To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

Definitely the benefit of WFH is more flexibility. Also, at 10 and 13, I don't feel comfortable to leave them at home all day during school holidays. But I can WFH and they won't bother me. It's just having an adult at home so if anything bad happens, DH or I can deal with it.

You can't be looking after a young baby and working, neither of you!

I wfh 100% of the time, my DC is an adult now, but out polos y is very clear,

NO looking after children while working. And to be honest, I wouldn’t be able to. I’m so busy when I’m working that I’m basically chained to my desk. If you work full time then you should have full time childcare arranged and your focus should be 100% on work. I’d have a look at your wfh policy if I were, because pound to a penny you’re in breach of contract

Who told you that they were just as productive. Productivity nose dived during lockdown and has never recovered. This country has a massive productivity people and WFH pisstake just adds to it.

I wasn't as productive, but from my manager's perspective it might have been close to it. That's because in order to maintain anything like a reasonable work output while working without childcare I was starting work at 6am and finishing at 11pm, spending all day trying to do both. It was absolutely awful, left me pretty broken and I still feel guilty about basically neglecting DC1 like that. There was also a level of tolerance for, e.g., me doing meetings with him on my lap that absolutely did not (and should not) continue once childcare reopened.

I think he could help with driving your daughter to your mums house etc. It shouldn’t all be on you. But you need a proper routine as does your baby. Could you use a childminder who lives nearby to save the driving around in the morning.

No. You BOTH should be getting cover. He seems to bear no responsibility for his own child. Why are you doing it all?

I get that people end up having the odd day working from home with little ones. pre-Christmas my boss' daughter was ill. My boss' choice was work with a 4 year old draped over her or don't work at all. We were in a manic phase where we needed all hands on deck so that's fine. But it is not something she would do on a regular basis and her husband had a day of the same when she was properly in work.

But surely you can't just be looking after a pre-schooler all the time while you're meant to be working?

It's fair enough to want to split the load with your husband but the solution to this is effective childcare - not you both trying to do your jobs around looking after a small child.

Outside of work your husband should be 50/50 childcare
Inside, neither of you do it

If you're going to 4 days I hope your financial contribution will reflect that?

Does your husband pull his weight in other ways?

You need to have appropriate childcare for your working hours its not fair on child - employer or relationship

Your baby should be in child care.

As someone who had to work full time during lockdown with a toddler roaming the house and the absolute total and utter stress/almost a mental breakdown that caused I cannot understand why anyone would choose to put themselves in that position.

Pay for nursery or a childminder for the hours your mum can't do and stop giving those of us that wfh, and work flipping hard, a bad name.

I am a “manager” - people doing childcare whilst working are a problem in my mind.
It’s not fair on the child seeing you stare at screens when they don’t understand what you’re doing and it’s not fair on your business work place or colleagues. They ultimately have to make money as efficiently as possible to pay salaries.
i think you and your H should discuss what a reasonable week looks like in terms of how much childcare you need; find professional childcare for your baby or have a frank chat with your mum - is she being polite or does she really relish the time looking after your baby alone? then you should both discuss as a more formal routine sharing taking your baby to the nursery/ mother / childminder. This would be shared based on start times, hours worked etc.
Hope you manage to sort it out.

OP's DH is a twat for making childcare completely OP's problem. He just wants OP's mum to have the baby full time and for OP to do all the pick ups and drop offs. He has completed removed himself from this childcare issue and is carrying on as though the baby is nothing to do with him.

People did it because they were forced to not becuase it was ideal.
People weren't as productive but employers were more understanding as there was no alternative.

It's not great for the kids involved ( and it's potentially dangerous)

It was hell on earth for me personally.

I couldn't do my job and look after my child at the same time. Surely anyone who is doing that isn't working at full capacity or the child is being neglected. YABU, to expect this. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that he needs to arrange childcare.

I agree that it's U to ask him to look after dc whilst he's working. However he should be contributing to the the arranging of childcare and ferrying your dd around so you can BOTH work.

While obviously he shouldn't be watching youtube or playing games for long stretches during his work time, it also doesn't mean that he is available at any time. I am having lunch now, and so mumsnetting. At 10.15-10.30 this morning I pottered around doing washing up, making a coffee and putting some washing on. You could look at me then and think I clearly have spare time when WFH - and at that point I did. But from 11-12 I was presenting in a meeting, and so completely unavailable. Depending on what kind of job you have, being able to take some downtime when things are quiet doesn't mean that you could just take a half hour to look after a baby at any given moment, which appears to be what the OP is asking the DH to do.

YABU

i don’t agree you should be working and looking after your child.

but if you do that’s your choice, and your risk. Don’t impose it on him.

Well in that case you get a childminder or sort out a nursery. I'm not sure why it's so hard to comprehend. Some of us arent so lucky as to have grandparents to help and have to pay thousands and thousands per year in childcare!

I think it's maybe not so much an issue with helping but the unexpected standing in.
He should be more involved in the overall planning. With time set aside during the day (of his) to help e.g. doing drop off etc if possible .

You can't be paid to work and look after baby at the same time although there are exceptions.

Why don't you take her to your Mum's 2 days a week and use a childminder for 3 days? You'll get the tax free child allowance. It's a cost you can't avoid.

If OP had started a thread saying that DH expects OP to cover all child care while they both work full time. There would have been total agreement that DH has to pull his figure out.

The issue is OP doesn't seem to realise the solutions they have found are completely unsuitable.

Has a conversation been had between OP and DH?
What is DH's view on the current arrangement?

I agree but OPs husband is also wfh without childcare. They should both sort it.

I think you'll find it gets harder to work and care for a child at the same time - when she's a toddler you have to keep your eyes on them pretty much constantly. Can't you look at paid childcare close to your home a couple of days a week and use your mum the rest of the time? The only time I ever work from home with DS around is if he's off nursery sick. I work during his naps and try and do emails on the sofa with him next to me. It's really hard and not what I'd choose to do at all.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH not to want to take time out of his day to look after your child unless he's refusing to consider more childcare and just expects you to do both.

You are being unreasonable to your employer - working from home does not equal “caring for child whilst working.”