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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm afraid my daughter will have gender disappointment with new sibling

95 replies

Risingsun93 · 05/01/2025 14:45

I'm currently 4 months pregnant and have been firm in not finding out the gender, I'm happy with any.
However my daughter who will be 4 in February keeps referring to bump as 'she' and regularly talks about wanting a sister. We told her when I was 12 weeks pregnant and explained many times that we don't get to choose and it could be a boy. She will ignore this fact and continue to say things like "I don't want a brother", "I don't want a baby boy". She's absolutely lovely in every manner and I completely understand the want to have a sister. I'm thinking that I need to budge and find out gender now so she has time to accept if it is in fact a boy. I'm afraid she'll not want to bond/have a dislike for the baby? But this kind of breaks my heart as I desperately want the surprise at the birth.
AIBU ? Is it better to find out now for her sake.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 05/01/2025 14:47

With respect, she's 4 and doesn't know what she's talking about! Stick with your original plan. She'll be fine.

Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2025 14:48

DD is 19 and DS is 16 and she never got over the baby being a boy.
Not sure what you can do but be as encouraging as possible, I tell Dd that at least DS doesn't steal her stuff!

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/01/2025 14:49

She'll have to get over it like millions of other kids 🤷‍♂️

And when the baby arrives, I'm sure she will.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/01/2025 14:50

I think in your shoes I would find out, your DD is obviously a bit confused by the idea that the baby could be either a boy or a girl and so I agree it seems sensible to find out so that she knows whether she is getting a brother and a sister. In reality I am sure once the baby arrives it won’t make a huge difference either way and even if she is disappointed with a boy she will get over it quickly, but it seems like knowing may help her bond with the idea of her sibling and understand the pregnancy more.

Ilikewinter · 05/01/2025 14:51

No, to find out the gender of your unborn child due to a 4 year olds reaction is quite frankly ridiculous.

Hufflemuff · 05/01/2025 14:51

Ughhh she's 4. Disappointment is part of life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2025 14:55

DD, also 4 when my second was born, was adamant she only wanted a baby sister. Her best friend is a boy so she’s not anti boy but she just pictured the baby as a girl. We just repeated we’d find out on the day and the baby would love her whatever sex it was.

She adores him, has done from the second she met him and held him in her arms. She never mentioned it again, she’s always proudly told people she’s got a baby brother. She also likes being my only daughter so I have the best daughter and the best son.

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/01/2025 14:57

Don’t do that. My DD was overjoyed when she met her baby brother after he was born. No need to build this up. When baby is here she will be excited.

My DF’s DD cried at her gender reveal so don’t do that!

Moltenpink · 05/01/2025 14:59

I was in the same situation with a four year old convinced he was having a baby sister. I ended up having a private gender scan so I could get him used to the idea if it turned out to be a boy. It’s preferable to adjust in the months before the birth in my opinion- having a new sibling is a big deal for a little one.

ilovepuppies2019 · 05/01/2025 15:02

I would go down the prepping her route. I would read lots of books on getting a sibling and make sure that getting a brother a sister are well represented. Make up a social story on the computer and read it with her quite a few times so there she understands the process. Have her toys receive a new sibling and act out the different possibilities so that she has ‘experienced’ thr possibility.’ Buy a new ‘baby boy doll’ and play mummies and siblings so that she can play with the idea is hacinf a brother. Watch kid friendly episodes on having a sibling and pause it frequently to ask her what she things and how she would respond
(Arthur has a rough ride with DW so that might change her mind).

Essentially, play, play and more play around the different possibilities. Having a sibling will be awful for a few months for her regardless of gender so it’s best to really plan for the reality of a new baby. My brother loathed me and he couldn’t believe that I was taking time away from Mum :D Now we’re best friends!

Everydayimhuffling · 05/01/2025 15:05

Personally I would find out why she wants a sister. It could well be that she thinks then the baby will be like her, in which case you can talk about how siblings are often similar either way. There are lots of films and shows about sisters, I've noticed (I have one of each), so it can feel like that is a special bond that you don't get with a brother.

