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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh wants to sit in silence sometimes

83 replies

enoughxmasfood · 04/01/2025 22:12

Dh works very hard in a very stressful job and sometimes when he gets home he says he just wants to sit and be.
We can go whole evenings barely uttering a word and he says he feels so comfortable with my company that we don't need constant chit chat but he likes to sit with me and enjoys me being there.
We also have young children and he does make an effort to interact with us as a family while they are up but then once they're in bed he says he's exhausted and just sits in silence, watching tv or playing video games, (unwinding) although apparently happy.

I don't know what to think of this, is this what married life ends up as?

I'm at home all day with baby and 2 primary school children and he calls me throughout the day for a chat when he's at work and we talk more on the phone than in person.
I look forward to him coming home because I'm on my own all day and end up on here most evenings for the company.

He had 2 weeks off over Christmas and we spent the evenings together drinking, listening to music and enjoying being together and now he's back at work and I miss that togetherness that I'm not feeling anymore even though he's sitting beside me in silence.

OP posts:
Eldermillenialyogi · 04/01/2025 22:17

I understand this in a way as I need time to unwind and sometimes just one an hour or more of quiet. It sounds odd if he's like this all evening every evening but then again how long is that really for if he spends time with you and the children? And he calls you during the day?

Why are you alone all day?

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2025 22:17

Jesus, I wish mine would shut up!
Seriously though OP do you have other people you can have grown up conversations with or is it just you and your DC all day?
I have quite a peopley job so need to not speak to anyone sometimes in the evenings
DH is tecchy so doesn't speak to people all day so wants to talk to me (or at me) all evening but we manage to find a level of speaking to eachother that we are both happy with.

Eldermillenialyogi · 04/01/2025 22:19

Sorry just seen you are home with the children but presumably they will be back at school next week. Do you have friends you can catch up with during the day if you don't work?

Laiste · 04/01/2025 22:22

What time do the kids go to bed?

If it's early can you ask that for the first bit of the evening you have more interaction?

Are weekends better?

I mean, during the week DH is a bit like this. He talks pretty much non-stop about his day for about 30 mins (off loading) then after dinner he retreats to his phone or his game. He gets chatty again about 9 o'clock but by then i'm off the boil with regards to chat and either on here or lost down a rabbit hole online and responding with grunts.

He's trained me too well and now i like comfortable silence more than he does i think 😂

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 04/01/2025 22:24

I understand your husband. It's like my nervous system needs a rest as well as my ears. Me and my husband are both shell shocked after a month home with our kids 😆 and need just silence in the evenings.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 04/01/2025 22:25

I know how he feels.

PassingStranger · 04/01/2025 22:27

How morbid sitting in silence.
At least have some music or a concert on etc.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 04/01/2025 22:28

All on his terms isn't it?

How about, when he calls you for a chat during the day you say "bit busy and distracted at the moment, let's talk this evening".

Kinneddar · 04/01/2025 22:30

PassingStranger · 04/01/2025 22:27

How morbid sitting in silence.
At least have some music or a concert on etc.

She said they watch TV. Its not literal silence. He just doesn't chat

justfornow1 · 04/01/2025 22:30

PassingStranger · 04/01/2025 22:27

How morbid sitting in silence.
At least have some music or a concert on etc.

Silence isn't morbid. It can be utter bliss if all you've had is noise all day.

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 22:32

I love and need times when I’m quiet.

Chowtime · 04/01/2025 22:32

Could you compromise? Spend some time talking and some time sitting in silence?

Rachie1973 · 04/01/2025 22:32

My DH and I love companionable quiet. I read, he watches some TV.

we do exchange a few words when we want, it’s not enforced silence.

Other nights it’s like a bloody rave here

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2025 22:35

I live alone -I couldn't bear to have someone chattering at me all the time.
I also really value the friends that I have where we can spend time in companiable silence, rather than constant chat.

Martymcfly24 · 04/01/2025 22:35

The fact that over Christmas he is a different person shows how all consuming his job is and that is not his personality.

I feel my job also gives my sensory overload and once my children are in bed I would happily sit in silence. I tend to go to bed early with a book which probably does frustrate my husband but it is the only way I can cope with the days.

He has remarked how much more relaxed I have been the past couple of weeks, not waking early in the morning , calmer and more patience with the kids.

Alittlebitfluffy · 04/01/2025 22:35

Rachie1973 · 04/01/2025 22:32

My DH and I love companionable quiet. I read, he watches some TV.

we do exchange a few words when we want, it’s not enforced silence.

Other nights it’s like a bloody rave here

This lol

Itsmyluckyegg · 04/01/2025 22:37

I’m a teacher and talk (and listen) all day at work. When I get home, I just need to have some time to do nothing. I just like to sit, without having a conversation or whatever.

DH is self employed and works on his own. He comes home and needs the conversation.

It can be hard work at times but we seem to have found the balance.

Onlyonekenobe · 04/01/2025 22:37

My DH and I don’t even sit in the same room once the DC are in bed! We are both people-d out by that time of day and need our solitude. But if chat before we fall asleep, but nothing deep or serious. We communicate all day on weekdays by one means or another. Weekends we’re together in person. But both of us are speak-only-if-you-have-something-to-say types. I don’t think I could handle someone taking up my brain space with unnecessary stuff, get enough of that with the DC!

LandedGentTree · 04/01/2025 22:37

He's probably worn out after work, whereas during the holidays he had more energy in the evenings. I also find talking (and listening) really hard at the end of the day so am happier in silence.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/01/2025 22:38

I think there has to be room for compromise. Can you agree that you sit and talk over a meal, for example, and then have some quiet time afterwards?

FloralGums · 04/01/2025 22:42

I understand your DH completely!

PullTheBricksDown · 04/01/2025 22:42

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 04/01/2025 22:28

All on his terms isn't it?

How about, when he calls you for a chat during the day you say "bit busy and distracted at the moment, let's talk this evening".

Agree with this. There should be some compromise and it seems off that he wants to talk during his busy working day but not at home when he could have quality time.

Also
he likes to sit with me and enjoys me being there..
Does that mean he expects you to sit with him in silence? What if you wanted to go out or sit in a different room?

PokerFriedDips · 04/01/2025 22:43

A lot of people need silence to recharge. That's perfectly ok.

Why are you alone all day? Get out there and join some mum&baby groups. Sort out a bit of childcare to give you a few hours a week of time being in adult spaces without being baby focussed. If your DH is quite introverted and has a job where he interacts with people all day then he cannot also be your sole source of adult interaction.

purplecorkheart · 04/01/2025 22:43

Yes, I can kind of see where he is coming from. Not so much in my current job or the last one, but in the one before that, I know most days I came home and needed just to not be spoken to for a while. I just did not have the mental energy to listen and process a conversation, not to mind saying, actually formulate an answer.

It was a high-pressure job, and I was deeply unhappy. It was not a reflection on how I felt about people or anything. I was just burnt out and just needed quiet for a while.

Nollybolly6 · 04/01/2025 22:48

I think you should curb the day time phonecalls. My husband tries to do that. Fill
boring work days or lunch breaks or walking to meetings calling me when I’m hella busy with small children and haven’t got 30 second to wee let alone talk. And then he wants quiet evenings. So I don’t do the day phonecalls and we catch up in the evening