To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

This might be the cute narrative that parents use to continue WFH with kids and save money, but no, no they weren't.

Parent productivity went down 50% where I work, and everyone else was working 3-5 hours overtime every day to compensate for it. A minority of my colleagues are still WFH with their kids and it's painfully obvious because they're never at their desks.

The work you do must involve literally no actual work for this to have been true.

I do too!

Asking him to watch the baby while he's working is not a solution.

The fact you're doing it while you're supposed to be working is problematic enough, and no wonder employers are getting fed up with people who 'work' from home.

You need proper childcare in place. What you have clearly isn't working.

I’m sorry to be blunt OP but it’s people like you & your husband who give WFH a bad name.
He shouldn’t be skiving watching you tube etc & what job is so chill you work it full time but are able to look after a young child we all need to be working there!
Im amazed there are employers who allow this (the pandemic was extenuating circumstances).I work flexibly but that’s completely different from having a young child to look after at the same time. Quite frankly if I had to look after a toddler/preschooler I would not get my job done.
Sort the childcare out properly with your mum and/or get on some waiting lists with childcare providers

Not read the full thread, but you are paying your mother something like £14.50 a day for childcare and for the use of her home as an office.

WFH is great as it means you don't have the commute to factor in to childcare costs and arrangements - relying on trains to get me home on time was a nightmare when DDs were little. But you do need proper childcare, it's not fair on any of you to try and work, except perhaps in an emergency, while DD is there.

DH IBU though to throw this at your door, you both need to agree a solution. I would find a good local childminder and perhaps your mum could have her on one regular day a week. I only ever worked 4 days maximum and GPs had them for one day so we only had to pay for three days (which was expensive enough but at least not FT hours).

Your employer should have offered alternative work before making yoi redundant https://www.acas.org.uk/redundancy-protection-for-pregnancy-and-new-parents

You may not be able to get your child into a nursery but you could probably find someone willing to provide child care in your home for a few hours, even if this was as student. Not ideal but a temporary stop gap,

I'd still get on the waiting lists personally, just put down Monday to friday and you can amend it later. Better to be on the waiting lists. Full time places are like hens teeth around here too but if you are dropping to 4 days, then split the rest between your mum and nursery then you'll probably only need 2 or 3 days a week which might be doable?

She's working full time. She just has about 15 hours of calls/active working time (and 25hours of being paid by her employer to be with her baby).

It's people like you that have led to my employer now forbidding anyone from working from home with a child in the house. Meaning that if my teenager is sick from school for the regulation 48 hours with a tummy bug, I have to take unpaid leave and spend the rest of the week chasing my tail to catch up in my work, instead of WFH with teenager safely ensconced in their bedroom gawping at their phone, as I could before. So thanks for that.

Can't you just either go into the office and leave them at home or just not tell work?

I notify my employer if my 10yo is off (teacher training etc, he is never ill), as a courtesy but given he enjoys the rare treat of a day gaming (with schoolmates also off due to TT), but as soon as ds is at an age where I can leave him home alone I won't be notifying management.

It is extremely unfair that you are working and solving the childcare and he doesn't do anything, while paying 50:50.

I'd say that the most strategical option for him would be to do cover those 30 minutes and keeping the status quo. If he doesn't, you will need to find a different approach to the whole thing which might include professional childcare and will cost him much more.

Where do I find a job like this?!

Not unreasonable at all. I am a Sahm with a full time working from home dh. When my oldest were small I worked part time in the office. He always took care of them if they were unwell or childminder unwell.
Nowadays, older two are at school but he still does loads with the youngest. Also goes out to walk the dog if needed. Does things around the house etc.
Sounds like your dh does have the time but would rather be on you tube!

I don’t think you’re allowed to do childcare when WFH are you?

I guess that would depend on the employer surely? My dhs former employer didn’t care if he was bouncing a baby on his knee in meetings. He’s the director now so doesn’t much matter. He wouldn’t have an issue with kids being around. Not every job has to be glued to a desk 8 hours a day to be productive. My dh often does his best work while on the ride on mower.. thinking time

Nope can't leave DC home alone as DC gets anxious about being sick but is completely fine (and ignores me) as long as I'm in the house. And I never WFH unscheduled so manager would know something was up if I randomly decided to WFH on an unplanned day. Also I don't lie to my team. Before a colleague did similar to what OP is doing the occasional WFH with a sick but walking wounded DC was fine - now due to pisstakers who 'WFH' while in sole charge of a small child, it is now forbidden.

Except that the husband is also the other parent. Why is it only on OP to arrange childcare? I found his remark of: "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!" unacceptable.

How about he asks one of his parents?

Sheez! And people wonder why birthrates are declining. It's because fathers are still dumping all of the childcare responsibilities on their female "partners". Sorry, rant over. Just sick of this attitude.

Both of you should have sorted childcare before maternity leave even started. I needed two places - we were on the waiting lists when I was 3 months pregnant so well in advance of needing it. But you're at least 15 months behind that now, you need to do as PP say and get contacting now. You might also need to configure you working pattern around that so I wouldn't get too hung up on agreeing with work first.

Do you get paid a full time wage for working 15hours a week?

If so, what a piss take! Never mind also caring for a baby!!

You cannot look after your child on work time. You are the kind of person that ruins wfh for everyone.

Hold on a moment. They (the two of them) seem to have an ongoing arrangement with her mother which is supposed to cover the times that the OP is working.

She does not want to avail herself of this all the time, thinking that she can miraculously work and look after the baby at the same time.

He has never agreed to work and look after the baby at the same time, probably because his employer would not allow it. Why should he drop his work when asked to by the OP when she has deliberately failed to take advantage of the arranged childcare? And certainly why should anyone call on his mother who has not agreed to do childcare and may still be working herself?

Yes, they are both responsible for sorting childcare, and, no, I personally don’t think their current arrangement sounds ideal, but it is reasonable for him to think that it has been arranged and that the OP won’t change it on an ad hoc basis because she thinks she won’t need it.

There are a few issues here:

Why are you paying 50/50 when your H earns £15k more? What happens to the extra money?

What can your H do in terms of childcare - pick ups/drop offs etc? Why is it all on you?

You can't continue this situation as it's not sustainable- wait till they are walking and are a toddler. You need to get onto the wait lists for proper childcare. You should then have a dedicated day per week where they go to your mum as well to help manage your guilt.?

He has never agreed to work and look after the baby at the same time, probably because his employer would not allow it. Why should he drop his work when asked to by the OP when she has deliberately failed to take advantage of the arranged childcare?

Except there was no arranged childcare for that day, which he would have known is if was involved in doing his share of arranging it. He doesn't have to ask him mom, but him assuming it's all arranged when he could have known it hadn't been for that day if he had taken an interest.

He clearly hasn't and doesn't.

You shouldn't be splitting bills 50/50 when you earn less