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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking in sole charge of DD 17 months

106 replies

AmIwrong1234 · 05/01/2025 00:13

I went out for drinks tonight, not something I do often. Had quite a few but felt safe in knowledge that my child was being cared for with DH. I knew DH was having a few people round for company when DD was asleep. DH rarely drinks.

I’ve come home to him passed out on the sofa and not very coherent when I spoke with him and found 8 empty beer bottles. I know only one other person was drinking so assuming four beers each.

DH is a lightweight and a heavy sleeper without the beer. He’d promised me he’d be up overnight to look after DD so I could have a night off. DD breastfeeds still, usually just a morning and night feed. But can’t want and try and get very pissed off if she doesn’t get it from me during the night, to eliminate this he’d promised to get up with her as she settles fine either him overnight without the feed.

AIBU to be pissed off he’s slightly drunk and unlikely to waken while in sole charge of DD and think it’s a bit dangerous. Also on another note be pissed off he’s unlikely to get up when DD inevitably wakens soon and I’ll have to settle her without feeding her when he was meant to! (I’ve had equivalent of a bottle of wine so can’t feed and she’ll not settle either me without a feed just yet in middle of night).

OP posts:
DidILeaveTheGasOn · 05/01/2025 00:19

Gosh,it seems a bit much over 4 empty beer bottles - presumably the 330ml ones, not the big ones? If he rarely drinks and would be a bit drunk after four small bottles then I suppose the amount is irrelevant, it's that he's not thought it through and will now blissfully sleep through the night.
Nuclear option perhaps, but could you wake him and see what state he's in? Was he really passed out on the sofa after 4 bottles of beer?

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 05/01/2025 00:21

We're talking about a bottle of wine and four small bottles of beer between two adults, no one's been doing shots. I don't think it reflects badly on either side.

CoraTheExplora · 05/01/2025 00:21

Oh please get a grip. He hasn't taken heroin ffs

Hayley1256 · 05/01/2025 00:24

4 bottles of beer sounds fine, if baby wakes up surely he should be able to deal with her? Have you expressed any milk or what was he planning on feeding her if she's hungry?

10speckledfrogs · 05/01/2025 00:25

It doesn't matter that you had a bottle of wine you can still feed the baby you know. As long as you are with it enough to safely hold the baby you can still breastfeed. You would have to give yourself alcohol poisoning for your breastmilk to contain more alcohol than a glass of orange juice would contain

Just don't co sleep tonight. As for your partner, it is pretty crap of him not to consider this before drinking.

littlebox · 05/01/2025 00:28

Hayley1256 · 05/01/2025 00:24

4 bottles of beer sounds fine, if baby wakes up surely he should be able to deal with her? Have you expressed any milk or what was he planning on feeding her if she's hungry?

But he's passed out on the sofa so it sounds like 4 bottles of beer is absolutely not fine for him!

GreenGrass28 · 05/01/2025 00:28

I'd say maybe don't get angry before it's happened. He may be a bit sleepy after 4 beers, but no reason he can't still get up and look after your DD if she wakes. Wake him now. Get him into bed and give him a big nudge if/when she wakes to get up. He's said he'll do it, no reason he shouldn't stick to it.

Also, at 17 months, I'd still breastfeed even after a few wines. Not that I think you should, because you deserve a night off, but just saying if you had to, it would be fine.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/01/2025 00:30

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

Why? The OP was entitled to a night out and should have been able to rely on her DH to hold the fort!

Hayley1256 · 05/01/2025 00:35

littlebox · 05/01/2025 00:28

But he's passed out on the sofa so it sounds like 4 bottles of beer is absolutely not fine for him!

Show quote history

I'd guess he's just asleep rather than drunk passed out

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/01/2025 01:03

"Passed out" seems a bit melodramatic. He's sleeping. It was only 4 beers over probably a few hours. Not a big deal.

fourelementary · 05/01/2025 01:09

He’s an arse but you can still BF and he can get up in the morning and let you have a long lie.

TBH I don’t like the fact both parents of a young toddler were inebriated at the same time- over the years me and DH have always taken turns as you don’t know when you might need to make an A and E trip etc and having one sober parent be necessary. So given that it was YOUR night out, DH should have been “on duty”.

