Dropping hours - AIBU

[Blacksheeproaming]

Simple facts are DH and I both working full time. I’ve recently been on mat leave with baby who is 7 months.

Im finding 5 days too much and want to drop to 4. DH says he will ‘support’ it but resents me for it as it’s ‘the dream’ to only work 4 days per week. He hates his job.

I know the mumsnet standard is for the woman to just work full time but what do I do when I don’t actually want to work full time because I have a baby? AIBU? My head is so scrambled from arguing over it that I can’t think properly.

she’s not saying he can’t - he’s said he can’t or won’t

@Blacksheeproaming you've got a bigger issue here if your dh hates his job.

This needs addressing primarily or it will fester. If you have a second, you may want to drop to 3, it's not going to fly with a miserable spouse.

YANBU to want to spend more time with the baby but you need to address and sort the priority issue here.

This is the issue I see. Why can't he talk to his work about compressed hours or dropping a day?

I don't think you wanting to drop a day is unreasonable, nor is it unreasonable for your partner to want to do the same. I don't get how so many people on MN assume it has to be mum who stays at home.

I think the fact he won't do anything about it is his problem and is where he is being unreasonable. If he can't talk to work and see if he can sort out different hours that is his problem.

I'd do some sums and see if you can afford for both of you to do 4 days.

I always said to DH he could go part time as I earn more (even PT) but he was happy with five days.

Idk really I'd say your dh needs an entirely new job if he's that miserable.

Yep, and OP also said they would suffer financially if he did, and hasn’t confirmed what that really means (i.e. does it mean they will struggle to heat, feed, clothe and house themselves or does it mean they’d just have to have a week in the Lakes rather than in Dubai this year) so it’s impossible to say whether it’s actually a viable choice or not without that info.

Errr this. The 4 days thing is the least of it! You were caring for his child on maternity leave so not sure why you picked up the financial tab as well. He’s manipulated you into a terrible position for you but yeah great for him. Let me guess he has a Very Important Job so can’t do night wakings?!

I struggle to accept he can’t even ask or get condensed hours / flexible working. That’s also super convenient for him

In your shoes l would do the 4 days a week if it was something l wanted to do. But would contribute less money as you will be roughly earning 20% less. He either needs to do 5 days into 4 or the 4 days. Plus stop with the moaning. You need to stop feeding into his nonsense.

Longer term, no reason why it can't be equal, but it does take one's body quite a time to recover from birth and babies are more closely bonded with their mothers hence mums tend to take the first bit of leave.

To be fair, these days it is really really uncommon that one salary is ever enough to fund all a whole family and their household bills, it’s really common now that savings are needed to fund maternity leave.

Unfortunately you have married a dud.

My husband is completely funding any wage drops on my maternity as we have totally joint finances, we decided together how long I’ll be having off and it certainly wasn’t based on my personal savings, he was supportive for me to have the maximum time and happy to pay for this.

Equally he’s more than happy for me to return part time, so our baby isn’t in full time childcare and frankly is proud to fund/facilitate this, he certainly wouldn’t dream of me covering the drop in hours out of my own money when I’m going to be looking after our child and our home!

Surely this is the minimum we should be expecting from our husbands or we’d be better off divorcing?!

If your contributing 50% to household outgoings then your literally not effecting whether he to can go part time.
You won’t get this time back so I would drop your hours and he can sort his hours out

Have you done the maths on him dropping a day as its not just the £65 nursery saved it's the tax and Ni (and pension) on the 5th day too, so the difference may not be as big as you think.

But you're ok for him to watch you do it?

This is difficult, but if he really hates his job, instead of complaining about it and using it as a weapon to stop you dropping to 4 days, he should do something about it.

Other thoughts, but do either of your jobs have schemes where you can "buy" extra annual leave? If you could both do this, it might allow you to each have a day off a fortnight for example? Obviously your take home money would be a bit less, but his company may be more receptive to this than requests for flexible working.

Is there an option for you to work at home some of the time? Obviously you would still be working, but it would give you more time at the beginning and end of the day to spend with your baby.

Sorry if none of this is helpful - just trying to think outside the box. Good luck, I hope you sort something out.

