Dropping hours - AIBU

[Blacksheeproaming]

Simple facts are DH and I both working full time. I’ve recently been on mat leave with baby who is 7 months.

Im finding 5 days too much and want to drop to 4. DH says he will ‘support’ it but resents me for it as it’s ‘the dream’ to only work 4 days per week. He hates his job.

I know the mumsnet standard is for the woman to just work full time but what do I do when I don’t actually want to work full time because I have a baby? AIBU? My head is so scrambled from arguing over it that I can’t think properly.

Could he drop to four days instead of you?

If your DP hates his job that’s his issue to resolve. Wanting to spend time with your child is different and I don’t think you should feel guilty for that- assuming it doesn’t put you as a family in a bad financial position.

If you can afford to why not both of you drop to 4 days (different days of week) - you save 2 days cost of childcare and you both get proper bonding time with your child - and neither of you feels 'put upon'.

I would drop to 4 if you are financially able to. You need to do what's best for you and your child.
You'll be greatly busy in your day off!

Hating his job - he needs to make changes. Is he wanting to retrain?

Neither of you want to work FT, neither of you has any more right to go PT just because of your sex. Can you afford for both of you to drop a day, and just pay for three days of childcare?

Not really the point of the thread but I'd be wary of dropping one day - often people end up with the same workload but less time to do it and 80% of the pay.

You and your partner really have to come to an agreement on this together to be honest. I’m going back to work 4 days a week after my maternity leave, husband totally supportive of that and was actually his idea initially, if he was at all resentful about it then I wouldn’t be doing it because we are a team, anything that pits us against each other isn’t worth it.

The thing is most people would rather work 4 days and have an extra day with their baby, could he not do the same so that you both work 4 days and have 1 day each off?

I think it's unfair to expect yourself to go to 4 days without a discussion with your husband about him doing the same - I think you either both need to drop to 4 or no one

Why do you want to drop to 4 days? Is it because you want to see the baby more and miss them? Or is it because you're finding 5 days a week while also doing all the nursery runs, meal planning, household tasks too much? I think if the former, then perhaps you and your DH need a better compromise - perhaps you both see ifyou can move to a 9 day fortnight, alternating a day with the baby each week?

If the latter, then either ryour DH steps up to do more so that you don't feel so overwhelmed, or he accepts you need more time at home.

Hang on the OP and partners reasoning is entirely different. Don’t confuse looking after a baby or toddler as a day off, it isn’t!

Does he resent it because he wants that extra day with your baby or because he hates his job? If the first, could you both drop to 4 days? If the second, he's being unfair to you and needs to look for a new job.

What rubbish- so the family is down 2 days of income just to be seen as fair

I don't think the standard is for both to work full time with a 7month old.

Can you afford to both drop to 4 days? You'd save on childcare. Although if it's only one of you then it's definitely you who should get it. You did the 9 months pregnancy, your body won't have even properly recovered itself after 7 months.

Go for it OP. And it sounds like your husband needs a new job! But as PP has said, make sure you have boundaries on workload or you may find they expect FT work in a 4 day week. Another option is compressed hours. I do compressed hours working longer days 5 days one week and 4 days the next and have every other Fri off. It's so nice to have a day with my little boy going to toddler group and a chance to catch up on house jobs before the weekend.

But it is women who do the bulk of childcare. OP wants to drop as she is exhausted. He wants to drop as he doesn’t like his job. I bet OP is doing the lion’s share of childcare and home/life admin as well as working full time.

Let him drop to four then but on the understanding he picks up more than 50 percent of all house and child work?

He resents it for both reasons, hating his job and wanting to be with the baby. I suggested he drop to 4 days as well but he says he has to support the family which isn’t entirely true as we would just have less overall? I’ve contributed fairly whilst I’ve been on mat leave paying out of savings. He won’t put in a condensed hours request as his company doesn’t like it.

The point is I want to work 4 days because I want to see my baby. I don’t want to work 5 and let him drop to 4. It’s then unfair on me for the same reasons!

Can you actually afford financially for you both to drop down to 4 days? As in, will bills etc be paid, money for food etc? If the answer is yes then honestly I would say both do it. More time with baby, less money spent on childcare, and no resentment because you both get it,

So you do acknowledge then that it is unfair for you to unilaterally decide you’re going to drop to 4 days?

Aaah, so he's one of THOSE huh? You had to use savings to pay "your share" of mat leave, and now he wants you to contribute equally, while refusing to consider options for himself.....

I am sorry OP, but I think you have bigger problems. My alarm bells always start ringing when a woman has had to fund her entire mat leave from her own savings. And they also ring when a man claims that his job is impossible to get any flexible hours, even though I guarantee that half the women in his office have got flexible hours.

So you've got two big red flags I can see from just a few very short posts. I suspect there are loads more.

We can afford to drop to 4 days, our standard of living would suffer but we could manage it. If it was just me dropping to 4 I would still contribute the same to our shared bills and I will just have less money.

It sounds like you need a big discussion (not argument) on what level of financial comfort you want as a family. If he would be happier working 4 days and having a day with the baby, then he should do that if you can afford it. If you dropping a day would put too much strain on the family finances then you shouldn't do it either.

Yes I acknowledge it but I’m not sure what to do about it.

I was just about to say the same thing. Perfect solution

He could still put in a request - they can always say no. He can't have it both ways!

Can you do 4 days condensed?

If you both moved to 4 days, once you take into account take home pay vs. cost of childcare, will you be much worse off?

DH and I both dropped a day so only had 3 days nursery payments, difference was negligible money-wise but hours were much better