To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

Tell him to take the child out in the car on his own and give him a taste of what you are experiencing for a start.
He is being a bit of a caveman in his interpretation of being a parent - after all, he did play some part in creating the. child didn't he?
Tell him to get his head out of his arsehole, pull his weight and be a dad occasionally.
Long term though you really do need to make provision for childcare; once this baby starts toddling you'll need eyes in the back of your heads and you cannot keep a child safe 100% of the time whilst you are glued to a screen can you?

More and more employers are mandating fully (or nearly) back to the office for WFH staff.

Reading threads like this - and not just OP's comments, quite a few other posters too - explains why.

The way I look at it is you cannot expect your DH to look after child during work hours. Your job might be chill but not everyone else's is. It is easy to judge that he has you tube but you can't compare you tube on the other screen with looking after baby.
If your mum is happy to look after your daughter and I trust you when you say she is, then you and your DH need to agree on schedule of driving DD to your mum every day (he drives some days and you do others) and on the days you drive you come back to your house to work. DD will stop screaming if you do it every day - she will get used to car drive. When it comes to your sacrifices I am sorry but you are saying you are the person you are and hence arranging to go there with DD and then spend your lunch breaks on helping your mum. If this is self inflicted then your DH shouldn't pay for your choices. If you are doing that because your mum is struggling then you need to find alternative childcare.

How many childcare waitlists are you currently on op?

As oer my previously ignored question do you and your dh earn the same?

So your boss is fine with you claiming FT wage while barely working PT, and looking after your child while you do. Your mum doesn't mind looking after your child. And your gripe is that your husband isn't doing enough to help on his 2 days at home and you're angry he slacks off while you're what, working really hard? I'm sorry but you're coming across as lazy and entitled. Should your partner be watching videos or playing games while working, no but that's a separate issue, one he will have to deal with the consequences of when his management find out he is also a lazy git.

You're seemingly in a really good position to have such a flexible working environment and a parent willing to help out whenever you want, stuff that people would kill for. Maybe count your chickens while they're home to roost because if your manager leaves and a new one comes in they might not be so forgiving by a working clearly taking liberties. Or if your mum got ill and couldn't do childcare anymore you'd be up shit creek as you've apparently not bothered to find suitable childcare despite having time to get on waiting lists etc.

None at the moment, I'm due a conversation with my manager when she returns from leave about which day I will be taking as my non working day going forward, so can't commit to any places at present because they ask you which days you want.

He earns £13k more than me a year.

Wow! Just how shit is your staff's productivity for it to not be impacted by looking after small children whilst working!?

You need to be on waitlists regardless surely? Put her down as 5 days on all options then if and when you change days you contact the providers and update your requirements.

If your dh is earning 13k more than you, and you and he are 50/50 on living costs, where does this extra go?

Don't rush into another child with a man who earns more, thinks childcare is your issue to juggle and insists you pay 50/50.

He's no prize.

No you shouldn't ask him to look after the baby while he's working however you shouldn't be looking after the baby either. You can't do both properly at the same time. You need to find full time childcare. This however is not solely your responsibility to organise and you and DH have to make some decisions and plans together.

Are the 15h you have to man the phone line predictable ie it’s every Monday/Wednesday morning? If so, can your mum come to you during those times?

Neither of you should be WFH whilst looking after a child. It's that simple.

This is an unmanageable situation. You cannot wfh with a child, you should have childcare organised. I’m not sure your job requires it but what if you were needed in office or the company demand you now come in for a few days a week?
i would agree set days with ur mum and also have nursery days to break up the week.
dh must share the drop off and pick ups 50/50. It’s not fair you are doing all of it

If waiting lists are two years, you need to be on a list regardless. You say Mon-Fri and then when your hours change, you let the nursery know which hours you don’t need.

Also, if waitlists are two years, why not go on them when you are pregnant?

Come off it, as if this is real….

Cancel Grandma and put your DD in nursery

Then show him the bill

Then he'll realise

Neither of you should be looking after the baby while working apart from an occasional emergency. You're being paid to work. You need a better plan.

Lots of people saying "your poor mum" etc. My mum retired early many years ago, she OFFERED to do this.

But you also admit that you have absolutely no other childcare and there’s a huge waiting list.

So she didn’t really have much choice did she?
What would you have done if she didn’t offer/said no?

And of course she’s not going to take any more money off of you when you were made redundant from your job and went from 2 incomes down to 1.

I’m sure your mum loves your DC but there’s a big difference between spending time with her because she wants to/you want her to vs having to do it because you literally have no other alternative.

Just because she’s retired, doesn’t mean she is not busy with doing things that she wants to do.

And on top of that your DH wants her to do it even more!
She must feel very used.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but really do think you should have some permanent childcare in place while you’re both working. I was never allowed to wfh with little children around (only in cases if child was ill) but I simply don’t think he’s wrong.

I put YABU as if I was your employer you would be out of a job.

No, neither of you should be working as well as doing childcare. You need to get proper childcare provision sorted and quickly. If either of your employers suspect that childcare is not in place, it's likely you'll be formally recalled to the office at best.

To be fair if you work 15 hours a week over 5 days, I’m assuming it’s 3 hours a day.

You are probably better off getting local childcare that could come to your home for 4 hours a day, 3/4 days a week, then letting your mother see your daughter as a treat to both 1/2 days per week.

The 12 mile drive each way, every day for 3 hours, sounds unnecessary to me. Your husband could help with drop offs & pick ups to your mother outside of his working hours.

And this is why employers are insisting that their staff go back to the office.

Why doesn't he do some of the drop offs etc

The issue is not so much that he won't do the odd look after - it's that you are entirely responsible for child care organisation

If you both work 50/50 child care organisation responsiblity is 50/50

Who does the washing, cooking, cleaning, meal planning, organising vaccinations?