How much is too much?

[Madderrad]

I have three kids who all live locally. None have kids of their own yet. Just about the only time we get together for a meal is Xmas, and only then alternate Xmas as they also spend Christmas day with their father.

In a fit of familial goodwill I suggested that perhaps we could have a Sunday lunch together once a month. This was met with universal outrage where I was told I was being completely unreasonable. One son said weekends were for seeing his friends (so clearly a few hours with Mum once a month was out of the question).

I feel both angry and hurt about this. Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding? What to do other families deem reasonable?

Going from once every two years to once a month is quite a change! What about starting with once a quarter?

Do your DC get on with one another and do you see them separately apart from this?

Do you only see them once a year or once a year altogether??

Yes, start small. And as a pp said, do they get on?

I think that's a lovely idea. Did they all say no? Could u not just invite them all and see who can make it. If they find once a month a bit much what about once every 2-3 months.

I wouldn't advertise a schedule at this point. Just invite them all out/around for lunch once a month on a day that suits you. If they come long, great, if they don't, perhaps it's time to explore why they don't want to spend time with you.

Ooof. I wouldn't want to be tied to a mandatory, expected monthly Sunday dinner with anyone. It would feel very restricting. Most people have busy lives and want the weekends to relax, chill, be alone, see friends, do hobbies etc. it could quickly become a resented burden.

YABU to try and set up a monthly scheduled meal, it sounds quite controlling. I would just maybe arrange and invite them to more ad hoc meals as and when. They can accept or decline depending on plans.

Planning a monthly lunch for all 3 kids and their partners is a hiding to nothing because they will all be making plans and not wanting to stick to a rigid schedule.

Surely you see eachother seperately?

You could start with you and their dad's birthdays for group gatherings

Plus a lot of adult siblings have no interest in seeing eachother but may suck it up a few times a year for the sake of family - they won't necessarily have that goodwill on a monthly basis!

How about when it's someone's birthday? That (and Christmas) is the only time we all get together as we all lead busy lives, shift workers etc.

I too am a bit confused- you only see them ALL together once a year, or you only see any of them once a year???

I'd hate a specific schedule too! I'd prefer ad hoc invites with plenty of notice. But- We also invite the in-laws (we have 2 sets) to our house for a meal or to a restaurant every so often. Not monthly though.

If they don’t have children yet yes I can see why they don’t want to commit to giving up one weekend day a month. They are young and I assume work or study full time so their weekends are precious and I’m sure they have fuck social lives.

It sounds like poor effort on everyone’s behalf. Why don’t you get together for birthdays? This is the guaranteed time that I get to see my family throughout the year.

Expecting young people to put aside a good part of Sunday every month, is way out

It won't be 2 hours, it'll be more than that and every MONTH? Crazy

Go for 3 times a year as your starting point

Just start with a one off thing every quarter or something.

If you’re working full time, most of your time is scheduled already so committing to regular weekend plans isn’t that appealing.

Monthly would be too often for me, especially without kids whrn you have a busy social life and freedom to travel. We used to meet up for family birthdays and a few other specific occasions through the year, plus Christmas, and that seemed enough. I'd find meals at someone's house all the time quite boring - I'd be more interested in meeting up to do an activity like seeing an exhibition, a show, or eating out.

How about just inviting them on ad-hoc dates, either together or one by one? I wouldn’t commit to a monthly Sunday meeting for the foreseeable, but I do try to see my mum as often as possible. I wouldn’t turn down an invitation if I was free, but I wouldn’t book up my calendar 6 months in advance - same as I wouldn’t for friends either.

I think that what other people do is irrelevant. I see my kids multiple times a week and all together at least weekly unless someone is away, but that's because we have always had a very close relationship and we make it a priority to see each other because we want to, not because we should. If that's not the dynamic you have with your kids you can't suddenly create a schedule to see each other, you have to start by building your relationship with each of them. These things takes a long time but it's probably not too late, unless there is a lot of resentment in there from them.

Seeing everyone together is the issue. Especially when they only get two days off from work to have it etc in stone this is what you want to do.

You would be better off doing once a month per child and spread it out if you do t already seem them regularly on their own.

What others do is neither here nor there, I see my parents multiple times a week because they live 10 doors away and I often pop there for lunch or area, or pick my mum up from work, or take my dad to B&Q as neither drive anymore but you don't have that relationship.

Crazy? 2 or 3 hours per month??? We have 5 adult DCs and we get together for Sunday lunch every month. It’s not crazy at all. Sometimes one or two of them can’t make it and that’s fine. We do try to fix a date that suits everyone but it’s not always possible.

Why do you think it takes more than 2 hours? One DS usually stays for an hour, some of them stay through to the evening but they’re free to leave whenever they want.

Without sounding all ‘woe is me’, we’ve raised them, made enormous sacrifices and give them everything we can. They all own homes independently thanks to deposits from the Bank of Mum and Dad. I would be heartbroken if they couldn’t be arsed to give up a couple of hours once a month to spend with us.

Yes, tend to see them separately. They all get on well.

I see your point. Maybe once a month is a lot, but I know lots of kids that have Sunday lunch with their parents every week. Hell, I even know adult kids who eat with their parents most days a week!

Once every other year for a meal, though we do meet up for birthdays. I see them individually at other times.

It's not a problem on an individual basis.

I suppose it depends on their ages and things like relationships and work but I would have loved to see mum or nan on a Sunday ( and not have to cook much ) for dinner and take a pudding along for afters.

So you only see any of your kids once every other year? Or do you mean thats the only time you see them all together? I think you're aiming too high to go from that to once a month. I'd just send a message saying you miss them all and would like to see them more and if once a month doesn't work for them maybe they can come up between them with what could work instead.

Sorry, I mean that's the only time we all get together for a meal as a family. On their birthdays we pay to take them all out (funnily enough they're all game for a paid meal). On my birthday they come round for a bit and then I take them out for a meal.

But why do you need to see them all together? Would you be better off suggesting a week night? I.g. if it's just a random Tuesday night no one is likely to have anything on?

If they aren’t used to it then it’s going to be a shock.

Are they at the stage where Sundays are for recovering from hangovers or sleeping in because they work hard during the week ? Do they have boyfriends/girlfriends that they’d rather see? Do they do hobbies where Sundays are match days or Saturday is their sport day so Sunday is their only day off?

I would continue inviting them but not expect everyone each time. If their personality is to resist a request but turn up to ad hoc Sunday dinners then you might be more successful in seeing them. Do the siblings meet up and do things together ? Do they get along ? Are roasts their favourite meals ? I’d love to turn up to a roast dinner cooked for me but I have to cook my own