How much is too much?

[Madderrad]

I have three kids who all live locally. None have kids of their own yet. Just about the only time we get together for a meal is Xmas, and only then alternate Xmas as they also spend Christmas day with their father.

In a fit of familial goodwill I suggested that perhaps we could have a Sunday lunch together once a month. This was met with universal outrage where I was told I was being completely unreasonable. One son said weekends were for seeing his friends (so clearly a few hours with Mum once a month was out of the question).

I feel both angry and hurt about this. Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding? What to do other families deem reasonable?

I think it's sad that spending time with your family is seen as an obligation. Maybe it was the way you worded it to your children or maybe they're just ingrates. Why not plan one meal at a time and keep it quite casual? "Anyone fancy Sunday lunch at the end of January? Roast chicken and my famous apple pie". If none of your children come it can still be a nice meal for you and your DP. It's obvious that you're not suggesting eating out and if it becomes more frequent maybe the DC will take turns to host or bring a contribution.

How about ad hoc week day dinners instead?

I'm a young person and I would feel like I have to block an entire 1 in 4 Sundays every month to attend such a lunch/dinner, which is a lot.

I'd feel less pressured and happy to attend if the invitation would be for a week day dinner once a month. There are at least 20 working days in a month and only one I would need to "sacrifice" as opposed to 1 of 8 days.

It could even be like a family joint effort: one person brings potatoes one person brings some vege etc

Even my siblings and I all lived near my mum (which we don't) I wouldn't want to commit to the entire family having Sunday lunch together once a month. It makes it feel like an obligation and effectively rules out one Sunday in four for other stuff. I'd rather things were more spontaneous / ad-hoc. So I were one of your kids, I'd rather you said 'It's not often that I get all my kids together at the same time - I don't know why we always leave it for a special occasion. Maybe we could have the occasional Sunday lunch or something' and then suggested a date a few weeks later.

I don’t think the amount of time is too much- it’s the enforced and set nature of it. I’d be inclined to drop the topic then just invite them ad hoc.

As someone in my late 40s I’m used to making social plans way in advance but when I was 20 it was almost always last minute, so I can see how the idea of having to commit to a set day every month might seem onerous. OTOH text them on a Friday to ask if anyone fancies Sunday lunch and I bet they’ll be more than happy.

I would happily adopt you. Miserable gits.

Wouldn’t having kids make going for lunch every month more tricky than when they didn’t have as much responsibility?
OP - I don’t think a regular lunch together is a ludicrous suggestion, but I agree with PP that it would be better to be more spontaneous.

Lol, that's lovely. You've put a real smile on my face, thank you!

Do they get on with each other?

What kind of jobs do they have?

I'd say every 3-4 months is more realistic.

I meant that when people have children they tend to spend more time with family rather than socialising with friends.

Could you get a job and then pay for a monthly restaurant meal for all of you if you think they would like that?

. Am I supposed to hide it on a forum? I am fairly certain that if I suggested a meal out once a month, they'd all be up for it. It's just that it's horrendously expensive and it's my partner paying as I'm not earning at the moment.

Are you suggesting that you cook? Or all go out but everyone pays themselves?

I think as others have said, if you go from only all getting together once every other year at Xmas, to wanting to see them every month for Sunday dinner, that is a hell of a jump.

I'd change tack and say, 'it was so lovely to see everyone at Xmas-I really enjoyed it! Would love to do that more often. Who fancies coming to me for a roast on Easter Sunday?'

I have 3 adult dc. Two live locally, one further away.

I think YABU.

It seems you do already all get together 4x a year for birthdays, plus Christmas. You also say you see them all, individually, regularly outside of that. So I'm not seeing the issue.

I'm not surprised they don't want to commit to all being there, every month, for Sunday dinner. We haven't made a big thing of Sunday dinner for many years, as all of us have other commitments on a Sunday (we like a roast and would often have one, one evening during the week).

You are coming over as if you are painting yourself as a victim, and demanding they all attend, which is hardly going to encourage anyone to want to come. Why not just pop in the family WhatsApp "I fancy doing a roast, next Tuesday - anyone want to come?" and see how it goes. Much more of a lovely invitation than asking them to commit to 12 x Sundays. If only one comes - fair enough. If 2 come, it's a bonus. If they all come, lovely, but there's no pressure to get them to commit to repeating every month.

I can't imagine living close to my mum and still only seeing her once a year, I visit my parents at least 10 times a month and we have regular dinners /drinks etc together. I wouldn't say it was unreasonable to ask your kids to have dinner with you once a month.

