I'm afraid my daughter will have gender disappointment with new sibling

[Risingsun93]

I'm currently 4 months pregnant and have been firm in not finding out the gender, I'm happy with any.
However my daughter who will be 4 in February keeps referring to bump as 'she' and regularly talks about wanting a sister. We told her when I was 12 weeks pregnant and explained many times that we don't get to choose and it could be a boy. She will ignore this fact and continue to say things like "I don't want a brother", "I don't want a baby boy". She's absolutely lovely in every manner and I completely understand the want to have a sister. I'm thinking that I need to budge and find out gender now so she has time to accept if it is in fact a boy. I'm afraid she'll not want to bond/have a dislike for the baby? But this kind of breaks my heart as I desperately want the surprise at the birth.
AIBU ? Is it better to find out now for her sake.

From experience as the adult version of your daughter who had a brother....

Find out as early as possible and prep her ahead of the birth if its a boy.

Otherwise shes going to have spent 20% of her life hoping for a sister that isnt coming.

Wall have disappointments in life. This will be a very minor one.

With kindness, you need to get a grip or she will be ruling the roost. 5 months is a long way off, just humour her till then

When my Ds2 was born Ds1 wanted to send him back and get a cat, he didn't even like cats! They're adults now and both say that even if they weren't brothers they would be best friends.

It really shouldn’t be this big a drama unless your / her life revolves around stereotypes about what girls and boys can do. She’ll get what she’s given as a sibling, quite literally!

We found at with our 2nd when our 1st was 4 for the same reason. She struggled to understand that we didn't know so we found out and then could refer to her baby brother and it all made sense to her.

We probably would have found out anyway though so wasn't a big decision but got rid of any disappointment for her at not having a sister

She's 4! Gender disappointment? She'll get over it.

Why on earth would you find out sex of your baby to appease a 4 year old? When did kids start ruling the adult world?

Good Lord! You're not actually thinking about spoiling your own surprise for the sake of a 4 year old?

She will absolutely get over it, do not indulge this bonkers thought in your head!

My observation from seeing "gender reveals" online is that typically girls want a sister and boys want a brother. So it's perfectly normal.

I'd just play it down. If she says "sister" you can say "it may be a brother". Stop there. Make it less important. Talk about "the baby". "They" may do this etc.

When baby is born, then you can let them know, but in a breezy way "your little brother/sister has bought you this cookie, and can you pass the wipes for me. You're a brilliant big sister. I'm so lucky to have you to help".

There's also one of the "Little Princess" books called "I want a sister" which you could get-but again get with other books and don't make a big thing about it.

OP, people are being mean and silly. Of course you’re concerned about your dd being desperate for a sister and how that will affect her relationship with baby sibling if they are a brother!

My DS was desperate for a brother. He has 3 sisters! During the pregnancy with dd2 (middle dd), he was calling her by a boy’s name and ‘my brother’. We didn’t know the sex. Once she was here, he didn’t mind.

We found out with dd3(youngest) and he cried. But once she arrived he said ‘I don’t mind not having a brother because she’s awesome.

Gender disappointment?

fuckinghell🙄 aged 4. If she carries on being a drama queen, gender disappointment will be the least of your worries.

SHE IS 4.

She'll be fine. Don't pander to it or worry about it. It's just life.

Very clearly cut it off. Sadie we don’t know if it is a girl or boy but that doesn’t matter - boys and girls like the same things don’t you etc

Does matter of baby is a boy as baby will like you Dollies / cars/ dogs too.

refer to bump as the baby and keep it neutral

If you want a suprise, then stick with it.

She's as likely to decide if she gets a baby sister that she would rather have a puppy/kitten/wants to send her back at some point, so I wouldn't over think it.

This reminds me of my daughter she was 4 when we booked a private scan to find out the sex of her new sibling. The doctor whispered it to her for her to tell us, honestly the disappointment on her face telling us it was a boy 😂 we went out shopping for some bits straight after and she picked him a little blue comforter which she enjoyed and was his absolute favourite and he still loves, age 5 and 10 now they get on absolutely fine!

