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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking in sole charge of DD 17 months

106 replies

AmIwrong1234 · 05/01/2025 00:13

I went out for drinks tonight, not something I do often. Had quite a few but felt safe in knowledge that my child was being cared for with DH. I knew DH was having a few people round for company when DD was asleep. DH rarely drinks.

I’ve come home to him passed out on the sofa and not very coherent when I spoke with him and found 8 empty beer bottles. I know only one other person was drinking so assuming four beers each.

DH is a lightweight and a heavy sleeper without the beer. He’d promised me he’d be up overnight to look after DD so I could have a night off. DD breastfeeds still, usually just a morning and night feed. But can’t want and try and get very pissed off if she doesn’t get it from me during the night, to eliminate this he’d promised to get up with her as she settles fine either him overnight without the feed.

AIBU to be pissed off he’s slightly drunk and unlikely to waken while in sole charge of DD and think it’s a bit dangerous. Also on another note be pissed off he’s unlikely to get up when DD inevitably wakens soon and I’ll have to settle her without feeding her when he was meant to! (I’ve had equivalent of a bottle of wine so can’t feed and she’ll not settle either me without a feed just yet in middle of night).

OP posts:
IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 05/01/2025 08:18

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

Eh? He's the one who's done both those things! What has the OP done wrong?

Beezknees · 05/01/2025 08:24

It depends if he was drunk or not imo.

I'm a lone parent and there's no way I was NEVER going to have a drink at home until DS turned 18. I'm a non driver as well so wouldn't be driving off to A&E even if I wasn't drinking.

There's a difference between having a drink and being drunk though. Having a drink fine, being drunk in charge of baby not fine.

Gemmawemma9 · 05/01/2025 08:27

Topseyt123 · 05/01/2025 02:48

He can't surely be passed out from alcohol after four bottles of beer! I suspect you are being melodramatic here. You found him asleep, not in a drunken stupor.

I don't see the issue. I see though that someone has already brought up the old chestnut of "but what if you suddenly need to make a mad dash to A & E?" I've only ever heard that trotted out on here and don't believe that people really actually agree in advance on who is on standby to race off to hospital.

Literally this. There’s absolutely no way he’s passed out drunk from four bottles.
I think you’d have preferred him not to drink at all, and have overreacted a bit. Which is understandable, you just wanted one rare night off. But he wasn’t passed out drunk, come on now.

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 08:32

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

So women who leave their house without their child, while the other parent is meant to be parenting means they haven’t covered themselves in glory. Well aren’t you lovely

wombat1a · 05/01/2025 08:34

I think I'd have a word in the morning that perhaps 4 bottles is too much and stick to 2 in future and leave it at that. Certainly not worth making a huge deal from.

m00rfarm · 05/01/2025 08:35

Do you know what “passed out” actually means? It doesn’t mean asleep!! You’ve assumed he’s had four bottles. You actually have no idea.

PicturePlace · 05/01/2025 08:39

But he's passed out on the sofa so it sounds like 4 bottles of beer is absolutely not fine for him!

I assume the OP is being dramatic and means that he was asleep on the couch, not unconscious.

Four 330ml bottles of beer is 2.4 pints. Calm way down.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/01/2025 08:40

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 08:08

It's not really about the driving to hospital though is it.

Its about using that level of intoxication as a Barometer as the point you can make good decisions and have reasonable responses/reactions, there are other far more likely scenarios than needing a impromptu trip to A&E, fire alarms going off or even more routine things like baby / child being sick in the night and you having to deal with it. I think if you aren't sober enough to operate a car then you aren't sober enough to effectively look after a child particularly a small one that is entirely reliant on you

Edited

Really? I absolutely wouldn’t drive a car after half a bottle of wine but I 100% would be able to make decisions/evacuate in case of a fire/deal with a sick child. Either people must be driving after way more than I would or seriously unable to handle their alcohol.

GuineaPigWig · 05/01/2025 08:42

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 08:08

It's not really about the driving to hospital though is it.

Its about using that level of intoxication as a Barometer as the point you can make good decisions and have reasonable responses/reactions, there are other far more likely scenarios than needing a impromptu trip to A&E, fire alarms going off or even more routine things like baby / child being sick in the night and you having to deal with it. I think if you aren't sober enough to operate a car then you aren't sober enough to effectively look after a child particularly a small one that is entirely reliant on you

Edited

That might be the case for you, but it’s not for me. I would be perfectly capable of managing a sick child after just a few pints but obviously wouldn’t drive then.

Haveyouanyjam · 05/01/2025 08:44

Fine to feel a bit annoyed but don’t think anything more than that. Would be pissed off if he doesn’t get up with your DD like he was supposed to, otherwise I wouldn’t worry about it. Would he be angry if he went on an evening out and came home and you’d had two glasses of wine?

