Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be genuinely upset about a guy ghosting me on an online dating app?

92 replies

AvidBee · 04/01/2025 13:14

I posted in the relationships board a few days ago about feeling like I'll never have a relationship, as I've never had one and I'm now in my mid-20s.

I had decided at Christmas to download Tinder again and give it a go. I had been speaking to a guy for about 10 days or so, and felt like it was going really well. Flirty, jokey conversations, we were getting to know each other. And then out of the blue yesterday, literally mid conversation, he unmatched me.

I was literally just about to ask him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, and he does that, out of the blue, no message to say he doesn't think it's going to work.

I'm gutted, it takes me a lot of confidence to even get to the point of wanting to meet up as I'm overweight and very insecure that when I do meet up with people, they'll be instantly turned off. Plus the fact that 90% of people that I match with, the conversations are dry, I try my hardest to get it going but they never seem to be that interested.

I text my friend and said I was genuinely upset, as I feel like that story of meeting someone and getting on with them never happens to me. I said feel like if I can't even get to the meeting for a coffee stage, I'll never get further than that. She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

AIBU to be upset by this entire thing?

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 04/01/2025 13:17

Sorry this happened op..... maybe you dodged the bullet with this guy??? Btw think your "friend" was overly harsh with her comments

toomuchfaff · 04/01/2025 13:17

The guy is a serial cheater and his GF/wife found his profile.

Look at the positive spin, make up any story you like! NOT ONE WHERE ITS YOUR FAULT.

Dodged a bullet.

MagentaRocks · 04/01/2025 13:18

You should be more upset about what your friend said.

Chances are the person you were talking to is dating people and unmatched you because they are looking to give it a go with someone they have met.

Please don't let this knock you.

Annabella92 · 04/01/2025 13:19

She's not your friend if she said that.

There will be guys out there for you. You might need rhinohide to do dating apps.

toomuchfaff · 04/01/2025 13:19

She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

Er I didn't read this before commenting! but fk her! Omfg what a statement to make. She isnt your friend. She would be dumped quicker than I could spit some expletives.

Blocked

Leedsforreal · 04/01/2025 13:19

I think you need to cut your friend off, I’m not surprised you have no confidence with friends like that!

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 04/01/2025 13:21

Your 'friend' isn't a friend at all. What a shitty thing to say to someone.

This kind of stuff happens all the time in online dating, he maybe just didn't feel it, or met someone else, or any number if other things, but it was entirely about him and not you.

lifebyfaith · 04/01/2025 13:22

You're definitely not BU and I'm shocked at your 'friend's response. How unsupportive and cruel of her. It's so hard to put yourself on a dating app and chat to people, never mind when you have insecurities about appearance. Losing weight is something to address for YOU, if you want to, not to get a guy. There's no evidence that your weight has anything to do with the guy cutting you off. Sadly it's how these sites work these days - people usually chat to multiple potential dates, so getting rejected at any stage is just part of it. The best thing is to remain detached, chat to as may people as possible, and just view it as a fun process of seeing who's out there. It's far easier said than done. I struggle with it so I've stopped dating for the time being.

Movinghouseatlast · 04/01/2025 13:22

She is no friend.

mardirousse · 04/01/2025 13:23

You should be upset, but about your horrible "friend", not the dating app guy.
You will enjoy dating apps more if you emotionally detach yourself. You can't expect someone to care about you before meeting you.

NovemberMorn · 04/01/2025 13:26

I agree, your friend is mean.

Meeting a guy shouldn't be the main focus in your life, you are young and fancy free....enjoy your life as it is, sometimes love comes when you least expect it.

If your weight bothers you, do something about it, change of eating habits (don't diet, they don't often work long term) dancing, taking up a sport etc...it'll make life more interesting too.
If your weight doesn't bother you, just enjoy your life...and give that so called friend a wide berth .

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 04/01/2025 13:26

Your “friend” is an arsehole. Generally speaking though 10 days is too long to chat, it builds up expectation. My rule was a few messages chatting over an evening, arrange to meet up within a week. That way you can quickly see if it’s worth perusing. As long as your pictures are current your weight won’t be a problem and if it is then it’s better to know sooner than later and move on to finding someone who’s right for you.

Online dating can be brutal and you need a thick skin and some self-confidence. Remember, it’s not only about seeing if people find you attractive, it’s about you finding someone you really like too. Too often women act like they should be grateful for a man liking them- don’t fall into that trap.