Ticketytutu · 05/01/2025 15:05

My daughter was desperate for a baby sister,she was told at midday he was a boy , cried and was over it by teatime !
Granddaughter aged just 5 desperate for baby brother which she is getting but has now changed her mind and would rather a sister! It resembles will be fine OP ,you are overthinking this .

Tiswa · 05/01/2025 15:08

You know your child best, some will react better prepping and some will react better finding out in the moment (and at 4 I suspect it is clear which)
DD needed preparing and then was adamant about a name she wanted for him (which we used) and they now have a v good relationship and she is glad he isn’t a girl and she has a baby brother (even though at 15 and 12 he is 5 inches taller!)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/01/2025 15:10

When DD2 started saying she wanted a baby brother (I wasn't even pregnant), it went on for ages until DD1 mustered up the most world weary ten year old voice;

'Well <sigh>, I was hoping for a puppy and ended up with you, so don't be getting your hopes up too high'.

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 05/01/2025 15:12

We didn't find out (my daughter was almost 7 at the time, she didn't want to find out either!). She loved coming to visit in hospital and loved being the one to find out which we had (boy!) and then tell granny and grandma she had a brother. I think the surprise was almost the best bit for her! She went into school the next day and did a gender reveal (unbeknownst to us!) with confetti she'd made 😂 the class loved it apparently!
I wouldn't find out, just keep talking about the baby, that it could be a boy or a girl, and no matter what it is, we'll love it just like we love you.

Mayflyoff · 05/01/2025 15:14

We had DD2 when DD1 was 4. DD1 had said that she wanted a sister. When I said, "you've got the sister you wanted", she said, "no, I meant an older one".

You just can't win. I'd not bother worrying about.

oakleaffy · 05/01/2025 15:15

@Risingsun93 Let it be a surprise.
You have a 50:50 chance.

Centuries of siblings have had to wait for birth itself.

DazedLion · 05/01/2025 15:16

wishful thinking out loud haha, she’ll be over it before the days out and will love him/her all the same. Don’t find out

IdaPolly · 05/01/2025 15:19

I guess some adults have gender disappointment and she's got the excuse of only being 3. I'm sure she'll get used to whatever sibling she has.

Ghostin · 05/01/2025 15:21

I went back and forth on this with my 4yo as well. I didn’t want to find out the baby’s sex but I thought he might find it easier to visualise it if he knew. He initially was adamant he wanted a sister, and I wondered if finding out would help in the event that the baby is a boy.

In the end I decided not to find out because I always feel with adults who have a particular preference for sex it’s better not to find out until the baby is born because the excitement of the baby eclipses any feeling of disappointment! I hope it will be the same for a child. And then, as it happened, my son ended up changing his mind about whether he wants it to be a boy or a girl several times throughout the pregnancy. He’s back to wanting a sister at the moment but at times has fiercely wanted a brother.

I’m due any day so I will see if my strategy paid off soon. My only advice to you would be to keep reminding her that it could be either and that it will be fun and exciting either way. Once the baby is here as a real person, her feelings regarding its sex will be minimised by her feelings towards the baby itself.

IdaPolly · 05/01/2025 15:22

If an adult has a preference I think it's better to find out earlier, but you want the surprise so dont

PassingStranger · 05/01/2025 15:22

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/01/2025 14:49

She'll have to get over it like millions of other kids 🤷‍♂️

And when the baby arrives, I'm sure she will.

Exactly what did they do before scans.

AspirationalTallskinnylatte · 05/01/2025 15:24

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/01/2025 14:47

With respect, she's 4 and doesn't know what she's talking about! Stick with your original plan. She'll be fine.

This
It's easy to get all in a flap about what your toddler first born thinks, but really it's inconsequential

EsmeeMerlin · 05/01/2025 15:26

My ds1 was desperate for a sister, when we told him he was having a brother he sulked for an entire weekend. Soon got over it although occasionally when ds2 annoys him he wistfully says he wishes he had a sister 😁

Your dd will be fine I would talk as much as possible about baby possibly being a boy.

dreamersdown · 05/01/2025 15:28

My 3 year old was furious when her sister was born because she wasn’t an apple.