StripeSandwich · 05/01/2025 08:46

I think it's unfair of him to ask people round to keep him company on the very night that you are on a rare night out and wanted to be able to relax without having to have the responsibility of a baby.

If he wants four beers and his friends round he could have chosen any other night.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 08:47

Four little bottles isnt much more than a couple of pints is it? A large male can drink two pints and still be legal to drive even if it's better to err on the side of caution.

Debtfreegoals · 05/01/2025 08:53

It’s not great because he was passed out and not near the baby. Personally (I may get grilled here) but there was no drinking in our house while the babies were so young.

Sugargliderwombat · 05/01/2025 08:54

Surely noone is incoherent and passed out after 4 beers?

whathaveiforgotten · 05/01/2025 08:57

@Iaminthefly

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

Could you explain how the OP hasn't covered herself in glory?

GreyAreas · 05/01/2025 09:01

Find out how much alcohol and how incapacitated. Don't fall for strategic incompetence - give it another go soon.

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 09:04

Debtfreegoals · 05/01/2025 08:53

It’s not great because he was passed out and not near the baby. Personally (I may get grilled here) but there was no drinking in our house while the babies were so young.

Same here, but for one parent, we were okay with one having a sensible amount. Its also an offense to be drunk and in charge of a child under I think seven, so for those saying a taxi to hospital etc to avoid drunk driving, you would then be commiting an offense due to being drunk and in charge of a child in a public place.

Haaaaappyyynewyear · 05/01/2025 09:06

.

Haaaaappyyynewyear · 05/01/2025 09:07

Iaminthefly · 05/01/2025 00:20

His behaviour is appalling.

However having people round for drinks when you're in charge of a baby is also unacceptable. Especially when the other parent was also going out to drink!

I don't think either of you have covered yourself in glory here tbh

This is very dramatic. So a single mum who can’t go out at night can never have her friends round for a glass of wine once baby is in bed!? At the weekend I have wine at home whilst my children are asleep upstairs. It’s fine . Also, why can’t she go out for drinks when her husband is at home with the baby … how has she not covered herself in glory as you say?

Haaaaappyyynewyear · 05/01/2025 09:08

Debtfreegoals · 05/01/2025 08:53

It’s not great because he was passed out and not near the baby. Personally (I may get grilled here) but there was no drinking in our house while the babies were so young.

What age did you decide it was ok and why?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2025 09:13

Yanbu I'd be raging. He hardly drinks, but waits til you're out drinking to have some, completely negating your night off (if it was me I'd now be struggling to sleep as in the back of my mind I'd be worried he wasn't going to wake up).

Beezknees · 05/01/2025 09:17

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 09:04

Same here, but for one parent, we were okay with one having a sensible amount. Its also an offense to be drunk and in charge of a child under I think seven, so for those saying a taxi to hospital etc to avoid drunk driving, you would then be commiting an offense due to being drunk and in charge of a child in a public place.

Show quote history

Having a drink doesn't mean drunk, a couple of glasses of wine would put you over the limit for driving but most people wouldn't get drunk from that. Not everyone has a 2 parent household either.

Ughn0tryte · 05/01/2025 09:20

If he can't drive, he can't take care of a baby.
If the child becomes unwell or injured and he rocks up at A&E with the baby... they'll more than ask questions.
You should be able to trust someone to want to look after their own baby whilst you celebrate a rare night out.
It seems like he can't or won't be trusted.
Now you will be a bit wary of leaving your baby with him and going out again. So he will never have to do it again... which might have been his reasoning for being drunk and caring for a baby in the first place.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/01/2025 09:24

Simonjt · 05/01/2025 09:04

Same here, but for one parent, we were okay with one having a sensible amount. Its also an offense to be drunk and in charge of a child under I think seven, so for those saying a taxi to hospital etc to avoid drunk driving, you would then be commiting an offense due to being drunk and in charge of a child in a public place.

Show quote history

What rubbish, the legal definition of drunk is unable to take care of oneself. There is a massive gap between being over the limit for driving a car, which for me would be anything more than one small glass of wine, and being drunk enough to be unable to take care of myself, which would be getting on for two bottles. Social services are not going to get involved because a parent has drank 4 small beers ffs.

Coconutter24 · 05/01/2025 09:24

Ughn0tryte · 05/01/2025 09:20

If he can't drive, he can't take care of a baby.
If the child becomes unwell or injured and he rocks up at A&E with the baby... they'll more than ask questions.
You should be able to trust someone to want to look after their own baby whilst you celebrate a rare night out.
It seems like he can't or won't be trusted.
Now you will be a bit wary of leaving your baby with him and going out again. So he will never have to do it again... which might have been his reasoning for being drunk and caring for a baby in the first place.

“If he can't drive, he can't take care of a baby”

What a load of rubbish! You do know there’s loads of parents out there that don’t drive?