How much is too much?

[Madderrad]

I have three kids who all live locally. None have kids of their own yet. Just about the only time we get together for a meal is Xmas, and only then alternate Xmas as they also spend Christmas day with their father.

In a fit of familial goodwill I suggested that perhaps we could have a Sunday lunch together once a month. This was met with universal outrage where I was told I was being completely unreasonable. One son said weekends were for seeing his friends (so clearly a few hours with Mum once a month was out of the question).

I feel both angry and hurt about this. Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding? What to do other families deem reasonable?

Not a problem , I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you come across BTW.
I don't think you sound passive aggressive or guilt trippy in your approach.
I don't think you sound judgey about their drinking either.
It's fine to ask your family if they want to do things, it's ok that they said no too but I certainly wouldn't find it as insulting as some.
I do think boys tend to push away from their mums as they get older. I've noticed it with mine.
They've already taken on that "silly old mum attitude."
Which is
I also think some younger people also expect every social event to be on their terms and that their parents should just be there when they are free. I know I could have this kind of attitude when I was younger and I can see if in my teenage dc.
You've had lots of good advice on here do I hope it helps.

The tone of disappointment here is not what I said at the time. I am being open here because I wanted genuinely to know what other people thought. But have you considered that being kind and not guilt trippy goes both ways? They weren't exactly kind in shooting down my suggestion. Absolutely no compunction for my feelings at all, and a lot of guilt tripping about how 'demanding' I was. I am not demanding of their time. I rarely ever suggest meeting up, because I don't want to encroach on their time. I always wait for them to suggest something.

I am not judgemental about their drinking. I drink quite a lot myself. It's just a bit galling when you've cooked an elaborate Xmas meal to find people are too hungover to enjoy it. And no, I don't berate them for it, but it pisses my partner off as he does a lot of work too.

'People either want to be somewhere, or they don’t.' Yep, you're right. To be honest, I've pretty much accepted that. I should have kept my mouth shut.

I think a regular monthly arrangement is too much/restrictive but I empathise, adult kids ca. be selfish pricks

Don't let AIBU get to you.
People on here see this as a sport, they don't care about helping or giving advice it's just a game to them.
Just take a step back from your dc for a bit and think about going away next Christmas.

Perhaps Sunday dinner at 6pm on 1st day of each month

That's quite sad, I imagine it's because of cost of living issues more than anything else.

I don't have kids either, and I'd be happy with an open house situation - drop by if you can make it - but not being committed to a specific day every single month.

I feel for you OP but think that all of you synchronising diaries every month for a meal together would be a bit tricky - it would be for my DCs for sure. We tend to all get together only a couple of times a year too but see them quite a lot separately, I think the couple of times a year all together is quite normal especially if you don't all live close by.

Some DCs don't always have a real draw to a kind of filial duty. My DD is more inclined than my DS but that's just who they are.

Also if your DCs work all week then it's only natural and right really that they want to do their own thing at the weekends when their time is their own.

Don't be too downhearted. It is important that your DCs don't look on you as the most important person in their life as they get older (I'm not suggesting that you expect this btw, but it's something to think about.) Hopefully they will prioritise you when you really need them. For me, I feel happy that my DCs are grown and are independent of me, it actually feels quite freeing and comforting to me that someone else is responsible for them! And just to say, my DCs are literally my life, (I am a Mum first and foremost) and it's taken a while for me to reach this stage of acceptance and peace with them growing up. Enjoy YOURSELF OP and put you first for a while at least!

It sounds as though they're still at that stage in their lives where they see any commitment as a restriction.

What I'd do is never take them out for a meal - it's far too expensive and I'm sure they'd eat and drink more if you were paying for it than if they were. It's not a birthday treat if you or your partner are having to pay a fortune for a meal out.

I'd just keep seeing them and just make them a snack when they call round. They don't appreciate you enough at the moment - hopefully they will do when they're a bit older.

I don't see both of my DC regularly but do ping out a family WhatsApp every now and then if I'm doing a meal I think they'll want to come too...never any expectations as I know they can be busy with hobbies and seeing friends.

A summer BBQ tends to be a good choice as days are longer and nights lighter meaning they've done all their own things earlier in the day.

If you all live near to one another why not try to have a regular week day dinner slot?

Hate it when my phone tells people I swear a lot!

Do they like your partner? Who would be there presumably?

I’m sorry, but you’ve chosen to take what I’ve said as a massive criticism and now painted yourself as the victim by saying “I should have kept my mouth shut”. It’s a guilt trip or victim mentality which is totally unnecessary and is not conducive successful genuine relationships.

I’ve offered my opinion (it’s only an opinion) and given you a suggestion of how to start encouraging more family meals. Going from 0-100 is too much more most people.

