Dh wants to sit in silence sometimes

[enoughxmasfood]

Dh works very hard in a very stressful job and sometimes when he gets home he says he just wants to sit and be.
We can go whole evenings barely uttering a word and he says he feels so comfortable with my company that we don't need constant chit chat but he likes to sit with me and enjoys me being there.
We also have young children and he does make an effort to interact with us as a family while they are up but then once they're in bed he says he's exhausted and just sits in silence, watching tv or playing video games, (unwinding) although apparently happy.

I don't know what to think of this, is this what married life ends up as?

I'm at home all day with baby and 2 primary school children and he calls me throughout the day for a chat when he's at work and we talk more on the phone than in person.
I look forward to him coming home because I'm on my own all day and end up on here most evenings for the company.

He had 2 weeks off over Christmas and we spent the evenings together drinking, listening to music and enjoying being together and now he's back at work and I miss that togetherness that I'm not feeling anymore even though he's sitting beside me in silence.

She means he doesn’t want to talk, not to have the room silent.

Why? Sometimes people DO need to unwind after work.

I just told DH how important it is for me to be alone and with quiet sometimes. I have a busy job and we have a toddler and sometimes I just need quiet. I feel overstimulated. Sounds like your husband does too. We’re all different, don’t take offence - it can honestly feel like my head is about to explode sometimes.

My sister is like this! She is a doctor and always says she uses up her socialising on shift and just needs peace once she’s home. When we lived together, she would be quiet most evenings and if she did talk it would probably end if bickering because in her words “I have used up all my niceness too”. 🤣

What are days like when he’s not working?

There is no normal on this - no right or wrong - it's fine if it suits both parties, but problematic if not.

My ex (who I recently split from but am hoping to rekindle with as he is the love of my life) and I were always comfortable with silence right from the start - but I do wonder now if we needed to talk more and that our relationship started to lack togetherness by the end. We were spending time in each others' company but it didn't feel like quality time, if you see what I mean. (A phrase I hate, but it is the only one I can think of here). If we do get back together as I hope (we are planning a weekend together soon) it's something I would definitely want to keep an eye on.....

I think it partly depends on what you are doing during the silence. We were too often doing different things - reading or on our devices, or he was watching something on TV I didn't care about.

I have suggested when we are next together we watch a film or some sport or whatever it is TOGETHER, even if we aren't talking. And I will be putting down my book and my phone.....

What is the silence like for you, OP? I am guessing that, as you are posting here, it does not feel like a "together" kind of silence......

I get what your dh means

Sometimes days are so busy and once dd is in bed it's nice to chill and not have to speak and watch a tv programme in peace

Equally I get you want some chat as had baby all day

You do need to get out. Meet friends /go to M&T and have some adult time during the day and not just baby

Then have a chat to dh say over dinner - then he can have his chill time

This is normal in my circle. I have friends who sit in their car for 20 minutes decompressing before going home. When I lived with someone, I said hello and then had a long shower before speaking to them when I came in after work.

I work from home and do the lions share of house work and child care. Once they are in bed I can wait for the silence. Dh on the other hand makes any noise possible!

Do you enjoy his phone calls during the day or would you prefer to have some more of that conversation in the evenings, face to face?

Why would he call for a chat during the day? Most people don't do that if they are busy in professional roles. It does seem strange but perhaps he fits that in between meetings or when he is walking between venues etc.

Your husband is an introvert. Work depletes his energy. sitting in companionable silence recharges it. see the hamster ball. https://www.dailyinfographic.com/guide-to-understanding-the-introverted-infographic

I’m like this. I’m a teacher and I use all my socialness up at work, with the kids and then after school with other staff. I do have autism and adhd but not sure if that’s relevant. I get home and I just need peace and to not think about anything.

I understand how he feels. My old job was full on, very 'peopley' and lots of meetings. When I got home sometimes I would need actual silence, not even the radio or tv on to decompress. Even now if me and DH are watching TV we don't really chat. We mainly chat at meal times or if we go out for a walk together.

I don't think I can blame him for wanting to sit in silence after a stressful day at work. People decompress in different ways.

Sounds like he is neurodiverse and seeking a period with lack of noise/ interaction. You both need to consider each others needs and come to an agreement about what will make both of you feel happy

He is "my man".
👍🤫🤫

Some evenings I just need to sit in silence. I am around people all day from commute to getting home. I need time off people

I'm with your DH on this one. I don't want to chat in the evenings either! I just want to watch something mindless on tv and go to sleep 😴 DH and I might chat a bit about whatevers on tv or on the news but I certainly don't have the energy for deep and meaningful conversation 😂

I think it's okay to sit in silence. My DH and I both work in jobs that have a lot of interpersonal communication all day. And just need no more by the evening.

But you do need more. It's good you have the tel chats in the day with him. Keep those (ignore the PP who said they are on his terms, they work as a communication, don't put unnecessary obstacles in the way of that). But find other social outlets.

Something in the day with the youngest?

But Most importantly something for you one evening. He can be at home with the kids for one night a week while you go out and enjoy yourself with people who want to talk. Could be a book group, a craft class, join a singing group, take up a sport and then go out for a drink after. Just something to give you extra social contact.

You can borrow my chatterbox ADHD DH waffling on at you about utter nonsense drivel if you like.

Do you enjoy NHL, podcasts about video games, or weird dangerous Chinese engineering accidents?

You're welcome to a wife swap, I'd love some peace and quiet.

I get how he feels. Often I don't want to talk and just want to 'be' and get lost in my thoughts without interruptions and distractions

Aw OP I really feel for you, it is so hard being home all day with the kids, especially a baby/toddler, and you really need that adult engagement to get through it.

As much as I sympathise with your DH - I am similar but with watching intense TV shows/films after a full day, just don't want to do it because my brain feels fried - I really feel for you and how hard it must be.

Is there maybe someone you could call for a chat some evenings?

I talk all day at work and I really look forward to coming home and relaxing on my own without speaking. Usually I like to watch TV on my own or browse things on my laptop for a while. It's just a way to recharge.
I've also been the person who was at home a lot and looking forward to someone coming home to chat to so I can understand both sides.

I feel like a lot of the comments are a bit unfair to OP - just because her DH has his preference, surely there should be some level of compromise when she's home all day with a baby?

There must be a way to meet in the middle somehow so they can both get some of what they need.

Different strokes for different folks.