Surely the amount of time it’s appropriate to spend with any group of people, including family, is the amount of time you all want to spend together?

It sounds a bit like you’ve gone from a really hands off relationship in which you have little to do with each other to expecting them to come round and play happy families once a month. If that’s the case, their response isn’t really that surprising and I think feeling hurt, while understandable, is misdirected.

I get what a few other posters have said about asking “Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding?” It does read a little like you have an attitude that they owe you their company whether they like it or not. And I don’t mean that you expressed that to them and so they are justified at taking umbrage, I mean that you kind of see it this way - that you aren’t thinking about whether what you were asking of them would be enjoyable for all of you, you are thinking they should enjoy it because you’re their mum and that should be enough. And while I know there are a lot of people who think this way - it’s not a particularly nice way to approach relationships and makes it less likely that they would enjoy spending time with you.

I do understand why the rejection you got would hurt, it sounds like they have little tact and possibly no real concern for you, with is obviously hurtful. Does this reflect your relationship more generally? Are they kind and thoughtful other than this or is this par for the course? Have you encouraged them to enjoy time either 1-1 with you or as a family before now? Have you developed an understanding of what they enjoy doing with you and each other and encouraged them to think about you in those terms? If you want a closer relationship with them despite this then that may just happen as they get older. Many adult children seem to enjoy time with their parents more as they age and mature and start to understand their parents better. But it might also be worth putting in some effort 1:1 with them.

I don't think once a month is too much at all! But then I live 15 minute drive from my parents and see them 3 or 4 times a week (they do the school run collection twice a week and my children always want to see them more at the weekend too).

Pre-kids I didn't see them that often- I lived in different cities, but probably came home once every other month.

My dps mum used to insist on us going round for dinner every fortnight when when they lived closer, and we were younger. We did resent it, my partner used to work on Saturdays, I used to do chores/exercise/food shop etc, and we’d only have Sunday morning with each other, as we’d have to be there by 2ish. I understand why they wanted to see us but we were so busy at that time in our life and just being forced to sit and watch their tv etc was hard going.

I wonder if they feel that you already get together quite a bit and don’t see the difference between a Sunday meal and the birthdays. If you all get together for each birthday including you that is 4 times a year and sometimes Christmas. Are you all together for Mother’s Day?

it may not seem like a lot of time to you because you are you used to being mum and them all around everyday. Maybe ad hoc is better?

I see my parents several times a week, so do my siblings, it’s not a chore at all. We’re all really close and yours is the only comment on this thread that resonates with me!

seems too much
we all lead busy lives

you must have occasions, birthdays, mothers day, easter,

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. However, it’s not unreasonable for adults to decline an invite.

My family lives abroad and my husband’s family is 5 minutes from us. We see them every couple of weeks. We don’t have a Sunday lunch , but we’re always together for birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc.

We have kids, full time jobs and very rarely see friends.

My Mother always used to do a Monday dinner when we were younger as we would all go AWOL over the weekends. By the time we had all slept off our hangovers, poor decisions and lack of sleep over the weekend we were keen to be well fed a recovery dinner on the Monday night. There's 3 of us are we only really end up all together these days Christmas, Easter and birthdays. Otherwise I see my Mum weekly (the only daughter) and my brothers catch up with her when they can. Maybe a weeknight would work better.

@Madderrad don't think that is unreasonable. You could say first Sunday of the Month. You could pencil it in and those that can come will come. If one month nobody can make it, then you just say see you next month. It is easy to have a loose booking in your diary. You could also maybe do breakfast/brunch, then they can leave and get on with the rest of the day. You are not telling them they must come. You are offering a time to have a short meet up, and it certainly is not controlling. And then at the end of the year you may have ended up meeting 6 times. You have only made a suggestion and there is nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with everyone having an opinion and a discussion on what to do going forward. You have made the effort to connect with your family.

It’s so sad. This is what I worry about that my DS will just leave and never come back and he’s only 15.

Put the date out there that they come for a meal at your house on a date and if they come great, if they don’t they don’t. But make sure you stop being an ATM for them on meals out. They are all earning now. Probably more than you are.

rather than a weekend, why not try a midweek meal that if nobody comes, you can just put into pots and you have a ready meal in freezer for when you don’t feel like cooking.

Love the sentiment. Maybe as others have suggested once every 2 months or whatever and those who can join in, do so and those who can’t, can join in next time

ie 1st Sunday of Feb , 1st Sunday of April etc

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