I will always find the idea of married people co-parenting but not sharing finances super confusing. In my head this is a joint decision as the money is for the family and the expenses are for the family. I don't understand how you could continue to keep it all separate so 'you' are funding xyz and he is funding whatever else.

However... employers can't just 'not like' flexi working, you have rights to it - and these rights have increased post-covid. My husband and I both flexi worked to work full time in 4 days plus a couple hours from home one day a week (at naptime when the kids were little). Where I live, the schools close Friday afternoons so I've kept this schedule for 12 years now while my husband shifted it once both our kids were in school. It meant we only paid nursery for 3 days and then after school club too. It's been a really good balance for us.

I don't understand how to evaluate how anything is 'fair' or 'unreasonable' without you pooling all your resources - money 'and' time and then stepping back and looking at the whole thing.

You also have a right to request additional unpaid time off to spend time with dependent children. This is better for school age though as imho for under 5s, consistent routine and fewer hours a week in nursery etc matters.

Probably not a popular view but I think after carrying a baby for nine months, probably breastfeeding, the wear and tear on your health and body then you are entitled to work only 4 days a week. Especially as he will be no worse off as you will still be contributing the same amount and just having less for yourself. Tbh he isn't in a position to complain as it is not affecting him. You have already given him the option to do the same thing himself.

Yanbu. I rolled my eyes at him saying he hates his job and would love to do 4 days but won’t broach it with work/change his role. He may say “ok they don’t like condensed hours” or 80% FTE but he won’t actually ask…

Also don’t get the finances thing when you are married and share a child.

NB remember here it’s not just you who will benefit but the baby too, same for your decision not to pursue condensed days making baby’s day at nursery long. He should be supportive on that basis alone.

i bet you do the majority of household organising op

Hard work being married to someone who is -miserable in their job, -won't change, -believes time off looking after children is some easy option - but also doesn't want to find a solution where they too can work less and spend time with the baby.

People have already suggested what I came on to say - either both drop to 4 days only needing 3 days childcare or 9 day fortnights each but with a slight hours reduction not compressed, so 4 days childcare needed.

Your child is only young once and if you want to spend more time with them and can afford to then you should. You need to agree the best solution with your DH.

My DH works full time but I do 4 days and find the extra day I get with DS really beneficial.

Yes, savings are often needed (my husband and l used ours). But surely you use joint savings? Like l said it’s galling she has a medical procedure, took most likely over 6 months off work and did more than 50/50 childcare including over night (probably the lions share). Then she needs to make up the financial short fall as she’s isn’t at work for 37.5-40 hours a week?!

Are these “ other things that you couldn’t afford to pay “ things that financially benefit you alone, both of you or him alone ?

Because when you spent your savings on the maternity leave , the only person who benefitted financially was him.

If you cut down your hours but pay the same, he benefits from paying less of the bills and also the bill for childcare.

You lose from less pension, less career and promotion opportunities , you pay more of the bills and your will almost certainly have to do more unpaid work at home than him, because you are PT and he is FT.

When your child is sick and can’t go to nursery, YOU will have to take the parental leave not him, because his job is a Big Man Job and your job is a Silly Mummy Pin Money Job.

You will have to do the pick ups and drop offs because ^^

Your boss will get pissed off at you taking all the extra time off when your child has two parents. you will seem as not a team player because you expect everyone else to cover for your husband and he doesn’t even work there.

Your husband will get more promotions and money and you will get less. You will do more childcare and housework and wifework and he will do less. He will get more power in the relationship and you will get less.

It’s a very bad move for you.

I suggest you see more of your baby by sharing the housework and Wife work 50:50 when you are both at home. And using joint money to buy in help to do housework etc .

Don’t drop a day with a man like the one you are married to.

both drop to 4? or he drops to 4 first since you are only just back after ML?

is DH a hands on dad or does he envy the 4 days simply because he hates his job. if he pulls his weight and takes on a good chunk of the housework, could he reduce his hours? it would give you more breathing space work wise. He knows you aren't planning 4 days just to put the legs up but that there is a tiny human who is a lot of work?