You’ve only heard what you wanted to hear, and taken offence. You suggested a poster who suggested “spending their inheritance” was being kind, rather than petty or spiteful.

People only read/hear what they want to. Again, for clarity I suggested planning a meal on a Sunday, and inviting everyone. Whoever can make it is great. Sometimes it might be everyone, other times it’ll just be you and your partner. But a prescriptive amount of contact is too much, especially on a Sunday (maybe)
and especially going from so little currently.

Oh get over yourself.
It's obvious that the spending their inheritance was a joke but as you pointed out people read what they want.

I think you came across as judgmental and critical , most people on here do. Its AIBU and par for the course. Maybe you meant to be kind and helpful but it's really hard to tell people's intentions when they're written and you can't hear their tone.

I agree with the second part of your post where you suggest planning a meal occasionally and inviting everyone. The people who want / can to make it will go and that will be lovely.

Me and my sister (with partners) used to have lunch every other week with my parents before we had kids. I miss it and have just suggested starting it back up monthly. We all thought it was a great idea.

I really don't think a couple of hours a month is a lot to ask.

Start small, maybe a pub.lunch rather than a meal etc (mum to an adult ds and adult step son here) I had to 'book' them for a meal months in advance. There's also possibility of a cost consideration from their side too (I know my ds couldn't afford a takeaway once a month most months!)
Boys tend to be rather blase about time with their mums, especially if they're used to spending time separately with dad... used to joke that the only way to get a conversation with mine was to go for a drive! You're not really their social group at this age and they don't want the pressure of a perceived need to be with you. Their dad on the other hand is 'one of the lads' and part of their social story at this point. He may or may not be giving them money or paying for the drinking sessions.
Again, my ds lives at the other end of the country now, I hadn't seen him for 2 years, he came to stay for a week and I barely saw him, he was on his phone to his dad constantly, definitely a slight attitude of not interested in my conversation! My step son lives here and we could go weeks without seeing him at all because he's out with his social group.
It can come across as 'selfish' from them, but that age tend to look at it that youre being looked after by your partner at the moment. Just keep the channels open, WhatsApp photos and short messages, meet for a coffee etc. and try not to feel rejected that they sometimes seem to prefer their dad/friends etc, it's the way it goes.

Once a month is nothing ! My DH has dinner with his mum once a week and besides that they go to the theatre once a month and sometimes he just drops by to check on her. And we have DC who she sees as well on other times. But...I would never want my children to come and see me out of pity or by obligation so I would just leave them to it @Madderrad . I do feel for you though since it must be so disappointing. Or try for the lunch out and when/if they agree you say we all take turns in paying 😉

When it is your birthday, they should be paying for the meal out. You should not be paying.
They are probably still a bit immature and thoughtless. Hopefully they will improve in years to come.

Perhaps offering an evening meal at about 6pm would be better than lunch? Perhaps invite them on a weekday evening?
Also, don't put so much emphasis on seeing them all together - that suggests you are not valuing them as individuals. Invite each one separately at first. If they don't want cooked meals, suggest a walk and coffee, or something else.

Ultimately, you may have to accept that they are at the stage of life when they don't feel the need to see you much. Perhaps you would be better focussing on building up your circle of friends and hobbies.

I used to see my Mother for lunch every week until I left the area because of a major relocation for work. I’m older though and now it seems as if it’s all about the individual. Now if there is a difficult history and obviously we all have our own interpretations then I can see why it’s difficult. But unless there is an enormous backstory once a month is not much.

Book something for Mother's day or Easter now and keep it casual without any expectations. Later you can book a meal at the end of summer so it's quarterly without them even realising.

In the year that you don't host Christmas, you can do something in between Christmas & NY.

Just introduce more joint meals slowly without any expectation or fanfare. If they can make it great and no problem if they can't.

I think it's very sad all your kids live near to you and you only get together once a year! How old are they all?

I love near my mum and we probably have a meal/meet up at least 4 times a month.

Do you not invite them round for Sunday dinners?

Each to their own but I couldn’t be doing with the rigid routine that you already have of doing a specific thing for celebrations! I don’t mean the frequency, I mean the format. Whilst I don’t think once a month is too much, that’s once a month-ish, more or less often when people feel like it and doing different things.

Yes, I can imagine that you will be called upon to be default Granny Daycare, and there will be outrage if you don't comply with their demands!

Late 20s/early 30s. I did used to ask them to the occasional Sunday dinner, but they always reacted as if it was a massive imposition and made me feel terrible for even asking. So I stopped. I don't know why I made the suggestion at Xmas. Probably the wine went to my head!