DH drinking in sole charge of DD 17 months

[AmIwrong1234]

I went out for drinks tonight, not something I do often. Had quite a few but felt safe in knowledge that my child was being cared for with DH. I knew DH was having a few people round for company when DD was asleep. DH rarely drinks.

I’ve come home to him passed out on the sofa and not very coherent when I spoke with him and found 8 empty beer bottles. I know only one other person was drinking so assuming four beers each.

DH is a lightweight and a heavy sleeper without the beer. He’d promised me he’d be up overnight to look after DD so I could have a night off. DD breastfeeds still, usually just a morning and night feed. But can’t want and try and get very pissed off if she doesn’t get it from me during the night, to eliminate this he’d promised to get up with her as she settles fine either him overnight without the feed.

AIBU to be pissed off he’s slightly drunk and unlikely to waken while in sole charge of DD and think it’s a bit dangerous. Also on another note be pissed off he’s unlikely to get up when DD inevitably wakens soon and I’ll have to settle her without feeding her when he was meant to! (I’ve had equivalent of a bottle of wine so can’t feed and she’ll not settle either me without a feed just yet in middle of night).

I wouldn’t drive after one large glass of wine. I could still take care of a baby.

HUGE overreaction OP! Your husband was asleep...not 'passed out', and would have been perfectly capable of looking after a 17 month old after 4 small beers ffs! However I suspect you played the martyr last night 🤷‍♀️

I'll bet plenty of posters on here have a couple of glasses of wine once the kids are asleep.

100% 🙌🏻 It’s my reward on a Friday night after a long week looking after two children!

Cheers, probably was being a bit unreasonable. Not bothered at all about him having people over.
I couldn’t get him off the bloody sofa and ended up doing 2 night wakes when it was promised to me he would be as trying to stop breastfeeding generally and to stop night wakes. I’ve also being doing wake ups anyway as he’s useless at waking up as he’s a heavy sleeper so last night was meant to be a break. So think I’m reasonable to be annoyed there!

Drinking when the child is asleep wouldn't bother me, but I'd be concerned about the passed out and incoherent bit. What would have happened if she had woken before you got back? or if you came back also to drunk to care for her? (which should have been fine if he had done as he agreed, so you had no reason not to).

I guess it depends what you mean by incoherent. Bit groggy from just waking up, but overall capable (ok) or uncapable of making rational decisions or even waking up for baby (dangerous).

You definitely are not being unreasonable to be annoyed that he wasn't able to get up in the night so you didn't get any sort of break.

I have a 16 month old daughter, also breastfeeding. Also have a husband who is a very heavy sleeper and sleeps through her waking. I wouldn’t be annoyed about him drinking a few beers but would be very annoyed that he’s promised to do the night wakes and then slept through!

@thepariscrimefiles and @ThankYouFish are spot on: this is your issue, @AmIwrong1234, and your husband deserves a bollocking for it.

Overreaction 4 bottles of beer is equivalent to 2 pints.

You are definitely reasonable to be annoyed that you had one night off from doing the night wakings and he couldn't even do that.

I'd put my foot down if I was you and tell him that he's clearly got too comfortable with you being the default parent and things are going to be 50/50 from now on.

If he does 50% of all night wakings, he'll start to realise how important it is not to let your partner down when it's their turn.

He had one job and he failed at it. So now he needs to do that job on repeat until he gets it right.

Don't fall for his weaponised incompetence.

Well, you haven’t had a night off so he owes you. I mean, all he had to do for one night is what you do every single night so he either has to admit he’s useless or that he’s choosing not to do it. Either way, he owes you another night off.

Not an overreaction. It's not how much beer he drank, it's the fact that he was meant to be giving you ONE night off, and he let you down. I think he deserves a good helping of morning after cold fury.
Especially since he's leaving the wake ups to you generally.

This IS enouvh to be annoyed about. He should have got up when it was your turn to be off, he owes you!

4 bottles of beer, so about 2 pints over an entire evening! No id not be annoyed and I'd assume any incoherence was just the result of him being a heavy sleeper. You should have just preserved in waking up for the night settling?! Fwiw it's ok to breastfeed after having a drink as long as you are safe to handle baby!

It's not about the beers... It's about OP getting a rare night out and wanting to relax and have a sleep through without worrying about settling a baby that will not be able to understand why she can't breastfeed.

It is about him shirking his promise and relying on the fact that she will "just get on with it".

It isn't fair and I would be pissed off.

He said he would do it, but then drank, knowing that is affects his sleep.

You can absolutely breastfeed if you want to you know. Alcohol and breast milk does not work like most people think it does.

I was going to say this.

Two pints of beer is not a lot to drink, and you've posted this as midnight so not an unreasonable time for him to have just fallen asleep watching TV or whatever.

I think you're massively over reacting.

Annoying that you didn’t get the night off OP and I’d be pissed off about that.

Four bottles of beer doesn’t sound a lot though. Maybe he was just knackered and would have been crap getting up in the night even without the beers, especially if he isn’t used to it.

Didn’t take the A&E crowd long to appear on this 🤣

If he is passed out on the sofa and seems drunk the amount he has drunk is irrelevant.

He did it to punish you. To stop you from leaving him in charge again.

I bet this isn't the first instance.

I wouldn’t be bothered about the 4 beers particularly.

I’d be pissed off if DH was meant to get up with the baby during the night and I ended up doing it.

And I wouldn’t drive a car after a glass of wine (drink driving limit in Scotland is really low) but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of looking after my kids and making rational decisions.

4 bottles. Is fine ... Hardly an alcoholic. He was asleep on the sofa when you got in .. so was I and I was sober last night

Passed out or fallen asleep. Assuming standard 500ml beer bottles, that's not a huge amount for a man over an evening, not to be recommended daily and certainly too much to drive but hardly "can't look after child" levels. I had 3 pints and a g&t myself yesterday and was completely coherent and able to finish my cross word when I got home.

Thanks all. I’ve realised I was just annoyed about not getting the full break I was promised. I really don’t mind him having people over. It was more the being unable to get up and the beers wouldn’t have helped that. Generally I don’t care if he has a few drinks.
I was just annoyed because I knew it would hinder him getting up and I can shove and push him awake but it takes ages so by that point I’m fully awake and may as well settle her.

We’ve spoken this morning and he’s agreed he wasn’t fair in not giving me the agreed break. He’s going to stay up later tonight so I can get some hours in at least uninterrupted and do all the settles (monitor full blast in his ear or something!).

I think the issue is he's a heavy sleeper and not pulling his weight more generally overnights, the alcohol is a red herring. When you breast feed (I did) they (men) get a free pass at night usually so it's a shock to the system when you make them share responsibility (personal experience!)