Dropping hours - AIBU

[Blacksheeproaming]

Simple facts are DH and I both working full time. I’ve recently been on mat leave with baby who is 7 months.

Im finding 5 days too much and want to drop to 4. DH says he will ‘support’ it but resents me for it as it’s ‘the dream’ to only work 4 days per week. He hates his job.

I know the mumsnet standard is for the woman to just work full time but what do I do when I don’t actually want to work full time because I have a baby? AIBU? My head is so scrambled from arguing over it that I can’t think properly.

But yeah, you really shouldn't have been funding your maternity leave from your own personal savings. That's a family cost. 7 months is quite a short maternity leave these days, did you have to return earlier than you would have liked because you were running out of savings?

My company won’t support 5 days condensed to 4 and it would make DDs days in nursery very long as it’s a 20 min drive away.

Nursery is only £65 per day so whilst it would save a bit on childcare it’s far less than we earn per day especially with 15 hours funded.

Why not both do a nine day fortnight so you both get alternate weeks with one day off with baby and don't lose any money?

Just seen that you funded mat leave with your savings.
you have bigger issues than just wanting to drop a day at work

DH says his company won’t support this and see above I don’t want to lengthen my hours as it makes the nursery day very long. I don’t mind taking the financial hit personally.

Could you do 4 days 1 week and he do 4 days the following week as a compromise

It seems to me that as you're already in a precarious financial position as you've funded the entire maternity leave and if you drop to 4 days you are not planning to reduce your input to the family bills (and who pays for childcare now?), I don't think you should do this. Your DH is clearly financially controlling as it is. So unless you're a massive earner, I'd be a bit nervous about reducing your earnings while you're in a relationship like this.

Why would you contribute the same to shared bills if you were earning less? Why not divvy up relative to what you’re both taking home?

Our finances are quite complex but DH does contribute to other things that I would never be able to afford to. So the reason I’ve included it as info is that I’m not asking him to fund my hours drop.

See I think it all depends really on what you mean when you say your “standard of living would suffer” if you both dropped to 4 days.

If that means you’d not be able to keep the house warm, struggle to put food on the table, clothes for baby etc then it’s not doable and so neither of you should drop because as you say, one dropping isn’t fair.

BUT

If it just means you wouldn’t be able to have a week abroad in the summer or go to the restaurant every weekend but all the basics and household bills are fine then I think do it, and your partner has the option of doing it too as it is affordable with some compromise on the “fun” money.

Can he do 4 days compressed? You do 4 normal?

It's shit you had to fund your maternity leave from your savings! WTAF...

Regardless of whether your DH works five days, four condensed or four, he should be looking for another job if he hates the one he is in. Especially if his dislike is partly or largely about some of the people he works with.

Totally agree with the above poster .Surely your DH should have contributed more while you are on maternity leave.

Forget what you think the ‘mumsnet standard‘ is. Your life, your rules.

Secondly would you be doing childcare on that day?? It’s shit of him to be offering to ‘support you’ when you would actually STILL BE CONTRIBUTING TO THE FAMILY in a total valid way. Are you suggesting your ‘day off’ you would be spending at the spa all day??? I suspect it would more likely be childcare/supermarket/washing/cleaning. Which is still a totally valid contribution and not a day off.

Tell him to Fuck off and actually support you, which means saying yes fine; you’ve just birthed our baby! Do what you need. All pay into one account, bills paid, remaining split.

Anything less and he is not worth it. Don’t settle for his version of ‘equality’ which is completely undervaluing the contribution you have/are making to the family.

Yeah, sure, okay, so he's paying a bit more to things. But the issue here is that outside of bills (and I have no idea if you're paying 50% or how much you earn comparatively), you hav eso far taken on the bulk of the increased cost as a result of having a baby as you had to pay for your mat leave from YOUR savings. You haven't said who pays childcare, but I'm suspicious.

So he gets to choose when he spends extra - on holidays or whatever - but you don't as it was for the baby. So this is NOT a good financial position to be in.

Agree that if you have funded your own may leave, he’s a shit partner and not worth being married to. He’s not your partner at all infact; he is using you.

After our DC was born, both my husband and I dropped down to 4 days a week. It meant we both had a day a week with the baby, and the additional advantage of no childcare costs for 2 days a week. Yes our income suffered a bit, but we only did it for a year/18 months and it was worth it. (I do know how lucky we are to have been able to afford to do this.)

You should sit down and make a budget and see if it is affordable. Given that you are probably not going out much now you have a baby, you might find it’s more affordable than you think.

You also haven't said whether part of the reason you want the additional day is because you're exhausted. How much of the household tasks is he takign on?

Let me tell you a big truth: it doesn’t matter that you earn different amounts. It’s actually completely irrelevant. You’re married. If it matters in your marriage, that he earns more than you; you will likely be financially better off divorcing him and seeking 50:50 custody or maintenance. I’ll say it again: he is not your partner. Actually he is the person in the world who is taking the most advantage of you.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He seems unable or unwilling to improve his position by reducing/condensing hours and also doesn’t want you to. Misery loves company comes to mind. Makes no sense. He’s being selfish. As a family you will all benefit from you working slightly less. Your DH needs to learn that he’s not the center of the universe and everyone’s wellbeing is important.

The difference being that op wants to drop to 4 days to spend time with her baby, her husband just hates his job so wants to work less for that reason. He needs to work on finding a job that he likes better, op it’s not unreasonable for you to want to work a day less to spend time with your baby.

A 9 day fortnight isn't condensing your hours it's you doing 5 days one week and 4 the next.

It's not unreasonable for both of you to ask your employees, find out the decision and take it from there.

OP has already said he also wants to spend time with baby, so if that’s not unreasonable for OP then it’s not unreasonable for him either.

Could he not put in a flexible work request too - he could do compressed hours either weekly or fortnightly if you can't afford the salary cut. Then with each of you working 4 days a week you're cut down on your childcare costs.

We really need to normalise Dad's requesting flexible working patterns too and then it will start becoming easier for both genders to balance family and work life.

It’s a difficult one - because it’s not unreasonable for you to want to drop your hours.

But - some if the wider stuff potentially is.

eg. If you dropping your hours forces a higher financial burden on your husband. Or if it means that he can’t leave a job he hates because it changes your family lifestyle too much.

It might help to take a pause and a step back and have one of the grown up conversations about where you’re both wanting to go in life and how you approach things. And come up with a joint plan, that doesn’t leave either person feeling like carrying more of the burden or all of the compromise compared to the other one.

Him working 5 days in a job he hates while you work 4 days in a job you’re ok with is unlikely to a recipe for a positive family life. It’s easy to say reduce spending, but do need to work out what that looks like in reality and how tight or otherwise it leaves things. Both working 4 days might mean a single car, or no car, or no holidays, or no travel to family, or no wriggle room for mortgage rate changes, or giving up hobbies, or giving up home help.

Sit down together and work out some scenarios. And remember to do them net if tax and childcare costs etc. Sometimes the take home hit isn’t as big as people assume, depending on where you sit on tax bands.