Please help me to sit on my hands and not write this message.

[FlamingGalar]

My eldest DD split up with her boyfriend of five years in the summer. She had introduced him to her friendship group from school and he and his friends became part of this group and they all hung out together, went to parties etc.

The last year of the relationship was pretty awful for my DD. Her boyfriend would drink too much and become verbally abusive towards both her and other friends in the group. He would push her around and although he didn’t actually hit her, she became pretty scared of his unpredictability when he was drunk. She didn’t talk to us about this until they had split up. We saw a placid and sweet, if a little sad at times, guy that we had grown to love and care about as a family.

His mental health took a decline in the last two years they were together and we helped him to find a counsellor and gave him as much support as we could at this time. He was reluctant to talk to his parents and we did what we could to help while maintaining an appropriate amount of distance. We also encouraged him to talk to his parents which he ultimately did in the end, and they were very supportive and helpful when he opened up to them.

DDs female friends would tell her she needed to split up with him constantly toward the end. They saw this destructive behaviour from him and were at the receiving end of it many times. They were concerned for DD and the effect it was having on her. So in the summer DD had got to breaking point and broke the relationship off.

Since then DDs friendship group from school has completely ostracised her. Her closest friend dating back to primary school (and the most vocal about the relationships toxicity) has stopped messaging her and coming round. We were very close to her as a family and supported her through the toughest of times. I have taken her to hospital appointments and out for lunch afterwards for example. She’s been to family celebrations throughout the years and has basically been a part of our family since my DD became friends with her at the age of five.

My DD is devastated that her closest friend has sided with her ex, knowing all the details about how he was towards her during their relationship. There are constant posts of the friend and ex out together on social media. Just those two and as part of the wider friendship group. There was radio silence from her at Christmas and new year. There is no romantic involvement or interest from either side, I know that 100% so it’s utterly baffling. My DD has no friends to celebrate her upcoming 21st with and is understandably confused and very upset. I can’t help but feel really disappointed with this girl we have known and been close to as a whole family for so long, but I know I need to maintain a healthy distance from this situation.

I so desperately want to message her and tell her hurtful her behaviour has been towards my daughter and supposed best friend, but I know this is being far too involved in my daughters business. But it’s no exaggeration to say that my DD is devastated by this sudden withdrawal of friendship and she’s so so lonely right now. I’ve advised her to unfollow all of them on social media so she can’t see their posts, but she’s yet to do this. I won’t write this message to her but I really really want to!!

I guess what I’m asking for is some reinforcement from the wise mumsnetters to remind me of why this would be a bad idea, because my fingers are hovering over the keys right now.

Thank you for reading to the end of a ridiculously long post. As I write this I realise how overly invested I seem. I’m just so sad for my DD and disappointed in her friend’s choices.

If it's a case of him being manipulative and showing the friends his charming face, there's nothing she can do but step away and let it come out in time, or not. I know that isn't very satisfying but unfortunately it's likely the only form of satisfaction she'll get.

I was involved in a similarly friendship-group-rupturing episode when I was about 22. It was agony. I couldn't believe how quickly some of my girl friends turned, while they chose to keep someone whose behaviour had been demonstrably terrible in the group. I was living with them at the time and became homeless because of it! I honestly think it was just easier to cut me out. I wasn't a very dominating presence. I would never have made a scene. Meanwhile he was the life of the party, charismatic, persistent. He'd have charmed them round and I was willing to step back after what they'd done.

This was 15 years ago and weirdly in the last few years several of those girls - who I've seen socially since - have attempted to befriend me again and expressed their guilt at how they treated me. So I think it will probably eat away at your daughter's friend's, if not now then down the line. They are likely to be choosing the path of least resistance. Shit for your daughter - incredibly shit - but for me it was actually a positive moment for me to reinvent myself a little, do things I might not have otherwise, cultivate new friendships and hobbies. It hurt a lot but the steps I took afterwards put me on a trajectory I'll never regret, which took me to the career and friends I have now. So I hope your daughter finds the same in time. Don't send the message (I know you know this). Just be your daughter's staunch and steady supporter, reaffirm her worth and loveableness. Give her a solid base from which to rebuild.

These people were not meant to be your daughters friends as she moves into adulthood.

true friends are loyal and respectful. Real friends wouldn’t allow someone they cared about to be on the outside when they were the one being treated badly.

these people gave her what she needed in the years they were growing up but she doesn’t want these people moving forward because they can’t be trusted to treat her the way she deserves.

she will find her new tribe and one day she will look back and be grateful they aren’t in her life anymore.

all of that while true doesn’t mean it’s not perfectly normal that it’s painful or that she might miss and grieve the loss, maybe even in some ways years from now but that’s part of being human and the acuteness will fade.

your job is to hold her hand through it and help her with her resilience so she can get to a place where it’s ok again because it will be! She just needs that pointed out to her.

life is long, not everyone will be with us forever and that’s okay. It’s especially okay when it turns out they show themselves to not deserve a place in our lives anymore.

You mention your DD is at uni. Are any of the others? I wonder if this might be an underlying issue? Maybe some deepseated jealousy? Or just a sense that 'she's changed'. Which she more than likely has, probably for the better. But just wondering if that might have always been bubbling away under the surface?

That sounds like a horribly painful time for you and I’m sorry you had to do through that.