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 01:14

I'd be annoyed if he is too out of it to react to a fire alarm / remember he has a baby and leave without her etc. If he was too far gone to safely use a car then I'd say it's too far gone to look after a baby.

Although I never drank when I was solely responsible for DD and as a single parent that was 99% of the time, but Mumsnet doesn't like that and you end up getting called a martyr.

Thatcastlethere · 05/01/2025 02:29

I think this is an overreaction. His friend has gone and he's fallen asleep on the couch. I'm assuming he had put the baby to bed so the baby is safe asleep in her cot??
If so what us the actual issue?
By passed out do you mean unconscious and not able to rouse? If so that's an issue..
But just asleep? No.
And you certainly can breastfeeding after drinking. Hardly any alcohol enters your milk supply. They used to think years ago that it did... but now days they have evidence it does not.
Just make sure not yo co sleep when you have been drinking and place baby safely back in the cot.
Will he even have a hang over from four beers? Surely he will be fine to care for the baby tomorrow so you can sleep off the wine?
I have 3 kids and it wouldn't even occur to me to take issue with my DH having a few beers when the kids were in bed on a Saturday night if I were out.
Obviously if it's happening every night or even every weekend then that would be an issue.. but you said yourself he rarely drinks!
I think you are overreacting here.
Just go to bed and get some rest yourself. Everyone is fine.

Topseyt123 · 05/01/2025 02:48

He can't surely be passed out from alcohol after four bottles of beer! I suspect you are being melodramatic here. You found him asleep, not in a drunken stupor.

I don't see the issue. I see though that someone has already brought up the old chestnut of "but what if you suddenly need to make a mad dash to A & E?" I've only ever heard that trotted out on here and don't believe that people really actually agree in advance on who is on standby to race off to hospital.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2025 03:07

Four bottles is literally such a minimal amount. Maybe he had more and friend less, maybe other way. I doubt he is passed out, asleep yes. I wouldn’t be impressed given he promised to have baby in the night.

Rachmorr57 · 05/01/2025 03:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Namechangedforthis25 · 05/01/2025 03:43

Zanatdy · 05/01/2025 03:07

Four bottles is literally such a minimal amount. Maybe he had more and friend less, maybe other way. I doubt he is passed out, asleep yes. I wouldn’t be impressed given he promised to have baby in the night.

genuine question - do people never get drunk on multiple bottles of beer

user1492757084 · 05/01/2025 04:17

I think drinking more than the legal limit for driving is irresponsible when in sole charge of a baby.
Would he be more than .02? If not he will be able to cope with baby waking.

Would you expect your childcare worker to have any alcohol in their system?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/01/2025 04:42

Topseyt123 · 05/01/2025 02:48

He can't surely be passed out from alcohol after four bottles of beer! I suspect you are being melodramatic here. You found him asleep, not in a drunken stupor.

I don't see the issue. I see though that someone has already brought up the old chestnut of "but what if you suddenly need to make a mad dash to A & E?" I've only ever heard that trotted out on here and don't believe that people really actually agree in advance on who is on standby to race off to hospital.

Exactly. Are people regularly dashing off to A&E for a child with no known health issues? Surely in the unlikely event that was needed you’d call a taxi. Seems rather sad that you can apparently never share a bottle of wine with your partner if you have a child.

PlannerG · 05/01/2025 06:32

4 beers, and asleep! Kindly, get a grip.

rwalker · 05/01/2025 06:34

I’m not a big drinker but could function perfectly ok after 4 bottles

Holidaywarning · 05/01/2025 06:38

4 bottles is only very slightly over 2 pints.

Icanttakethisanymore · 05/01/2025 06:44

Id be fine with him having people round. I’d be fine with him having a few beers. I’d be annoyed if he couldn’t do what he promised to do ie. Get up in the night with your DD.

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 08:08

It's not really about the driving to hospital though is it.

Its about using that level of intoxication as a Barometer as the point you can make good decisions and have reasonable responses/reactions, there are other far more likely scenarios than needing a impromptu trip to A&E, fire alarms going off or even more routine things like baby / child being sick in the night and you having to deal with it. I think if you aren't sober enough to operate a car then you aren't sober enough to effectively look after a child particularly a small one that is entirely reliant on you