I (F) was 5 when my brother was born and I’d been hoping for a sister too. I vividly remember my Dad phoning my Grandmother who was watching me and saying ‘it’s a boy’ I was upset for all of 5 mins until Gran made a fuss of me, took me shopping to buy ‘blue’ presents and off to the hospital to meet baby brother, all was well. We fought like all siblings do but of course loved each other and it wouldn’t have made a difference if I’d have known or not - stick to your plan!

Aw bless you, she'll get over it! Not the same I know but our 4yo niece cried when she found out our unborn baby was a boy, a few weeks later she'd come up with a name for him and is now really excited. I'm sure your daughter will be even more excited once she meets the actual baby

All my kids have had gender disappointment! My eldest was massively pissed off when we found out I was having a girl, then that girl (at age 4) was disappointed I had a boy next, now both my youngest really wanted a girl with my 4th but it's a boy! But they come round because all babies are a blessing and adorable

A friend's daughter somehow thought their new baby would be a build-a-bear and was outraged at his appearance 😊

My children are in their 20s and still dd tells ds that she wanted a sister! They are very good friends and neither appear to be traumatised.

My oldest DD was 5 when youngest DD came along. We didn’t find out either and whole pregnancy she kept talking about how she wanted a sister called Lola (spoiler we didn’t name her Lola)

Had DD and rang MILs house to let her and whole family know and DD cried cos she decided on the day she wanted a brother. Kids are fickle and a bowl of ice cream later she was over her trauma abs excited for a sister.

"We get what we get. We are blessed to have one".
That was the message to our almost 4 year old waiting to be the big sister. Of course her first choice was a girl like herself. A mini me.
That's the reality that you don't get to choose.
They are a happy sister and brother.

With number three they discussed the advantages and disadvantages of a girl/boy for a long time. There they were teenagers.
They are very happy with their little sister.

Mine have a 2.5 year gap and when dd1 was 4 I asked her if she was glad she had a sister or would she like to have been an only child. She said she'd like to have been an only child. Fair enough. I did ask! She's liked having a sister as she's got older though.

So what if it is a boy? Since there is nothing you can do about it what are you hoping will happen because of the gender reveal or finding out earlier?

We can”t “protect” our children from everything. Why are you not just saying ‘she’s four and will
get over it’ instead of trying to protect her, worrying about it or trying to mitigate the situation.

I would see this as an opportunity to build resilience and that sometimes you can’t get what you want and sometimes things aren’t fair.

At 4yo many children will have strong preferences for having the blue bowl, the green jumper, the stripy pen, the third from left toilet cubical etc.
And they can be devastated when they don't get it. Wanting to choose a brother or sister is exactly the same thing.

The Op isn't saying that she is encouraging or thinks it's right, simply how to handle it. She's wondering if it's better to know, and let her dd know so that if she's upset then they get that over before the baby actually is here, when they might have less patience and headspace to deal with it.

And that's a perfectly good question.

My dd was born without a hand. We found out at the 20 week scan. It's about 50/50 who finds out at a scan and who finds out at birth.
It's been often discussed which is best.
Funnily enough, most people who found out at the scan say that was best, because they were able to work it through, do research, and when baby is born, just rejoice in the baby.
But most people who didn't find out until birth say they think that was best. They didn't have the long worry that there might be other issues (less than 1% do have other issues, but if they do they can be major), or have to think about it, they just have to get on with the reality.
The people who did feel the other way is better often are struggling in other ways too, and this is a easy thing to blame.

And OP, I suspect this is similar. if you choose to find out and tell now, then she'll probably be upset; but get over it and be excited about having a brother when they're born (if a boy).
If you wait, she may have a greater shock at the time, but will have to get on with the reality in front of her, so less time to think about it.
Whichever way you do, you'll probably feel that you're glad you did it that way, but if it does work out badly, it probably would have worked badly the other way, and there's more to it than just being a boy/girl.

And for what it's worth, my nearly 4yo announced when I was 8 months pregnant that "that baby is not using my buggy!"
Bearing in mind that she'd spent nearly 4 years kicking up a stink if I ever tried to put her in/ask her to go in the buggy, this did feel a little unfair.
However when baby arrived, baby went in the buggy and I heard nothing about it being her buggy or that the baby wasn't to use it.
4yos are like that.