To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

Difficult to know how to vote, as, overall he should be taking as much responsibility as you for being a parent, but we don't know how much of a joint decision the ridiculous set up you have re lack of childcare was.

but YABVU to pretend you are working, and to be taking a salary for supposedly working, when you have a 9month old you are caring for.

Of course he shouldn't be ducking out of work to look after a baby when he is paid to be working. Just as you shouldn't be. So he is right on that question.

It just isn't viable.

In this case you cancelled your mum and then got arsey because he wouldn't just drop his work for you, yes? That isn't OK and I'd be furious if my husband did that in anything but an emergency.

You need to have proper, reliable childcare.

As for dropping off, you say you work at your parents when you do that, so I'm puzzled by how it makes more sense for your partner to do it. But that aside, it should be a sensible conversation about who has enough slack in their day to accommodate it day to day, or agreed upfront and you each plan your schedule around it.

People seem to think that I'm pretending to work or not working at all... My work always gets done, I consistently perform highly, am proactive and undertake any tasks required of me. My manager has no concerns about me whatsoever and thinks highly of me. When I stared my job in November, during my "get to know" chats with other colleagues, they said they love the job because there is a lot of downtime. My friend who works at this place even told me to apply for the job because she said I can work at the same time as having my baby.

This is all well and good, but perhaps your husband’s job doesn’t enable him to do parenting tasks in parallel, so you shouldn’t be telling him to parent when he’s meant to be on the clock.

Hang on, you have only been there 2 months (so presumably in probation still) and are working with a baby? Absolute madness! Just because you are willing to risk your job/ take the piss, you absolutely should not expect DH to do the same

I don't understand how anyone can work as the same time as a baby. It's honestly really poor parenting. Babies especially older ones need stimulation and a chance to attend activities, reading and songs fresh air, play and development time with their care givers and as they get older exercise and a chance to socialise. I fail to see how babies can get this opportunities if a parent is working full time.

If you're working at the same time as looking as your baby then your baby isn't getting the attention and care it needs. Anyone just needs to read about "covid babies" to see how damaging it has been for some babies who are behind with milestones because they were denied these opportunities.

I work full time but have appropriate childcare as I couldn't possibly give my child what they need by working. You seem to be playing more emphasis on your own work than actually making sure your child is adequately cared for.

And also in this day and age, I can't see how any job that has nothing to do and heaps of downtime is going to be sustainable in the long run. There's no way any decent employer could afford to pay workers who had nothing to do.

There was arranged childcare: the OP just decided not to take advantage of it that day. So it’s not necessarily that he hasn’t taken an interest, the question is more — why didn’t you take advantage of the arranged childcare with your mother?

It sounds as if the OP happily arranged the childcare with her mother. It’s only come up as a problem because he won’t do as hoc childcare that’s only needed because the OP unilaterally called off her mother that day.

Neither of you should be looking after your DC while you’re working.

And you think your DH should have the same downtime/non working time but getting paid for it? Not how life works.

You've only been there 2 months? Aren't you skating on the proverbial thin ice here?

My friend who works at this place even told me to apply for the job because she said I can work at the same time as having my baby

Did your friend have a baby when they did this? Who watched their baby while they did calls etc?

The way he seems to be acting like it's entirely your responsibility is absolutely infuriating....however, your childcare arragement is not sufficient unfortunately and something needs to be organised (by both of you)

His additional 13k income would put a massive dent in a proper childcare bill then 50/50 on all other costs after that would make more sense.

I’ve got a baby who is 9 months and no way could I work with him around. I can barely get the chance to look at my phone unless he’s napping. Is your baby crawling yet? If not when they start it’s a different ball game and you need to organise proper childcare.

Presumably your DH’s boss isn’t as ‘amazing’ as yours and can’t accommodate his attitude? If you’ve only been there two months I would be super careful about what you’re doing too.

Edited to ask do you have colleagues in the same situation as you? I’d be raging if I was paying for full time childcare and a colleague was doing what you’re doing.

You need better child care. Get a mother’s helper or something. The set up you have is not sustainable

That's very unusual, and maybe you don't realise how much many other managers would not be ok with this, probably including your DH's.

It sounds like he delegates this decision to you (in terms of when you have your mum round), presumably because your job is so relaxed? If you've decided you don't need childcare that day, you can't then decide you need your DH to do it.

YANBU at all to see childcare as a joint responsibility.

You need to sit down together and make a proper plan for childcare.

Realistically speaking, your child needs to be in nursery at least some of the time so you aren’t worrying about “burning out” your Mum, or driving your baby longer distances than necessary in traffic. Can your Mum look after her for full days without you in her house? If not, I would say full time nursery is needed. Or can you (you or he, or both) drop a day of work, and use nursery three/ four days?

He is also very U to be playing games etc in work time.

I don’t understand what your plan is as your baby gets bigger. You can’t just pop a toddler in front of the telly for an entire day or even an afternoon. My son would climb anything and everything and I needed eyes on him at all times. And he started walking at 9 months. So whatever is working for you today in being half an employee and half a parent isn’t going to work really soon.

I would have been in serious trouble if I got a call or my boss called me into an online meeting unexpectedly and I had my baby on my lap so your husband is absolutely right not to do this.

This is an extremely odd way for a business to run, and highly unlikely to be sustainable. Paying tons of people full time wages to only work 15 hours and look after their children at the same time doesn't make any financial sense.

Mind you, I'm sceptical because my colleagues who WFH with their small kids say similar things - they're getting all their work done, no concerns etc. In reality what's happening is everyone else is picking up their slack and management are tolerating it because they're spineless.

Yabu for working at home whilst caring for a baby. You can't do both.

Work isn't paying you to watch your baby and babies need more attention. He's right you should have used your mum or get a child minder.

YABU. You don’t work full time.

You are paid full time but you’re actually looking after your baby part time, at least you should be if she’s home with no childcare.

Does your employer know you’re not working full time? Baby’s deserve close attention. Either reduce your hours (one of you) or arrange proper childcare.

Even if your employer is OK with it and they're mad if they're paying you not to work but I don't feel that arrangement I'd right for your baby either.
I'm with your dh you have help use it

When both of you are working you should both be working. That means the baby should not be in the house without another carer.
I would suggest arranging full time childcare and your husband will have to foot half the cost

You need a nursery

Working from home is working, and as others have said your child should be in an appropriate childcare setting where its needs will be prioritised.