How much is too much?

[Madderrad]

I have three kids who all live locally. None have kids of their own yet. Just about the only time we get together for a meal is Xmas, and only then alternate Xmas as they also spend Christmas day with their father.

In a fit of familial goodwill I suggested that perhaps we could have a Sunday lunch together once a month. This was met with universal outrage where I was told I was being completely unreasonable. One son said weekends were for seeing his friends (so clearly a few hours with Mum once a month was out of the question).

I feel both angry and hurt about this. Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding? What to do other families deem reasonable?

Do you see them on Mothers Day?

If they don’t see you on Christmas Day then do you see them for a Christmas or NY get together on a different day ? If my children are with dad (or girlfriend) on the 25th, we eat Christmas dinner on another day.

Are you trying to recreate, once a month, the family unit of when they were children under your roof?

They're not in that phase of their lives and likely never will be again. Which is natural for them, just as it's natural for you to regret that.

The more you push it, the less likely it will be to transpire. It's not personal, they're not saying they don't love you enough to do this for you. You're just not their priority right now, which is as it should be. They've flown the nest. They'll come back if and when they need and want to. They're living their lives now.

As a Mum of adults there is something really special about spending time together ,even if just occasionally. Watching your children interact as adults is great inc the banter.
One of my sons has gone to Oz ,not sure when he is planning on coming home ,and I can assure you that the last day we all spent together was really special but I also felt really emotional which i hopefully managed to hide .

A regular once a month scheduled extended family meal is a bit much when you normally get together yearly.

There's potential for a lot of time to get committed here. You're divorced from their father. If he wants the same 'to keep it fair' and if your adult children have partners whose family think what's fair for you is fair for them, that's 3 weekends out of 4 on parents to be even-handed.

Seeing your mum every 4 to 6 weeks is lovely. Seeing your mum and your siblings for a set Sunday lunch (which basically writes off most of the useful part of the day by being smack in the middle) every single month is a lot.

if you live close together, that's different. A midweek meal is a world of difference to a commiting to a weekend.
(And if you actually have fun together)

My family (the ones who live within 5 miles of each other) have a standing arrangement on a Wednesday of a takeaway and card games. Those who are free, join in; those with plans give it a miss that week.

Yes, I guess hangovers might come into it. Most Xmases we've had together have been dominated by their hangovers, tbh. Only one has a partner, who ironically often has family meals with his mum.

They do get along. All three spend a lot of time together, multiple times a week. Yes, they like a roast, not that it would always have to be that.

You just wait until they have children..... trying to get them to bugger off will be the issue!

Lol, you could be right.

Well this is depressing!!!

I cant be the only one that find everyone so... selfish these days?
Cant help elderly grandparents out, cant see parents but happy to move back in after university??

I prioritise seeing family. We have a busy schedule and weekends are jammed but i see my parents twice a month. In laws the same too!

I think when you (for whatever reason) have fostered an atmosphere where you only get together for a meal once every 2 years ish, it’s a lot to suddenly expect once a month.

The way you imply that they’re happy to come for a free restaurant meal isn’t a kind or respectful way to speak about people.

We get together a lot as a family, with 3 generations. It’s because my parents are both lovely people, and we have spent decades building close relationships that last way beyond the point at which we’re no longer reliant on them for food and shelter.

Yes, I see your argument about keeping it fair. To be honest, the boys spend a lot of time with their dad when he's around (he lives outside the area but keeps a house here). They all like getting drunk together and hanging out, and I'm well aware that I'm nowhere near that fun.

The same pps will be the ones complaining about their inheritance, or that their DM won’t give up work to look after their DCs. So many young adults are unbelievably entitled and selfish. My ILs live 90 miles away and we make the effort to visit them every week.

Completely agree with this.
Op I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
It's fine to put the feelers out and say do you fancy this.
I would have found a few hours once a month in my 20s absolutely fine. So I don't think the suggestion is out there.
I was out clubbing/ raving most weekends and had friends over the weekends were stayed in so it's not like I was a recluse before my time.
Start spending their inheritance if you have anything saved up and treat yourself to spa days and weekends away instead.

Is a couple of hours lunch once a month really so demanding?

See, that's the guilt-tripping and pass/agg language my MIL uses. BIL almost never goes anymore because he hates listening to that (we had to go because it matters to the children to have time with grandparents.)

It's not a couple of hours, is it? It's basically the useable hours of a Sunday. Middle of the day, not time for much before hand, everything shuts at 4ish anyway so not much scope after. Can't go to the match, can't hit the shops, and who wants to do DIY after a big roast dinner?

So basically you are asking for one Sunday a month. In some families that's a minimum but it sounds like for yours that's never really been how it goes. Start smaller rather than jumping in.

Well, the free restaurant meal bit is true. Am I supposed to hide it on a forum? I am fairly certain that if I suggested a meal out once a month, they'd all be up for it. It's just that it's horrendously expensive and it's my partner paying as I'm not earning at the moment.

If they get on with each other then it's not about avoiding each other.

If they're happy to go and get drunk with dad then honestly it sounds like they are relatively young adults and they'd probably prefer a different activity than a Sunday lunch.

What do they like doing? (Other than getting drunk)

Actually, alternative suggestion - are you sure it isn't your cooking?

My mum is an awful cook. We try to suggest meals out or takeaway or I cook but sometimes I do have to eat her cooking.

Fair enough. I can see your point about the middle of the day. But later in the day won't work either as they've got work to prepare for.

As for being passive-aggressive, I see where you're coming from. I didn't actually say anything at the time, just hid feeling a bit crushed.

I think this is a good suggestion.
If dinner is out of the question, then a walk or a drink in the pub. Pub quiz etc.

Are you retired and so they work? Its a big chunk of a weekend to commit.

I would keep it much more casual.

Once a month would be too much for me tbh. My siblings too. Everyone has busy lives. We generally got together for my mums birthday, a point over Christmas, maybe Mothers Day, but not much more. We were all happy with that, including my mum. Some of us saw her separately way more as live local.

I just think the tone of how you come across is probably a reason everyone is reluctant to give up so much of their free time to accommodate your request.

As a PP said, it’s guilt trippy language. Plus sounding judgmental about their drinking etc.

I think it all starts with you, if you’d like to see everyone more. Plan a meal on a Sunday, invite everyone. Whoever can make it that time, great. It’s very prescriptive to have monthly meals, or duty visits of x times per quarter etc.

People either want to be somewhere, or they don’t.

Thank you. I appreciate you being kind.

I hope all the people who start threads about whether or not to have additional children read this thread. There's clearly no guarantee at all that they will want to socialize later in life!

OP I would feel really hurt if my child didn't want to have lunch with me once a month.

How well do they get along with your partner? It sounds like they prefer seeing their dad as it's perhaps more of a relaxed atmosphere where they just casually gets together over some drinks.

I'm old and have kids a siimlar age and I think YABU.

They are young, they are busy, it's their time to build up their relationships, work life and leisure.

Let them go and do what they want to do.

They will come back when they want to, if they want to - and they might not, they may end up in other countries/far away because that's where their life takes them.

I would hate my children to grudgingly turn up because of pressure/ guilt that I have imposed on them.

You're asking for half their free time at the weekend to keep you happy.

I think you should put their happiness before yours.