To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

I'm afraid unless neither of you have a flexible job then you need to sort better childcare

DH WFH and deals with colleagues in the west and east of the world. Sometimes he will need to start early or finish late as a result. He flew out abroad yesterday and returns on Saturday so in effect loses two days of his weekend across a fortnight. He isn't paid for those things so there is the flexibility there within his department that he can occasionally do school drop off or watch one of our kids if I have a last minute doctors appointment or whatever. Unless they are a customer meeting then he can usually reschedule meetings. Likewise I also have a WFH job and can switch my days around or work evenings if one of the kids is sick as long as I cover my weekly hours somehow.

My eldest is in full time school and the youngest in pre school five days a week during school hours. Had I not been able to work school hours part time we would have had to put the youngest in full time nursery and the eldest in after school club.

You might have an amazing manager, but that might not always be the case. PPs are correct. What happens when your baby is a toddler, pre schooler etc.

This scenario is what can spoil WFH for others. If you were in an office, you wouldn’t have your child with you. Your DH is working two days at home and three in the office. Do you think he should take the baby to the office?

What you’re attempting is to work without having a long term plan for childcare. You don’t want you mum to get burned out, so arrange a nursery or childminder for at least some of the time. What you’re doing now isn’t good for any of you.

Absolutely no one is actually "wfh"! It's a joke now.
You are clueless.

The posters saying they need proper childcare are clearly peed off that they have to pay for it and don't have the luxury of free childcare.

Nope, I need childcare to allow me to do my job effectively. Whether i'm in the office or at home.

As I've said before, fun time is over, get back to work now.

I was WFH well before the pandemic. It's fairly standard in my job. I have a dedicated office space at home and I'm just as effective here as i am in the office.

You've put this burden on yourself and expected him to do the same - juggling work while DC is at home. Not fair on either of you.

How can you work full time at home and look after your child

More - does your employer know as many won't allow this

Sounds like your mum is only there 15hrs is that right and sometimes that doesnt cover your need

You need to pay for childcare

What age is your dd and sure someone will what childcare hours /help you may get

Obv if you'd dh is at home working , no she shouldn't look after dd

As above his employer prob won't like it

This is mind boggling! So you work full time but most of the time, you have ‘pretty much nothing to do’ so can look after a nine month old? I think I know who will be first on the list if redundancies are on the cards…..

There is no way either of you should be working while looking after a nine month old. That’s poss taking of the highest order and the reason so many employers are insisting people go back to the office.

YABU. You need to use childcare while you are working.

This is going to get more and more impossible as your baby gets older and needs nonstop attention (and then easier again a few years later!)

Basically your employer is paying you to be 'on call' at random times and without much notice so that's part of the expectation - even if lots of time isn't like this, there's still part of your job that is so you need actual cover for the full time you are working on a consistent basis.

And your mum is doing you a massive favour so maybe pick 1-2 days a week she has your baby and sort out the rest. Or sort your working hours out to work flexibly in some way so you are taking turns. Your husband should definitely be sharing the lifts and any other childcare plans that happen after this one too.

I guess you are right and I should be getting more cover. I am just really struggling with the guilt of getting my mum to care for her so much at the moment. My mum says it is fine and wants no money, but still, I haven't wanted to take the p. I will be going down to 4 days a week next month which will help.

I work from home and I would never do this. Today is a teacher training day at school, so I've booked it off work. When DC was a baby I was on mat leave, and then me and DP both cut down hours (+paid for 2 or 3 days at nursery) until DC started school. In my experience what the OP is doing is unusual.

So he does nothing, hasn't arranged any childcare won't do drop offs?

Fuck that, arrange your mum to cover your days 2/3 days a week and tell him he has to find and arrange a nursery or CM for his half of the week AND do drop offs and pick ups.

Your daughter needs nursery or a childminder. Your poor mum! Get some proper childcare sorted.

I don't see why everyone is saying about WFH with a baby?

Tons of people did this while we were in lockdown and were just as productive!

You need a local nursery or childminder, preferably one you can walk to.

Remember they are both businesses, so make sure you pay your fees on time.

(You are doing nothing to develop your child’s relationship with her granny btw if when the child sees her your dd is already upset by the car journey!)

Use a nursery or childminder then.

"Amazing" perhaps in how you find it beneficial for yourself. I would think them less "Amazing" in that they seem to be paying full time wages for an (at most) 15 hour a week job and to be content with knowing no work or professional development is being done the other 20 hours. I am a manager (over 20 years now) and WFH full time, as do my team so have no chip on my shoulder about people being allowed to WFH. I would not think myself "Amazing" to allow this set up. I would worry about our going out of business.

Ask your dh to organise the childcare for the day your dm doesn’t have dc.
I bet he won’t. As far as he’s concerned it’s your problem and that would annoy me.

People caring for 9 month olds were "just as productive"? Really?

I know a lot of people that did this during lockdown (myself included) but absolutely none of them were “just as productive”. There’s absolutely no way to work plus look after a child without both suffering

YABU I'm afraid. When you're WFH, that's what you should be doing. It's not an excuse to do other things.

I'm just saying...during lockdown...when all childcare places were shut....and people worked from home....I had no issues with any of my staff while they were working from home with small kids.

Instead you decide to take the p from your employer instead and expect your DH to do the same. YABVU.

And we all know what well socialised and confident little people those children are who spent two years being told “You need to be quiet now, Mummy has to make a phone call/ be in a meeting.”

It is the child’s experience as well as the work ethic that makes working from home with children so very wrong.

This sort of behaviour is exactly why wfh is being withdrawn, people like you taking the mick.

Yabvvvu to be skiving off to look after your child. Use childcare like everyone else has to. And yanvvvu to expect your dh to risk his job doing the same.