To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

I feel you’re getting a bashing on here OP. I’ve seen this before on WFH threads.

Re your DH.. if he’s finding time to watch YouTube or play video games, there’s no question he should be doing more with the baby when he is able to.

If nurseries are full, you could think about a childminder or nanny. But I get it’s not easy. Your DH should definitely be doing half of the drop offs so you don’t have to endure the screaming everyday (I had a baby like that, not fun).

I work from home. Both of my children are school ages so not around in the day time so that's not an issue for me. My husband works out of the house, and will often be a bit grumpy that I haven't emptied the dishwasher or done some washing while I am at home. It's so frustrating for me. I am at work. It doesn't matter that I am at home doing it. I am busy. If I have a lunch break, I should be able to have an actual break (I don't, very often I am sticking washing on or working through it but I should be able to.) You need proper childcare to cover the hours you both work. It's impossible to work to the standard you need to and look after children. I struggle from 4-5pm when the kids come home even though they don't need looking after as they are older.

You've arranged one part of the childcare you need. It's now up to your DH to arrange the rest of the childcare you need, to arrange the recruitment and financing of it, and to drive your child to that childcare if it isn't happening at home. That seems fair. Otherwise he can look after your child.

And I don't see why oP is getting such a bashing here. She's done her part. Now is the time for her DH to step up and make things happen.

Did the pair of you find this baby in a box on your doorstep? You both brought a child into the world, didn't you discuss how having a baby would change your lives? Why the hell was childcare not sorted before the baby arrived? The pair of you need to grow up and parent your child because very soonthis baby will be a toddler and life will be chaos.

The W in WFH does stand for something...

Because she is claiming she can wfh whilst looking after a 9 months old and seems to think that other people should be able to

Also, because she cba to take the baby to the childcare that is arranged, so therefore thinks he should be able to not work to look after said baby.

Well, her DH cba either - it shouldn't all fall on her. Which is the point.

He doesn't seem to have stepped up in any way in arranging or facilitating childcare.

@ArcheryAnnie , would you if your DW had found an office space with a free childminding service for less than £15 a day?

I agree with others, neither of you can work full time while caring for a baby.
However, your mum is either able to provide childcare or she isn’t. All this I won’t drive her over there in rush hour traffic if I don’t have to is silly. You do have to, because you need the childcare, or you and DH should share this task. You say £300 isn’t much and it isn’t when compared with a full time nursery place or childminder, but you are paying her and yet not taking baby over when you can avoid it? That makes no sense. If she is caring for baby while you are in her house, you should be working unless you are on a designated break but really it’s better she do this in a different place.
Maybe it would be more manageable for your mum to only do a couple of days and the rest of the time she is with a childminder or at nursery? With drop off and cost shared with DH of course. And the days she is meant to be with your mum she is properly with your mum, no ad hoc decisions about whether either of you can be bothered to take her or not.

There is no way you can WFH and look after a 9 month old.

I thought this would be about expecting him to empty the dishwasher or similar small tasks while wfh. That is reasonable, what you're suggesting isn't for either of you. I WFH and we're not allowed to care for primary age or younger children while working (my boss does turn a blind eye if my 9 year old is ill but expects me to have childcare for the holidays), you're likely to get fired if your work find out and same for your DH if he helps out. He should do more of the getting DC to childcare/pickup though.

If you're working, you're working.

If he's working fewer hours than you, while you're working he should be parenting. Not 'helping out'.

While you're both working you should have reliable childcare in place.

You ABVU.
You cannot work AND look after a child. Why do you expect him to bunk off work so you can work? You need to arrange childcare to cover ALL the hours that you and your husband’s work overlaps.

Your friend is not your boss. And she is clearly a bit delusional what looking after a child entails. You are either underperforming in your work or being overpaid (if you have nothing to do at work). Most employers don’t allow employees to look after kids while working (for exactly the reason that you expect your husband to look after your child - because you can’t do your work while looking after your child).

God, no wonder opinions are becoming so much less favourable about WFH. I thought this was going to be about OP wanting DH to pop some washing in the dryer when the spin cycle finished, or answer the door to the postie. You can't meaningfully WFH while simultaneously wrangling a 9mo.

I find it absurd everyone here saying what you should do cos hubby is working so are you yet you are arranging everything as well as working yes hubby should step up and wither help find extra childcare or have the child for 30 mins if he is on YouTube or gaming

You need to sort adequate childcare and structured days. You’re absolutely nuts if you think your current arrangement will work full time and when your baby is older. I have a 6&3 year old and I send the youngest to a childminder twice a week and my MIL once a week and i wfh 3 days a week. The days I don’t have childcare if they are ill is absolutely hell when I’m wfh

This may vaguely work now (although clearly not) with a baby but when the baby is moving round more and more you have no chance of this working. You cannot, in my experience, properly entertain and care for a child, and actually work. It's just not possible. Either cut your hours or find some proper childcare to compliment you Mum. I would also try and formalise the hours your Mum has dc so you can properly organise yourself.

Well maybe your colleague should sort some childcare out for HIS child then 🙄.