Dh wants to sit in silence sometimes

[enoughxmasfood]

Dh works very hard in a very stressful job and sometimes when he gets home he says he just wants to sit and be.
We can go whole evenings barely uttering a word and he says he feels so comfortable with my company that we don't need constant chit chat but he likes to sit with me and enjoys me being there.
We also have young children and he does make an effort to interact with us as a family while they are up but then once they're in bed he says he's exhausted and just sits in silence, watching tv or playing video games, (unwinding) although apparently happy.

I don't know what to think of this, is this what married life ends up as?

I'm at home all day with baby and 2 primary school children and he calls me throughout the day for a chat when he's at work and we talk more on the phone than in person.
I look forward to him coming home because I'm on my own all day and end up on here most evenings for the company.

He had 2 weeks off over Christmas and we spent the evenings together drinking, listening to music and enjoying being together and now he's back at work and I miss that togetherness that I'm not feeling anymore even though he's sitting beside me in silence.

It’s completely reasonable he needs to decompress and completely reasonable you need social interaction, but while the kids are young and time is tight and precious, it might be better for you to rely on hobbies and friends.

I take it you’ve never worked a busy job OP? I talk all day every day with patients and am on my feet for 8 hours straight - sometimes all I want to do at home is sit alone in silence since my social battery is so dead. Most of my colleagues are the same. Give the poor man a break.

I absolutely need space and quiet after work. If I don’t think I’ll get it then I sit in my car for half an hour by myself before I leave work so I can have some time to decompress. I also veto phone calls when I am driving for the same reason, I want the time and space to listen to music or whatever by myself.

I'm the same. After a long day at work and then getting the kids sorted in the evening, I just need to sit in silence on my phone with the TV on. With DH beside me doing the same, but not talking.

I completely agree with your DH, but luckily my DH is highly academic too. We have several ‘silent’ nights a week.

Watching telly or playing video games isn’t sitting in silence, OP!

I love the occasional night without the telly on, to read instead whereas DP wants a screen on at all times. It’s about finding a balance.

I can understand wanting to chat as well. Can you compromise on an hour or two for him to decompress in front of the tv as well as some time talking with you?

But if he is watching TV or gaming then he isn't sitting in silence is he? He just wants you to be silent.

We both work full time with two young DCs and most nights we want to watch tv separately and not talk to anyone, I actually thought that was normal. I didn't realise people want to actually interact after the day is done, it's too much for me after dealing with people all day, then dealing with family and then once the kids are in bed that is my time for me. We do probably watch something together 2 nights a week. Currently I am watching a history program downstairs and DH is watching something else upstairs! Havent spoken for 2 hours and it's lovely :)

I'd ask for a compromise. Check in / catch up for say 30 min then quiet.

You could cuddle while watching tv. So still connection but quietly

Talk to him, tell him how much you enjoyed Christmas and being with him. See if you can reach a compromise, maybe not every day or after a particularly bad day, but some evenings.

Can you find things to watch that you both enjoy? What does he say when you talk to him?

You say you chat during the day, what about when he comes home? Is it all about the kids/with the kids?

Op said she also has a baby, so that is a full time job in itself. She said she is a sahm, and I think from her post it is evident she doesn't have those things. I find comments like this, a bit unhelpful/ passive aggressive, "if you don't work?" 🙄

I'd go out, if I was you OP. Every single evening, as soon as everyone has eaten, "I'm off out". Take your time for yourself if he isn't prepared to share any of his with you.

Dh and I are similar. He was WOH and I was SAHM. We talked to each other and realised that he needed to decompress from his day by silence, and I needed to reconnect with adult conversation. It took us a while to understand this, and the most productive discussions were during holidays, when neither of us were overwhelmed by our working days or stressed by each other's different needs.

Yes, having mum friends helped me, but it was dh that I wanted to reconnect with.

We came to an understanding: I didn't bug dh when he took some time to sit in silence, after which he listened and interacted with me. Some evenings were more silent, some were more chatty. We paid attention to each other's needs and compromised.

When I started to WOH I found that I also needed some quiet time to decompress. I explicitly explained this to my dc, so they understood to leave me alone for 20mins or so.

Dh now WAH. He is far more relaxed in the evenings. Still happy to sit in silence, but does not have the same need to do so. I OTOH still need to reconnect with him when I come home. Reconnecting with dh is my decompression from work, which I could not get when dh was WOH and I was coming home to a household of dc.

Like so many things in a relationship: communication and compromise.

Op, I think your dh may be experiencing a full social metre. You said he was different when he was off over Christmas. He just sounds tired, and like he needs some quiet time to himself at the end of the day to decompress. My dh can be similar, but is better now our youngest is school age. When ours were pre school, dh used to call in the day to check in, which I always thought was nice tbh. When he got home I just wanted him to take the babies, so I could have nobody touching me!

Some people's social metres get full quicker than others. Are there any other Mothers you see on the school run for your older dcs? I know it isn't always easy to make decent friends. If not, are there any baby groups you could get to during the day so you get some adult conversation?

Honestly, I don't really care if he is an introvert or needs to decompress. Silence is nice. I need quiet time as well. But you can't sit in silence watching tv 5 nights a week when you have a sahm wife and she wants to have a chat and enjoy company. He needs to stop calling during the day just for a chat, he can take sometimes for himself or go to bed early but not all the time and talk about the things in the evening. Can you get yourself a hobby or meet up with friends so he can stay in silence with kids and you can have a company?

Stop
Answering the phone to him
In the day.

If he complains say 'yes it's upsetting when you want to communicate and connect with your partner and reject you'

Or maybe he'll be more keen to chat in the evenings if he hasn't caught up
In the daytime

The best time of day for me is between 8am and 10am has its the most quiet time in our house.
I love some quiet time.

I'm like you DH. I work long hours and it's litterally talking to people nonstop all day so by the time I get home I'm drained and don't want to talk! He works alone and he'd love a chit chat in the evening - it's nothing against him I'm just drained and crave silence after a busy day at work

Yabu. Also weird he calls you so much from work if his job is that busy and stressful. I wouldn't have time to do that in my job!

I love being up first, when the sun is coming up, and nobody else is up yet. Just not having to tend to anybody else first, and drinking a coffee in the peace and quiet is bliss to me. The only issue is that this is really rare, because one creak on the stairs, or coffee machine sound, and it is, "Muuum!!"😫

I have ADHD and am interested in hearing more about these weird dangerous Chinese engineering accidents.

If your husband looks like Denzel Washington I'm sold.

I am your husband

My husband is your husband

I work long days as does my DH and once the kids are in bed, unless we have a topic of burning importance it's downtime for both the brain and the mouth!

Is he a teacher? I am the same, I come in after work and need to wind down before I can function. Some days I might have 150 students each asking me several questions and by the time I’m home just asking me if I’ve had a good day can be a question too many. I need at least half an hour in a room by myself or maybe an hour and half if things are going on but me being left to it.

I don't find silence morbid. There's lots of noise, birds, traffic, planes, the wind , clocks ticking etc. I love the stillness of silence.

I'm like him too. I crave quiet time to process everything. My tank is sometimes empty.