I'm afraid my daughter will have gender disappointment with new sibling

[Risingsun93]

I'm currently 4 months pregnant and have been firm in not finding out the gender, I'm happy with any.
However my daughter who will be 4 in February keeps referring to bump as 'she' and regularly talks about wanting a sister. We told her when I was 12 weeks pregnant and explained many times that we don't get to choose and it could be a boy. She will ignore this fact and continue to say things like "I don't want a brother", "I don't want a baby boy". She's absolutely lovely in every manner and I completely understand the want to have a sister. I'm thinking that I need to budge and find out gender now so she has time to accept if it is in fact a boy. I'm afraid she'll not want to bond/have a dislike for the baby? But this kind of breaks my heart as I desperately want the surprise at the birth.
AIBU ? Is it better to find out now for her sake.

When I was pregnant with my now 54 year old "child" my then five year old nephew expressed an interest that they would be of a certain sex. I contradicted him saying I wished for the opposite, which he didn't like.

You never know, little nephew said, you might have a puppy, I'd like a puppy, or a kitten.

I just gave him a cuddle and told him we would love whatever was given to us, girl, boy, puppy or kitten. He agreed.

Honestly she will be fine when the baby comes. Don't overthink it or make any comment when she refers to the baby as she. Just keep using he or she when you talk about the baby - for example 'you're going to be a wonderful big sister to the baby when he or she comes' and 'he or she is going to love you so much!'

If she’s anything like my granddaughter she will insist the baby is a girl anyway. My DGD declares everything is a girl … the spider on the wall, the bird in the tree …. The sun is also a girl.

seriously don’t worry about it 😂

I would find out. A new sibling coming can be a difficult transition as it is, you want to smooth that journey as much as possible for all your sakes. Waiting a surprise at the birth will pale into insignificance compared to what could be weeks of behavioural issues to navigate while you have a new born.

If you know you will have plenty of time to really get her used to the idea and make it real, rather than a maybe which can be difficult for a 4 year old to get their head around.

My dc1 was adamant he was getting a brother for years. We had lots of ivf, he was clueless. He was always waiting for his brother, though, from he could speak to tell us.

When he was 7, I finally had a successful ivf round. It was twins, but I lost one at 10 weeks. When we told him I was pregnant, he was absolutely over the moon. My brother is coming etc. Then we went for a private scan to show him our baby. No one knew what we were having. He looked at the scan and said, "That is my sister."

From then, it was all about his sister coming. A few weeks later, it was confirmed that she was indeed his sister and he was delighted that he knew first. He adores her and she him. He has not mentioned a brother since and she is 2. Also definitely the last!

My dd was dead set on a brother. She was a supremely stroppy toddler so we did decide to find out what we were having as I had no intention of dealing with her screaming when I’d just given birth. As it happened, it was a boy and all was well so we didn’t tell her we knew. If it had been a girl we still wouldn’t have told her in advance, but we’d have done a lot more prep around sisters. I was ambivalent about finding out so it didn’t bother me to know. I just wanted to be prepared on her behalf. You know what kind of toddler you have- are they pretty easy going? Mine wasn’t so finding out made my life easier in the long run. Do whatever suits YOU best.

We had this exact issue. Dd was 4 and to her baby was a girl, end of. We ended up getting a private scan where she could attend. She was made a fuss of as big sis, sat in a special chair, was soo soo excited to see baby on the screen, waving, heard heart beat that when they said it’s a boy she was just happy and not upset at all. He’s now two and she says she loves her brother more than anyone.

She might be a bit upset when he’s first born but she will get over it very quickly.

I was sort of lucky when I had my two. Dd was nearly 2 (ds was born on the 4th of March, dd was the 26th of March with a 2 year difference) so she didn’t really understand that she was getting a little brother or that she even wanted a brother or sister

This

She’ll get over it. I wanted a baby brother, I got 4 baby sisters, I was sad for half a second and then I moved on.

My older sister wanted a puppy.

I don't think she's ever quite got over it. 😄

I’d find out. Friends who didn’t regretted it… one disliked her baby brother for the first year, because she had her heart set on a girl. One was convinced she was having a sister and she seems to like her brother, but asks often when her sister is coming. Of the 8 of us, 7 have further kids, and 4 kids have struggled with not knowing.

I think I’d treat this the same as if one of the parents had a strong risk of gender disappointment and find out. You can prepare her a lot better that way, and it’ll make your life easier. But it’s your call! It doesn’t sound like she’s going to accept the possibility of a brother easily beforehand, so just prepare for a tough transition, and if it goes better, you’ll be winning.

Honestly, I'd be explaining that it will be a surprise, just like you don't know what you are getting for Xmas or birthdays until it arrives. No need to overthink it, or change your plans to placate a 4 year old.

If this was my child, I would be pointing out that the sex is only one thing about the baby, that there are other things about them that we don't know in advance and have to find out as the baby gets older and their personality shows more.

For example, the baby might have different colour eyes to big sister's (if they might), they might like to draw or colour in when they get older, or maybe they won't want to do that. They might like messy play, or building with Lego, or riding a bike. They might not like spaghetti, or think salt and vinegar is a better crisp flavour than cheese and onion. It's all an unknown, and you get to find out what they're like from when they're born. It's very exciting indeed.

This. Be the parent.

Do you have any siblings op, younger or older? And what sex are they?

My nieces of similar age were gutted to find out my pregnant belly was a baby boy but adored him when he arrives as he is a cute little baby

This is so cute

Isn’t it?

She's 3. Why call a 3 year old a drama queen for wanting a sister? I bet a 3 year old boy wanting a brother to play with wouldn't be called sexist names.