FirmLilacBeaker · 04/01/2025 13:26

Your friend is a dick. Plenty of overweight people meet romantic partners and have fulfilling relationships. It’s totally unfair for her to suggest you’re incapable of finding romance unless you have lost weight when it’s absolutely not true.

I’m so sorry this guy ghosted you - of course you’re hurt, it’s a hurtful thing to do. It’s his behaviour which is the problem though, it’s not because there is something wrong with you.

Dating is a numbers game in all honesty - most people aren’t compatible and you have to persevere until you find the ones who are. It’s really hard when you don’t feel super confident but please try to believe that there are men out there who will like and fancy you, if you can keep putting yourself out there until you meet them.

Bodybutterblusher · 04/01/2025 13:28

Your friend was very harsh but dating sites are harsh.

Your feelings are valid. If you found it very upsetting then it was.

In the world of internet dating your friend is probably right that you'll be more successful if you are active, self confident and curvy rather than the way you described yourself.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 04/01/2025 13:29

I actually agree with your friend.

As soon as he ghosted you the first thing you brought up is about being over weight. I hadnt even read the paragraph below.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and be happy within your own skin before you start dating.

Love yourself and the rest will follow.

TwistedWonder · 04/01/2025 13:29

Your friend is a rude spiteful arsehole and you need to bin her off.

As far as OLD goes, ghosting unmatching etc happens all the time so you need to not take it too seriously, not get invested before you meet and realise nothing is real until it happens

Meadowfinch · 04/01/2025 13:29

I try to think about it like a conversation on a train. You chat to the bloke opposite you for twenty minutes. He's nice, the conversation is interesting but then you reach his stop and he gets off. There is no offence intended. Just a few amiable minutes out of your week.

Try not to see it as anything more than that. OLD can be brutal.

As for your friend.....she isn't.

Devilsmommy · 04/01/2025 13:31

toomuchfaff · 04/01/2025 13:19

She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

Er I didn't read this before commenting! but fk her! Omfg what a statement to make. She isnt your friend. She would be dumped quicker than I could spit some expletives.

Blocked

This times a million. Your "friend" is a nasty bitch. If someone wouldn't like you however you look then they don't really like you. Ignore your friend and if old is what you want to do then definitely get a thicker skin

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/01/2025 13:35

OLD is a swamp. People will unmatch mid conversation, others will ghost after you've actually met. The key is to not take it too seriously, have a few irons in the fire, and accept that there are a lot of flaky people out there. Whether you can emotionally do that or not is your choice to make.

OpalMaker · 04/01/2025 13:35

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket when chatting to men on there.
Don’t be grateful for the attention.
Don’t get carried away in your head with pictures of a happy future with anyone you haven’t been on multiple dates with.
Don’t use Tinder - download Bumble or Hinge instead.

Do be very candid with your photographs fully showing what you look like and what your physique is like. There is really nothing at all to be gained from disguising your weight/height, etc etc

Quinto · 04/01/2025 13:36

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 04/01/2025 13:26

Your “friend” is an arsehole. Generally speaking though 10 days is too long to chat, it builds up expectation. My rule was a few messages chatting over an evening, arrange to meet up within a week. That way you can quickly see if it’s worth perusing. As long as your pictures are current your weight won’t be a problem and if it is then it’s better to know sooner than later and move on to finding someone who’s right for you.

Online dating can be brutal and you need a thick skin and some self-confidence. Remember, it’s not only about seeing if people find you attractive, it’s about you finding someone you really like too. Too often women act like they should be grateful for a man liking them- don’t fall into that trap.

Yes, remember you’re auditioning them, too. It’s not one way! And I agree, arrangements to meet quickly, without long online chats.

Sweetpea333 · 04/01/2025 13:38

Tell your 'friend' to fuck off! Regarding the guy, just be glad you dodged a bullet and didn't waste more time on him.

OpalMaker · 04/01/2025 13:40

On the bright side, there are lots of people out there who have happy relationships with people they connected with through OLD.

I am one of them!

Two years in and into the first few days of our first IVF cycle together for our own baby. His daughters are here helping us clean out the shoe cupboard, laughing and messing about with the dogs who keep running off with the shoes.

There is hope, but do toughen up a little bit x

Bachboo · 04/01/2025 13:41

OP I think you need to concentrate on doing things that make you happy rather than focusing on getting a man. Having confidence in yourself is a huge attraction for people and this is what you really do need to focus on. You are so young and have all your life ahead of you so you need to concentrate on you this year and the rest will follow.

Notimeforaname · 04/01/2025 13:43

I was also thinking that he's in a relationship and got caught.

Swipe left for the next trending thread