To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

If your staff are as productive when looking after a small child as they are when concentrating solely on the business then I think you need to seriously consider their general productivity and what you can do to improve this

"Ask", "help out" - nope.
Get your finger out, DH.
And that's putting it very mildly and politely.

Me too , @gamerchick me too .

I'm voting YABU not because he shouldn't be an equal partner, but you are being ridiculous to not have childcare in place while you work. If you can't keep your job while looking after the baby, he can't either. You need to pay for childcare if your mum isn't around.

WFH with children are for much older children who are self sufficient. They are more likely to be at least 7 or 8 year olds. These are children who can turn on TVs, make sandwiches and hot chocolates, pour themselves a cup of squash or water. They also understand not to bother you because you are manning the phone line and email.

If you say so. I'm not buying it personally. Unless their workloads are exceptionally low.

It's a guarantee situation but he seems to have a 'not my problem' attitude which is crap.

The work and the child should not overlap, the planning required to make that possible is both your problems. Your mum is being kind and if he doesn't appreciate that and is happy to take the P then he's an arse!

If you struggle with the guilt of not then use a nurse to or child minder instead. Your DH is right, neither of you should be working whilst looking after your Dc it isn’t fair on work or safe for your Dc. If you get an unexpected call then you’re either not concentrating on the call or not supervising your DC properly. You need to get childcare cover for every day you are working, wether that be your mum or external childcare.

I do have children at home when I WFH, but they are 10 and 13. Later can even go and get milk from the Tesco express. They aren't babies.

Wouldn't recommend you use your baby to point score with DH op by making part time childcare his issue to sort out. Seems a bit childish.

Sit down together, discuss that you both need better arrangements, then agree on what those are and both sort.

No people managing childcare at home during the pandemic and WFH were not productive. But it was a global crisis.

It's impossible to care for a small child and work and you are doing both a disservice.

The op needs proper childcare. Her manager might be ok with things now but she will get found out or the manager will leave. I couldn't do this.

I've barely read your full post yet, OP but you and dh both working ft means your baby needs to be in full time childcare. It's not suitable at all, to anyone, for her to be passed around the three of you while you and he juggle work.

I assumed at first your mum was at your house full time all day mon-fri (a bloody steal at 300) but that isn't the case.

Your manager may be ‘amazing’ but are they fully aware that your husband needs to be on board for things to work as smoothly as is ideal? And that he isn’t?
Are they aware of the health and safety impact on your mental health when things don’t go to plan?
It’s interesting how many PPs feel WFH is an opportunity to skive. Most people I know treat it like any day in the office.
The perks for me are definitely not gaming, but less travel, maybe more flexibility in breaks so you can fit in a local school or GP appointment. That’s it really.
I appreciate not everyone is of the same opinion though.

Yet another thread which shows what a piss take work from home is.

Yes I agree. They are either putting less into their work or not looking after their Dc properly. It’s impossible to do both well whilst Dc are young.

I am fine with my team having their kids at home in school holidays as they are school age, it might be a bit less productive but it keeps staff happy. There is no way I'd let them work from home with a baby in the house without childcare on less than an emergency basis. Get your mum to do set days and if she can't do 5 put the child in nursery the rest.

I can assure you this is not the norm.

No one working with babies/small kids at home during lockdown was 'just as productive'. As a manger I had to constantly cover for colleagues with young kids, other people without kids had to step up and do more, and people with small kids had to work irregular hours / work late after kids were asleep to catch up. It wasn't an ideal situation for anyone involved and shouldn't be replicated now that childcare is available again.

I guess they are tbf. Company is at a point where it basically runs itself due to the processes in place so the staff just keep an eye on things springing up for emergencies.

Your dh is absoloutley right that he needs to focus on his job, as do you. And he should put his hand in his pocket and pay his half of a nursey bill. Do you both earn the same?

Yeah because PP’s comment was about just one person - you. Not the general concept, just you.

We all knew who had small
Children to look after during lockdown and it certainly made a bigger load on the rest of us

If you are just as effective with children on hand your boss could lose a few positions easily

Absolutely true - while working from home with an infant / child in an emergency is a wonderful option to be able to have (and I'm grateful for it!) it doesn't benefit anyone to do this on a structured and permanent basis. Children need to be socialising, be outside, be seeing and doing lots of different things - not every second of every day, but certainly some of each day should be spent outside, etc. And it's just not possible to work full-time 'and' parent properly.

I don't think your mum should do more than a couple days a week though - that isn't fair on anyone either.

Sorry i get things are tough but you are wrong. You or your husband should not be working and trying to look after a baby/toddler. It’s unfair to your child and to your employers who are paying you!. Can you imagine taking a child to the office?? It’s no wonder so many wfh employees are being called back to the office!

I know it’s expensive but this should of been planned for when you were expecting! But like pp you need childcare

Absolutely this. I’m a manager. I generally get good feedback from the team. If I found out one of my employees was spending half an hour here and there looking after their child in working hours, I’d be insisting they came back into the office full time or looking at disciplinary measures.

A good manager isn’t one who lets you do childcare while being paid to do another role.

Hopefully her DH is willing to pay for full time child care if he feels that the current arrangement isn't working and he won't help at all, even if he has time to watch YouTube and play computer games.