It’s good to hear it was ultimately a positive turning point for you and I very much hope it will be the same for my daughter. She doesn’t suffer fools and has been let down in the past by friends, and doesn’t look back. But this is the first time it’s been by someone she saw as truly meaningful in her life. Thank you for the reassurance it will get better. I’m so glad it did for you.

I think the issue is more with her DD's former closest friend who OP has known since childhood and who the whole family supported when she was going through tough times. I think OP and her DD expected more loyalty, which while it may be unrealistic, I understand OP's disappointment.

Most of them are also at uni. The ones that aren’t are definitely a little jealous of new people the others are meeting and the lives the uni goers are living right now. They are very much clinging on to the group and this probably does play a part in it all.

I don't think about it often these days but I found the confusion and heartbreak of losing very cherished friendships to be far worse than any romantic breakup I've had. I think often as a society we don't really recognise that. Onwards and upwards to your poor daughter x

I don’t think it would matter if there were romantic ties between the ex and your DD’s friendship group. I think that girls that age will sometimes do what is best for the group and their social life’s. A group of girls being intertwined with a group of men - whether they’re good looking, smart, charismatic, the right social class or only one of those things - is advantageous for the group. It means they have a wider group and social capital - those boys have friends and acquaintances and so forth. I think it’s opportunistic because their social life’s, connections have such an influence on how fun their youth is/ life and quality of dating prospects. I think they’ll do what’s good for the group too and this would be the same of women any age in a cliquey group. If they have to lose one to keep things orderly and nice they will.

I think you’re a really good Mum. Also think that regardless of ‘opportunities’ these friends are flakey and superficial. Celebrate 21st at her 22nd it’s just a number. This right now is a hard time and about rebuilding with family support,’

Your DD can emerge from this better off, she was eventually going to find out the substance of these people, better sooner rather than later. Better now than before they all settle down and have kids at the same time. Your DD needs to take this opportunity to turn her life around, travel or try new hobbies and meet a new set of friends.

I personally believe these things happen for a reason, they’ve showed you all who they really are, maybe God or the universe if you believe has pushed your daughter onto a new path because there are better people
wnd things meant for her.

It’s such a hard lesson for your DD, especially with her 21st looming, but life will be full of hard lessons, many could be much worse.

Focus on helping her look at the positive aspects of turning a new page and starting fresh.

Do not message the friend, she is still young too and may well come back to apologise in a few months.

DS went through a horrible time, many friends who ostracised him at the time came back and made profuse apologies six months later. Leave the space for that to happen.

Sounds like the friendship has high potential to implode then. So your DD will be ahead of the others if that does happen. It might be that some of the friends come back (if she wants them). But for now she has a lovely boyfriend. Maybe remind her to make sure she isn't just entirely dependent on him and is out there making new friends at uni. She will never have so many opportunities to meet new people and try new things as now, so tell her to make the most of it. The old friends seem stuck in a secondary school mindset and she is better off out of it. It's painful now, but she will be better for it.

She is at uni and has a new boyfriend but she’s "so, so lonely"? From your first post I imagined the poor girl was sitting at home crying every evening, completely friendless.

I feel for her and understand it’s hard but she has the opportunity to make a completely new and maybe more worthwhile set of friends.

The Mean Girls phenomenon extends well into adulthood I find . These girls are still quite young and boys that age are dumb . I know how you feel as I saw it happen to my daughter too. Like you I was tempted to go in swinging. But don't bother . You never know perhaps the girls will reconcile some time.

Do not focus on this girls lack of integrity. Your dd will be able to move on with new friends that will stand by her op, think of it as a blessing in disguise.

I would be planning a lovely 21st in London, Rome or Paris for her. Don’t attempt a party, a weekend away or holiday would be best in these circumstances.

Has your dd had some counselling since? She needs to get to to the root of why this man was allowed to stay in her life as long as he did.

I had a friend like this, same age, and she apologised and tried to rebuild our friendship a few years later. I accepted the apology with good grace but didn’t want her as a friend again. I’m sure at some point this girl will realise what she has lost.

Yes she is lonely. A new boyfriend isn’t a substitute for a cherished childhood friend. He has definitely been helping her through this, but she misses her old friends. And he doesn’t live locally so he isn’t here to fill the void all the time.

Thank you I’m sure I will in time.

She has a brilliant counsellor thank goodness. Although I will remind her to make another appointment as I think it’s been a while.

Quite possibly.

What a lovely thread. It's so painful watching our teenage / young adult children navigating their way to adulthood and nice to see so many empathic posters sharing their experiences.

You've had some excellent advice OP - wishing your daughter (and you) well for what happens in the future.

I think this. Has your daughter tried to meet up with any of the friends? Maybe she could arrange a coffee to clear the air and find out what's going on? Have they actually declared a fall out? I hope things improve.

DO NOT MESSAGE HER. It's completely unreasonable.

You think you have the full picture of what's gone on but you don't. You only know what your daughter has shared with you.

There may be other complications your daughter has chosen not to share with you. There may very well be challenging things going on in the friend's life that you have no idea about.

Completely understand where you are coming from but absolutely do not send that message. Stay out of it as much as possible apart from comforting and supporting your own daughter. She has to navigate her way through this herself. Your role is to support her doing that not to step in yourself. People can be shit and that's the bottom line. Most people will go through something in life where someone they thought had their back deserts them. Sadly it's happening to her now. It's so hard to watch your child go through this. But just help her to avoid bitterness and resentment.. encourage her to make new friends and move forward. Her future is an adventure. There will be friends and lovers out there who will treat her much better than this and she shouldn't settle for les.