulnerable.

I think in a way it doesn’t matter how they were behaving as children and teens they are adults now, they’ve changed and they make their own conscious choices. So whatever happens your daughter won’t get her lovely childhood friends back they don’t exist any more.
Your writing or saying something will just show “the gang” that they do matter for your daughter and she cares about their presence in her life, it will show how important they are. No, no, no. Just ignore them and get on with your life, don’t give them satisfaction that they are important somehow as they are not.

I'm sorry that your daughter is suffering. Would she feel better if you took her away for a holiday on her 21st instead?

I can see the temptation op. My dd is 16 and her now former friend (friends from age 4) has treated her abysmally and said the most dreadful and inexcusable things about dd to her. Real abuse and cyber bullying. I haven’t gone to the family or spoken to her, much as I’ve wanted to, especially as she’s made herself out to be the victim when all dd did was go out with a boy the now ex friend fancied. She has finally just apologised 4 months on but this changes nothing. This isn’t the first time. But it is the most vicious. Some things cannot be undone.

If I see her in the street I will acknowledge her. But I will not talk to her. Should she attempt to talk to me, I will refuse and tell her she knows why. Would this be helpful for you to do the same op?

Have her ex, ex best friend and that group remained at home and not gone to uni ? I was on the receiving end of similar treatment when I went to Uni. Sort of reverse snobbery.

It happens.
I used to date a horrible guy in secondary school. I became friends withthis girl who also knew him. She kept on encouraging me to break up, and when I did, she became friends with him and stopped talking to me.

I dont think it's that hard to get. Sometimes bullies are very charismatic, and sometimes it's easier to side with the strong bully than with a weaker victim- especially if you alsodont want to be at the receiving end of the bullying once you sided with the other side.

How do you know for sure there is no romantic involvement, do you look under their sheets at night? The may fancy him without shouting about it from the rooftop.

The friend is a major bitch and probably encouraged your daughter to end it as she was jealous of your daughter and fancied your daughters ex.

Some women are willing to overlook some pretty terrible behaviour from men in order to date them as they are desperate and insecure.

You say their not together but they are probably sleeping together.

Your daughter needs to spend time with other friends;unfortunately it would seem some women still act like bitchy teenage playground bullies.

I agree that this sounds highly likely. It is a hard life lesson for your DD to learn. You could explain that people who behave like this haven't really grown up and aren't real friends. They are nice to people that are of use to them and let others go that are not so useful - so they are "users". She will make better friends at Uni and throughout life and will soon realise that "real" friends like you for yourself; you're not of use to them and you don't have to try to impress them either.

As time goes on, she will hopefully finish her degree and move into the world of work where she will make more new friends. She may move to a different area as well. In the meantime, please encourage her to try some new activities or hobbies or go and stay with other relatives or friends if she is finding it lonely at home. I agree with lots of PPs who have recommended a nice holiday or trip for her 21st. Depending upon budget she could go with her friends from Uni and/or her new boyfriend. It's quite a nice adult thing to do.

Definitely don't contact the ex-best friend in any way, particularly in writing. If you do happen to cross paths with her, you can either look straight ahead and "not see" her or eyeball her directly with your best resting bitch face on. Either way, you won't need to say a word and she will understand perfectly. I'd go with not seeing her directly in front of you as it shows her that she is now insignificant to you.

After a few weeks, you could casually point out to your DD how much calmer and nicer things are now the ex-friend and ex boyfriend are no longer part of her life with their constant dramas. Over time, she may feel some relief that the drama has reduced.